JOTW 14-2002 Add1 32 March 2003

Communicators: Finding it tougher to come up with fresh ideas?
Reached a creative dead end?
Try smoking OPs!
OPs: Because there's no such thing as an original idea!

JOTW 14-2002 Add1
32 March 2003

“A goat does not think of himself as a goat.  Rather he has some kind of
name he uses for himself that's in goat language.”
— Art D'Vark

Welcome to another edition of the Job of the Week, where you always get
more bang for your buck. With the addition of Mrs. Anna Marie
Beaudreaux's career discovery class at Jefferson Davis High School in
Hurley, Mississippi, our readership is now up to a point where JOTW
offends 4,225 readers.

Please feel free to distribute JOTW to your fellow professional
communicators, your friends, your family or even total strangers. In
fact, if you don't forward this newsletter to seven people in the next
24 hours, horrible things will happen to you. So whatever you do, DON'T
BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!!!! Jenny C. of Orem, Utah decided not to forward
JOTW, and she broke her leg in a tragic backgammon accident. Steven B.
of Paramus, N.J. only sent JOTW to four friends, and his agency landed
the contract to improve the image of France in the U.S. market.

We welcome your spirited participation, dialog and job listings. I will
personally provide anecdotes on every submission I receive, describing
how your job search relates to my family's weekend trip to Presque Isle,
Maine.  They all have the same name up there.

I do not rent or sell my list, and neither does Topica. Attractive lease
rates, however, are available.

In this issue:
***  Campaign Director, Save Our Squirrels, Springfield, VA
***  Category Manager, Brand Development, Joint venture, Pillsbury Foods
and Vlassic Foods, Minneapolis, MN
***  Editor, The Dwarf Tosser, Ribald Falls, Ohio
***  MEDIA SPOKESPERSON, National Association of Guys Who Sell Cheap
Speakers Out of White Vans, Cleveland, Ohio
***  LAUGH TRACK SPECIALIST, Warner Bros., Los Angeles, Calif.
***  PT-TM. POS. AVAIL., Nat. Abbrev. Ass'n., Alex, Va.
***  Publicist, Scooby Doo's Booty Call, Hefner/Hanna Barbera Pictures,
North Hollywood, CA
***  Marketing, Joint Promotion, Viagra/Oscar Meyer, Locations vary
***  Copywriter, Department of Redundancy Department, Chicago, Ill.
***  On-Air Dominatrix News Anchor, WHIP-TV, Studebaker Heights,
***  E-MAIL EDITOR, 419 Corporation, Lagos, Nigeria
***  CHANGE AGENT, National Association of Total Quality Management/Zero
Defects/Six Sigma/360 Feedback, Washington, DC
***  Turnaround specialist, BCS, Narragansett, RI
***  OFFICE KNOW-IT-ALL, XYZ Service Corp., Morristown, NJ
***  COMMUNICATIONS STRATIGIST, Tim Arc Enterprises, Inc., Flin Flon,
***  Film Production Community Relations, Tweety Bird Pootie Tang,
Warner Brothers Entertainment, Burbank, CA
***  Manager of Oblique Communications, Scrupulix, Gaithersburg, MD
***  Community Relations Specialist, Khemer Rouge, Sompajama, Kampuchea
***  Image Consultant, confidential client, Washington, D.C
***  Director of Communications, Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher
Charitable Trust, Massapequa, Long Island, NY
***  Editor, Used Celebrity Kleenex Journal, Brentwood, CA
***  Weekend Late-Night Sci-Fi Movie Host, WJZM-TV, Muckwonogo, WI
***  Copy Editr and Quality Control Expert, California News Online,
Sacramento, CA
***  Government Affairs and Regulatory Affairs, World Wrestling
Smackdown Federation, Stamford, CT
***  Senior Consult, Government Affairs and Regulatory Affairs, New
World Wrestling Smackdown Federation, Stamford, CT
***  PR Manager, SUBWAY Milford, CT
***  RISK COMMUNICATION NUN, Public Health Preparedness Program, City of
Kansas City, Missouri
***  Marketing Director, Circus Fargo, Lucerne Cheese Ca
***  Event manager, Urea Festival, Imperial County Chamber of Commerce,
Urea Wells, CA
***  Senior Intergovernmental Public Affairs Specialist. Temporary,
full-time position. Information Ministry, Baghdad, Iraq.
***  Perfect Wife, 3 positions available, National search
***  Weekly Piracy Report
 .and, sadly, more.

