JOTW 14-2004 Add2 32 March 2004

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JOTW 14-2004 Add2
32 March 2004

“You knowww…A good goat'll do that for you.”
-member of the jury

Welcome to another edition of the Job of the Week, where you get more
muck in your mailbox than you can squeeze in your skivvies.  This is the
network where Ned gets all the benefits and you do all the work.  The
Job of the Week is free.  Remember, I can't change your e-mail address. 
You have to do it yourself.  Is that too difficult a concept for you? 
Apparently so.

The award-winning JOTW (it's true-we've won more than 1,000 APEX Awards
(motto: “If You Have $59, We Have An Award For You”) since 2002) is a
service for YOU, the victim-er, members of this cooperative network of
professional communicators and others who love to hear themselves talk.
We have nearly 8,000 subscribers, of which about 30 have very strong
opinions. More than 3 people have found jobs as a direct result of JOTW.

This pedestrian JOTW is a service of YOU, the members of this
cooperative network of pseudo communicators who share every mundane
sneeze, cough and sniffle that ails them in lieu of information and
career opportunities and advice.  Enough already.

The value proposition is this: It makes you feel important, at least
someone is listening to you.  But if you must lurk, we ask that you
please not point and stare.  Did I mention it was free?  Your friends
have sent us a blank e-mail to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.  They too want
you to get a life.

Guess how many people are members of this network?  Nope.  The correct
answer is 6,668.

I never give out, rent, or sell my list.   Really, I tried but no
takers.

In this issue:

***  One Paragraph Pitch
***  Kommunicators in Search of a Special Someone
***  Public Information Management Pro (P.I.M.P.), The Hip-Hop Urban
Group (THUG), Los Angeles, CA
***  Public Affairs Officers, MPRI, Washington, D.C.
***  Marketing Communications, Martha Stewart Living Free, Federal
Business Park, Danbury, Conn.
***  Director of Development, Martha Stewart Living Free Foundation,
Camp D'Anbury, CT
***  Offshore Communications Consultant, Colombo, Sri Lanka
***  Women, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Zyder Zee Spunken, Netherlands
***  Publicist, the Bass Guitar Section from the Tower of Power,
Burbank, Calif.
***  Travel Writers, Extreme Adventures in Libya, Tripoli, Libya
***  Senior Public Affairs Associate, Center for Blame Management,
Washington, DC
***  Media Relations, Marge Schott Foundation for the Advancement of
Couth, Cincinnati, Ohio
***  Communications Weenie, Office of Grammatical Supervision,
Washington, DC
***  Managing Director of Corporate Communications, Association of
Celebrity Shoplifters, Burbank, California
***  Director of Membership Marketing, National Alliance of Spray
Painting, Tagging and Graffiti, Alexandria, VA
***  Community Relations Manager, California Highway Artist Law Center,
Sacramento, CA
***  Brand Manager, Chef Boyardi Testostironi-os, Con-Vi-Agra Foods,
***  Director of Development, Museum of those Ronald MacDonald
Playground thingees,, Rancho Drive-Thru, Calif.
***  Public Affairs Manager, Clinton Corporation, New York, NY
***  COMMUNICATION ASSISTANT, National Association of Guys who Don't Ask
for Directions, somewhere near Omaha, Nebraska
***  ***  Director of Obfuscation, Off-Shore Longshoreman's Union,
Washington DC and Mumbai, India.
***  MEDIA RELATIONS OFFICER, National Association of Former Reality
Show Contestants, Los Angeles, California.
***  MARKETING VICE PRESIDENT, Six-Second Sigma Corp., Palo Alto, Calif.
***  Government Affairs, The Foundation to Support the American People
Against the Evil Empire, Boston, Mass.
 ***  Communications Specialist, Federal Bank for Walking Around Money,
Washington, DC
***  Clone, American Society of Sycophants, Arlington, VA
***  COMMUNITY DIRECTOR NAMED ROBERT HOLLAND, Calcamer Corp., Short
Pump, Va.
***  Kommunikashunz Pirsun, Huked on Fonix, Mahfreesburah, Tinnasee
***   PUBLIC RELATIONS SPECIALIST, Running With Scissors Responsibly
Foundation, Washington, DC
***  Weekly Piracy Report
 .and, sadly, more.  But it still costs less than you would pay for a
pickle fished from the briny barrel at the Fern.

***  One Paragraph Pitch:

Former publicity stunt mastermind wishes to enhance my opportunities
following successful wardrobe malfunction. I was the titular head of a
creative team for a well-known pop/dance diva until artistic differences
revealed a sunburst of flaws in her endowments. Now I wish to stay
abreast of the latest booms and busts in the entertainment world,
perhaps even work it for the FCC. Extremely flexible. Enjoys the daily
bump and grind.  Please don't use my name.

***  Can't wait for his turn to post his pitch:

I am a former speechwriter for Howard Dean now looking for a job.
Willing to relocate-I'll go to NORTH DAKOTA! I'll go to OHIO! I'll go to
SOUTH CAROLINA! I'll go to TEXAS! TO CALIFORNIA! TO COLORADO! TO
FLORIDA! TO PENNSYLVANIA! TO RHODE ISLAND AND ALL THE WAY TO THE WHITE
HOUSE! EYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
Please hire me. I can be reached at 703/555-3326. Leave a long, rambling
message.
 
***  KISSS

Highly volatile, frequently flammable, mama's boy seeks soulmate in the
form of financially stable, emotionally secure, complete, wholesome
female.  Needs someone who will support all his recreational interests
to include naked bungee jumping, strip club visiting, gambling, and last
but not least, favorite pastime of couch potato.  Did I mention that I
prefer nymphomaniacs whose daddies own liquor stores?  If I sound like
your dream man, then you might be just my type.  Let's get together and
for sure, let's get it on.  Call me, 1-800-