***  One Paragraph Pitch:

Milton Henning of Omaha, Nebraska has today's One-Paragraph Pitch.
You're on, Milt:

You know, I'm sick and tired of the way employers are treating job
seekers these days. Voluntary layoffs, deferred raises, reduced benefits
packages, increased employee contributions … it's getting ridiculous!
I just finished writing our company's stockholder report, and we posted
our seventh straight quarter of above-expectation profits. Yet half our
staff was laid off and they have made Saturday a mandatory working day!
Sure, I got a “promotion,” but it was unfunded, so I'm working for the
same salary! It's unbelievable how much business is taking advantage of
employees in this soft market — it's really gotten out of hand!

(Milt, what does this have to do with marketing yourself for a job? This
is, after all, the One-Paragraph Pitch.)

One-Paragraph Pitch? I thought it was the One-Paragraph Bitch. Sorry.

***  Are you big enough?

I have a question about my Paragraph Pitch (PP).  I have a small PP. 
Does size matter?

Harry Fageedis, Chelsea, Mass.

***  50 Cent says job listing from the recruiter was actually someone
looking for “personal referrals,” not resumes:

I ain't gonna front.  'Cause you know it's me.  I still was dancing,
'cause I don't trip off of stuff like that.  I called, and was like,
'Yo, I wanna do a job with you so bad.”  I said, 'Yo, I got this resume
that I think you'd love.' 'Yo, sometimes I be tripping. I be having,
like, four personalities inside of me.  I'm like, 'I was out of town,
she was out of town.'  We just couldn't hook up. So she said, “You know
what, man? You got no business callin' me.  I'm looking for just people
who know me, not you Job of the Week skanks.  You keep it. You give the
job market a bad rap.”  Yo, it's realness.  Forget the nonsense that
ain't real about “keep my face screwed, how many caps I like to peel.”

I'm like, this have nothin' to do with no rappers. The gangsters don't
like that I do whatever the fu** I wanna do. I'm movin around, I'm all
over the country, I'm makin' money, I'm a motherfu**in' star. That
bothers them.  The people that dislike me have nothin' to lose. I'm from
the bottom.  They're uneasy about still bein' on the bottom. She don't
show me love.

So, I'm like getting' all indignant, you know. 

50 cent

***  Coach Larry shares this from the dugout:

I'd like to share something that may be of use to your readers. A lot of
people come to my office these days and say, “Larry, I need a job. I'm
not working and it's affecting my ability to buy food. What can I do?” 
I tell them to become a Job Coach – the work's easy, you get to charge
desperate job seekers as much as you want, and if they don't get the
job, you tell them it's their fault! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's just a
little trade humor. Just kidding!

Seriously, I tell people they need to relax. Human resources staffs are
like sharks: they can smell fear and they'll eat anything. You have to
remain calm and always try to keep the upper hand.  The employment
market has changed drastically over the past couple of years, and that's
shaken the confidence of many job seekers. So most people now think that
you can no longer treat HR staffs like the bottom-feeding slime that
they are. Wrong!

Here's some sure-fire tips that will charge some much-needed life into
your job search.

1.  When you meet a HR representative, make sure you assume a posture
where you look down your nose at them. Shake their hand weakly, but only
do it after delaying and assuming a pained expression.
2.  If asked to produce a resume, tell the rep that you only have one and
want to save it until you talk to someone important.
3.  Ask the interviewer plenty of questions. At the end of every
question, be sure to say, “. and don't lie this time!”
4.  If the subject of your supervisory or leadership skills comes up,
tell the interviewer, “I used to fire twerps like you just for laughs
every day.” Then be sure to tell him/her that the word “twerp” was
originally used to describe a fart bubble in a bathtub. They'll be
impressed by how well read you are!
5.  Regularly look at your watch, and drum your fingers on the desk when
the interviewer is talking. This will show that you are a take-charge
person whose time is valuable.
6.  When asked to present references, give the names of people like
George Bush, Bill Gates and Ted Turner (Don't mention Bill Clinton,
because they'll think you don't associate with serious individuals).
Make sure to say, “. of course, I don't think my friends are going to
want to talk to someone like you, but you can try.”
7.  Along the same line, if you have major employment gaps, don't be
afraid to make up jobs that are difficult to check up on. Tell them you
worked psy ops for the CIA, that you were the DJ that played heavy metal
music outside the embassy until Manuel Noriega gave himself up during
Operation Just Cause, or that you were public relations director for
Eastern Airlines!

Coach Larry

Subscribe to my free newsletter, called “How to Subscribe to My Free
Newsletter,” by sending a money order to
 Wanna come to the Orange County Schmoozefest?  If you live in the
Orange County area and haven't heard yet about our upcoming eSchmooze
networking meeting, let me know by e-mail and I'll get back to you with
information about it.  Best regards, LARRY LIGHT (

***  Took the kids to the new Disney flick, “Three Naked Ladies and a
Bear.”  Should have called it “Three Oiled Bodies and a Bore,” since I
can only stand so much of Robin Williams reacting to Chyna, Allysa
Milano and L'il Kim in the altogether.  Despite the material, he resorts
to eye movements and guttural yearning sounds.  The unusual.   Anyway,
long-time Disney fans will find Della Reese and Angela Lansbury (Jessica
Fletcher in the nude?) trying to make this movie predictable, but I just
can't watch…I mean, why can't WE pixilate the screen?  There are the
usual cameos, and my wife liked the Elton John score, but this movie
would have been better animated.  Ron Brewington loved it.

***  Wired the squirrel trap up to a couple of car batteries in tandem
this weekend.  I was out delivering mulch all day Saturday, and it
snowed on Sunday.  But I never had to replace the bait because I was
having great success as it was.  They were dropping off the fence and
stacking themselves up like firewood.

***  Campaign Director, Save Our Squirrels, Springfield, VA

Help create awareness, understanding and support to eradicate the
inhumane and senseless killing of squirrels in suburban America.  Your
job will be to shed light on the worst offenders and create a public
outcry against them.  Develop and implement public policy to create a
“Squirrel Offender” list so no squirrel abuser can go anywhere
undetected.  Contact 1-800-SQUIRREL for specific qualifications and
application instructions.

***  Category Manager, Brand Development, Joint venture, Pillsbury Foods
and Vlassic Foods, Minneapolis, MN

Join the team that's partnering to develop a brand new concept,
pickle-flavored biscuits.  Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough-boy, will
now have a crisp, distinctive kosher dill flavor.  Help make this new
dill dough a household favorite!  Must have three-to-five years pushing
the envelope, expanding the horizons and breaking new ground.  No phone
calls please.  Disabled female Native American Vietnam-era veterans
encouraged to apply.  E-mail resumes with cover letter to

***  Editor, The Dwarf Tosser, Ribald Falls, Ohio
Resumes to

***  MEDIA SPOKESPERSON, National Association of Guys Who Sell Cheap
Speakers Out of White Vans, Cleveland, Ohio

Ohio-based service trade association seeks dynamic spokesman and media
relations guru who is expert in spin and damage control. Crisis
communication experience a plus, preferably in tobacco or nuclear power
industries. Bail bond experience helpful. Resume, cover letter and rap
sheet to: NAGWSCSOWV, 9701 Dickens Ave., Cleveland, Ohio 44104. No
police or other law enforcement officers, please.

***  LAUGH TRACK SPECIALIST, Warner Bros., Los Angeles, Calif.

Major entertainment studio seeks individuals who can provide instant
laughter on an individual basis and in group settings for TV shows. Must
be able to laugh heartily at the most inane dialogue; “Gilligan's
Island” fans preferred. College liberal arts degree desired. Resume and
tape (no longer than 2 minutes) to: HR, Warner Bros. Studios, P.O. Box
555, Los Angeles, Calif. 90024. No faxes, please.

***  PT-TM. POS. AVAIL., Nat. Abbrev. Ass'n., Alex, Va.

Trde ass'n nr Old Twn. Alex, Va. sks pt-tm. Comm. Spec. to wrte news
rlses, med. rel., pub. rel., some mktg. Coll. deg. pref.; prev. exp.
w/ass'ns a plus. If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb w/us. Res., cvr ltr,
ref's to: Nat. Abbrev. Ass'n., 101 W. Kng St., Alex., Va. 22304. No cls

***  Publicist, Scooby Doo's Booty Call, Hefner/Hanna Barbera Pictures,
North Hollywood, CA

***  Marketing, Joint Promotion, Viagra/Oscar Meyer, Locations vary

With this job, you get a FREE sub-compact-to-full-size car.  Drive the
Weiner-mobile for Oscar Meyer and Viagra.

***  Copywriter, Department of Redundancy Department, Chicago, Ill.

We are a retail advertising agency whose accounts include several big,
large, retail chains. We are looking for a dynamic, creative, energetic
and vibrant copywriter who can come up with new ways of saying “free
gift.” So far we've come up with “complimentary free gift,” “bonus free
gift,” and “bonus complimentary free gift.” If you have an eye for the
obvious and a desire to get ahead, we're the place and location for you!
Send letter, resume, curriculum vitae and other relevant information to:
Human Resources/Personnel Department, AAAA Advertising, Publicity,
Promotion and Marketing Agency, 148 Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Ill., USA

***  On-Air Dominatrix News Anchor, WHIP-TV, Studebaker Heights,

Dominant, Michigan non-network affiliate seeks tough news anchor and
reporter to gather and disseminate news and to appear on camera live,
both in the studio and at remote locations, in Nazi outfits.  Must
disrobe during stand-ups and newscasts, and reveal spiked leather
outfits beneath.  Use of whips, chains and other pain inflicting devices
on interview subjects at your discretion, but mandatory on fellow
anchor, weather girl and smiling sportscaster.  The person for this
position must demonstrate skill in writing conversational broadcast copy
while interjecting anecdotal sexual content.  They must be able to
produce and edit videotape for broadcast. A Bachelor's Degree in
Broadcast Journalism or related field is required. On-air experience in
and out of clothes required. Apply in person or send resume tape to
Personnel Director, WHIP-TV, Chromium Building, 2800 George Armstrong
Custer Victory Park, Studebaker Heights, MI 36903. WHIP-TV treats
everyone equally bad.

***  “When the sun finally comes up after a particularly long, dark and
stormy night, you can clearly see just how big a mess you're in.”
– F. Fossik

***  E-MAIL EDITOR, 419 Corporation, Lagos, Nigeria

Busy e-mail fundraising operation in Lagos, Nigeria needs reliable
Editor to ensure quality control for more than 400,000 e-mail
solicitations sent daily. Excellent command of English a must; strong
editing skills required (especially typos). Must have pleasant,
persuasive manner; knowledge of dead and/or exiled African political
leaders a plus. Salary plus commissions. Send resume, cover letter and
bank account number to Dr. Laurent Kabila and Mother, 419 Corporation,
15 Joseph Sambiva Boulevard, Lagos Nigeria. No phone calls, please.

***  CHANGE AGENT, National Association of Total Quality Management/Zero
Defects/Six Sigma/360 Feedback, Washington, DC

NATQMZDSS360F, the nation's leading “business fad” trade association,
seeks aggressive “change agent” to craft mechanisms and
provide vertical integration, value-added components and business
process re-engineering to clients while enabling them to focus on core
business. Outsourcing experience desired. Intimate knowledge of Theory
Z, MBO and Japanese Management Structure required. Must be in tune with
the Zeitgeist. Resume, cover letter and five-point plan detailing your
vision to: NATQMZD22360F, 411 Dupont Circle, Washington, DC 20036. Power
Point presentations welcome.

***  Turnaround specialist, BCS, Narragansett, RI

Trade association needs a specialist to come in and give our
organization a new name, look, and feel.  Don't want to mince words, but
for some reason we have been less than fully successful in attaining our
business objectives and we don't know why.  Maybe you know what's fishy?
 Contact us in confidentiality.  Job Search, Bad Clam Society, 666
Rotten Neck Road, Narragansett, Rhode Island.

***  OFFICE KNOW-IT-ALL, XYZ Service Corp., Morristown, NJ

Cubicle farm located in Central New Jersey has opening for dull, boorish
lout. Must have detailed knowledge of major sports, politics, religion
and the ability to voice opinions on any subject with an almost
intimidating assuredness. Must be able to stand and speak for 15 minutes
or more at cubicle entrance while ignoring subtle social cues and other
hints. Must not be deterred by phone calls, meetings or other
interruptions. Sexists welcome. Ability to memorize entire “Trivial
Pursuit” game questions a plus. Work occasionally required, preferably
in marketing or public relations. Resume, cover letter and manifesto to:
XYZ Service Corp., 1 Newark Plaza, Morristown, NJ 08833.

***  COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGIST, Tim Arc Enterprises, Inc., Flin Flon,
(Job #OA414/ffossik)

Tim Arc Enterprises is involved in the multi-generational products arena
with several full applications of cutting edge, solutions-based
coefficients currently on retail shelves nationally; 23 additional
formats are at pre-announce stage and many explicit derivatives at
various R&D stages ready for staggered release schedules which will
entirely maximize and help drive the positive revenue streams TAE has
enjoyed since it's founding in the mid 70's.

As Communications Strategist you will be responsible for
* Developing our core internal, external and mid-tier mission statements
which will require extensive co-relational collaborative consensus
* Development of our key strategic marketing communications plan with an
especial focus on bottom-based product lines and new venture
* Enactment of industry best practices time line incorporating highly
integrated environments
* Speech writing for CEO/Founder Tim Arc
* Leadership of multi-faceted employee group centered around performance
standards while accelerating top-line revenue growth
* Construction of efficient and effective marketing communications
structures and processes
* Establishment of rigid and highly flexible tactical exuberant plan
that is compelling, robust and capable of crossing numerous business

* Visionary
* Innovative problem-solver
* Strategic thinker
* Background that includes extensive experience in multi-national,
public companies that utilize free trade agreement policies
* Experience in consumer packaging, pharmaceutical, telecommunications,
real estate and dot-com industries. Work as a used car salesman
especially helpful
* Capable of maximizing decreasing budget levels
* Doctorate in relevant environments a must but not necessary
* Willing to set example by working long hours, weekends and holidays
* Tanned, youthful, nice pecs if male. Svelte, petite, curvaceous if
female and not blonde.

Blind resumes with direct referrals will only be considered. If too many
applications are received then TAE reserves the right to refuse any more
applications and will complain with boisterous vigor about the over-
effectiveness of JOTW.


Tim Arc Enterprises is an equal opportunity employer; people of color
and women are encouraged to apply. EOE. Seasoned, 50+ year old, white
male professionals will receive particular scrutiny.

***  Film Production Community Relations, Tweety Bird Pootie Tang,
Warner Brothers Entertainment, Burbank, CA

***  Leaders are like eagles.  We don't have any of them around here,
– Tanjung Priok

***  Manager of Oblique Communications, Scrupulix, Gaithersburg, MD

Scrupulix,  ( is the leading provider of oblique
management concepts in the U.S. and Canada.  Scrupulix offers innovative
oblique and incongruent solutions in service, operations and management,
to corporations, associations and institutions.  Scrupulix is a proud
endorser of the Seven Dwarf Principles for Team Involvement and Moral

The Manager of Oblique Communications will be part of a forced-march
conceptual communications team responsible for proactively serving the
“light-to-dark toaster settings” full range of corporate support and
non-denominational community service functionality, including Strategic
Planning, IS&T, Finance, Purchasing, Physical and ensuring food in the
communal kitchen area is rotated in the refrigerator weekly, as wells,
Sales and Marketing Councils, Legal, Facilities, personal hygiene, pet
sanitation and overall Corporate Responsibility.  The manager will also
support company initiatives, as necessary, and if we have any. 

Responsibilities include:

·   Provides oblique and indirect strategic consultative communications
support and counsel to multiple internal clients (e.g., Purchasing,
Sales, Brands, etc.) as part of the Internal Communications team,
providing robust visibility and granularity.

·   Develops integral in-depth, profound communications strategies and
on-target message content, to include at least two messages each day,
not less than 60 words,  for internal audiences in a variety of written
formats including intranet, talking points and presentations for
face-to-face communications, memos, email, brochures, etc., as well as
in other media, as needed, in all the languages of the world, including
all 1,000 dialects applicable to the Philippines.

·   Works with leaders to implement change from
the-way-things-really-are-now to
through strategic communications, from small programmatic change in
operations to large-scale, company-wide organizational change, to global
change where everyone gets a new name, fireworks are legal and comic
books are free.

·   Assesses effectiveness of the company's communications strategy and
individual and group communications needs through a variety of
measurement approaches and recommends creative solutions, to include
awarding bonuses based on outbox volume and inbox turnaround-time.

·   Provides clear insight into vague and amorphous issues and subjects,
and support as needed on projects managed by other members of the
internal team, to include reversing the birth and infant mortality rate
in developing nations, raising literacy and educational achievement by
50 percent in North America, and distributing free gum to pre-school
aged children without parental consent.

Required Education: BA/BS degree in communications, journalism or
related field, as well as certificates in child psychology and
optometry.  Comparable military experience in PsyOps may be substituted
for a degree.


·   Five to seven years of strategic communications experience in
gonzo-journalism, marketing, public relations, cosmology, fired employee
reunions and pink slip parties, free-speech writing, fake
letter-to-the-editor writing, human spatial perception (preferably in a
an office or cubicle setting).

·   Demonstrated ability to make a it look like you can support one or
more dysfunctional areas, such as past-performance planning, LSMFT,
creative off-books finance, pretreated stain removal, Sales and
Marketing, Legal, Facilities, Laundries, corporate intranets, Corporate
Responsibility, etc.

·   Ability to grow Sea Monkeys.

·   Strong leadership, consulting, interpersonal and team skills.

·   Highly motivated team player with a proactive communications mindset.

·   Ability to manage multiple tasks and prioritize effectively in a team
environment, and demonstrate ability to read fine print.

·   Ability to interact with senior executives, colleagues throughout the
organization, and employees at all levels, to make them all feel
important and like they're all doing something that really matters.

·   Excellent writing, editing, design and presentation skills. 
Experience with web content and design strongly desired.  Ability to
program speed-dial on phone.

·   Experience designing, planning, micro-managing, disapproving and
canceling communication projects.

·   Must be able to program electronic video recording equipment to flash
“12:00” repeatedly.

·   Must be able to wash hands for fore handling food.  Be able to
microwave containers of spaghettios for 1:15.

·   Must be able to extend arms over keyboard and tap keys to form letters
on screen on computer at your desk.  Be able to surf news groups, game
downloads, free music sites and look for a better job, and alt-tab back
to something work related if somebody approaches.

·   Take VIP photographs without actually having any film in camera, and
be able to tell them when they ask that the photos will be available any
day now.

Willingness to travel when required (<20%).  Willingness to travel when
neither required or desired (80%).

Salary – $18,700 – 21,400

Send resumes, UPC proof of purchase and rabies certification to

***  Brand Manager/Marketing Communications, Snockered's Foods,
Tobyhanna, PA

Lead the sales drive for Snockered's new All-Premium Old Fashioned Toe
Jam.  Incredible budget and resources available to you to reach sales
goals.  Expreienced MarCom professionals only.

***  “I'd eat a hen turd on a cracker if somebody else would fix it for
–Lillian Kirby

***  Community Relations Specialist, Khemer Rouge, Sompajama, Kampuchea

***  Image Consultant, confidential client, Washington, D.C.

Noted head of a major Western democracy needs help restoring public
perception after several recent setbacks. Current image team terminated
after client lost international popularity campaign to Middle Eastern
dictator-for-life. Ideal candidates will be able to provide cheering,
grateful Arab civilians who can appear on camera at a moment's notice.
As always, hiring preference given to senior oil company employees. Send
resume and soft money to: GWB, 1600 Penn. Ave., Washington, DC.

***  Director of Communications, Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher
Charitable Trust, Massapequa, Long Island, N.Y.
Active organization dedicated to increasing the understanding of
15-year-old girls with guns who become obsessed with pompadour-coiffed
buffoons for no apparent reason seeks Director of Communications.
Qualified applicants will have the patience of Job, the spin of Ari
Fleischer and the chutzpah of Lizzie Grubman. Friendship with Larry King
a plus. Resume to JBAFCT, 44 Magnum Drive, Massapequa, NY 10258
***  Editor, Used Celebrity Kleenex Journal, Brentwood, CA

***  Copy Editr and Quality Control Expert, California News Online,
Savcramento, CA

Absolute necessity to have total accuracy.  No spelling errors will be
toleretaed.  You're pay check depenmds on finding every misyatke and
fixing it before it evervgetis into proint and could emvbarrance the
califoirnial News on:Line.

***  Weekend Late-Night Sci-Fi Movie Host, WJZM-TV, Muckwonogo, WI

Engaging personality with an obsessive knowledge of meaningless trivia
and an alarming attraction to cheap fireworks sought by UHF station in
suburban Milwaukee to host weekend show that airs horrible 1950s era
science-fiction movies in a “new” way. Must be witty, sarcastic and
willing to wear lab coats, wigs and facial hair in a way that appeals to
kids 10-15 years of age who stay up late at night without their parents'
permission. Knowledge of ethnic jokes a plus. Starting salary $19,000
per year; no benefits. Send resume and that of your attorney to:
WJZM-TV, The Building By the Shopping Center, Muckwonogo, WI 53233

Wrestling Smackdown Federation, Stamford, Conn.

Multi-national sports entertainment corporation dedicated to the
advocacy and understanding of the Sweet Science of the Squared Circle
seeks seasoned, volatile Capitol Hill pro to navigate the complex and
suplex issues of professional wrestling.

Must have persuasive manner; failing that, must be able to put Sen. Ted
Kennedy, D-Mass., and other members of Congress in a headlock and a
variety of other techniques, including but not limited to: the
PileDriver; the Chainsaw; the Lobster Claw; the Moonsault; the Flying
Wedgie and the Hammer of Death. Ability to speak at 50 decibels or
louder for sustained periods a plus.

Extensive travel required; benefits include generous Accidental Death
and Dismemberment coverage.

If you smell what The Rock is cooking and can convey that recipe to key
lawmakers, then this could be the job for you! Send resume and a
three-minute video describing what you would do to the entire House Ways
and Means Committee in a Steel Cage Match to: WWSF, One McMahon Circle,
Stamford, CT 00056.

***  Senior Consult, Government Affairs and Regulatory Affairs, New
World Wrestling Smackdown Federation, Stamford, CT

Taking responsibility for the Major Event Celebrity Development Area
franchise, you will actively embrace the proactive, cornerstone approach
of the NWWSF's Regulatory philosophy and promulgate it through example
and high standards of regulatory practice and education. Specifically,
you will directly supervise the regulatory affairs staff responsible for
developing a global regulatory strategy that is aligned with NWWSF's
business goals, assigning the regulatory professionals and resources
needed to achieve those goals, and ensuring that regulatory development
plans are created and executed in concert with the integrated
development plans for projects. Your other responsibilities will include
leading the Regulatory Team for the Wrestlemania project; staying
abreast of guidance documents, regulations, and recent decisions and
accurately and effectively presenting such information; and to conveying
the appropriate knowledge and expertise needed for successful department
activities.  Assist in promoting the Big Show & A-Train vs.. Rhyno &
Chris Benoit match.


BCC Manager to design and manage all facets of BCC operations on a
national level to motivate positive changes in Parenthood among
populations throughout the world. It is anticipated that more than 20
products and services will be unrolled and launched through a national
social franchising network over the next 4 years. The Manager will work
with other senior managers to support and lead those launches, and
oversee multi-million dollar annual budget.

Master's degree or equivalent experience in communications, marketing,
or related field; experience producing generic and branded
communications campaigns; BCC development and service delivery

***  PR Manager, SUBWAY Milford, CT

Immediate need for a highly motivated and creative PR (Puerto Rican)
Manager to help plan and implement PR strategies. Candidate must be able
to communicate effectively, slice the boloney, lay on a little ham and
have a canopener and-do attitude. Must have 3-5 years PR and supervisory
experience. BS is helpful
Jared, the former Fat guy
Any Subway Store
Your town. Your State

Attn: Jared

***  RISK COMMUNICATION NUN, Public Health Preparedness Program, City of
Kansas City, Missouri

City of Kansas City, Missouri is in search of a nun active, retired or
former to communicate risk levels of behavior to citizens, Position will
require nun to form classes to instruct parents on the proper use of the
“I'll tell Sr. Philomenia,…” and other risk inhibiting phrases,
Immediate response necessary, all applications must be on official City
of Kansas City, Missouri application forms, EEOC/AA  Wimples required,
rulers optional

***  Tired of working for clowns????

Marketing Director, Circus Fargo, Lucerne Cheese, Ca

Circus Fargo seeks Marketing Directors to handle all aspects of
marketing traveling big top circus. Duties include bribing with city
offices, media buying, cross promotions, media placement etc. Requires
hands on attitude (erecting tents), multi-tasking (working a booth) and
ability to work under pressure (We tend to yell a lot). Must be free to
travel in California eight months out of the year. (Better be a dyed in
the wool liberal or psychopath) Recent college grad preferred (Mom and
Dad don't really want you to come back home and the title sounds
impressive.), but will train right candidate. This is not a job, it is a

Salary: from USD 800.00 per week
Position Type: Full Time, Employee 

Contact: http://www.ptbarnum.carney/suckerbornthisminute

***  Event manager, Urea Festival, Imperial County Chamber of Commerce,
Urea Wells, CA

Help make this “Festival of Fertilizer” the best ever.  Imperial Valley
residents and guests celebrate the scent of success, glorifying the
chemical cocktail that greens up our plants and de-ices the wings of our
airplanes.  This is a great below-entry-level position, as the “Piss
Fest” (as it is known locally) is actually held below sea level.

Call 1-800 UREA GOT ME for an appointment to interview.

***  Senior Intergovernmental Public Affairs Specialist. Temporary, full
time position. Forward resume to: Information Ministry, 1332 Peter
Arnett Blvd., Baghdad, Iraq.

***  Perfect Wife, 3 positions available, National search

Position 1.  A woman that cooks and cleans
Position 2.  A woman that makes good money
Position 3.  A woman that likes to have sex

Number 1 job requirement:

These three women must never meet
Apply online at:

***  “We have nothing to fear but very scary stuff” –Mel Brooks

***  Weekly Piracy Report

Some pirates came aboard a tanker in  the Sunda Straits.  They found
nothing of value.  Exchanged pleasntries with crew.  Left peacefully.

***  Ned's new Ragan seminar 'Communicating in Changing Business
Paradigms' Discounts for JOTW premium subscribers: if you show your
subscriber ID card you will receive a 'pair of dimes'.

Our editors have suggested that we talk about creative strategies for
corporate growth which are frequently referred to as restructuring,
disposition, acquisitions, or whatever. For purposes of clarity. a
simple glossary of the terms as the CEO of a holding company understands

1. Conglomerate-a group of unrelated businesses, all owned by a company
whose name describes none of their activities.

2. Holding company-a conglomerate where in the home office management
has proven they don't know anything about operations.

3. Diversification- entering businesses current management knows nothing
about, or “Our management can run it better than yours.

4. Disposition-maybe we can't.

5. Restructuring-trying to figure out what to do if your disposition or
acquisition is successful.

6. Discontinued businesses-dispositions that you haven't made as yet.

7. Continuing businesses-future candidates for some of the above.

8. Unfriendly tender offer- any offer to buy control of your company.

9. Friendly tender offer-iS up to 20 percent more than an unfriendly
offer but including plans for retaining current management

10.     And finally, in this day of takeovers, etc., Golden Parachutes,
which, as I look at it, are amounts to be paid to present management of
an acquired company in lieu of unemployment compensation should the new
owners decide to upgrade management.

***  Get a JOTW discount for the new IABC/Ragan series “The Naked Truth
– Communication in the showers.”  The first in our series will be a live
VTC from the shower of Charles Pizzo speaking on “Shock and Awe:
coomunicating to labor.”  The next in the series will be “Marketing
Internet Publications and Conferences for Communicators – Watch this VTC
or we'll shave our heads,” featuring Ralph Gaillard and Steve Crescendo.
 Register now at

***  The 8 Sadaam body doubles were gathered in one of the bunkers in
downtown Baghdad.  Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister walked in and
said, “the good news is that Sadaam is still alive, so you all still
have jobs.”

One of the doubles spoke up and said, “what's the bad news”?

To which Tariq replied, “he's lost an arm”.

***  Fired?  Wired?  Retired?  You need to set realistic goals, and know
when to quit.  The CornerBar is for you.  Set your sights on something
attainable, like getting a seat in a bar next to Rich Barger, ABC, APR,
ASPCA.  There's always an empty seat next to Rich.  Then, after you've
had enough of his crap, know when to get up a walk out.  Where everybody knows your name.

***  Next IABC/Washington meeting:  April 13, Dutch oven cooking with
Ned Lundquist, ABC.  We'll make a peach cobbler, and you can get part of
your cooking merit badge requirement signed off.

***  Coffee Mug of the Day:  Property of Fairfax County Correctional

***  T-Shirt of the Day:  (Picture of my son as a baby) “Daddy drinks
because I cry.

***  Coffee mug of the day:  Mean People Succeed

***  You've been reading another installment of the Job of the Week
networking newsletter for professional communicators.  If you missed
this issue, you can go see the Jobs of the Week networking newsletter
for professional communicators, which steals its copy from this
newsletter.  If you are changing your e-mail address, DON'T ASK ME TO DO
IT FOR YOU!!!  The instructions appear in just about every issue, so
follow them.  If you have a job to share, check it out first.  If a
recruiter sends you a listing and mentions the name of the company, call
the company HR office first and find out if the recruiter is supposed to
keep that a little secret.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators.  You are
welcome to look at the previous issues.  To read this list on the web,
please visit: or

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
+1 703 455-7661

The JOTW Network – A world in communication.
For your hospitality, thank you!
© Copyright 2003

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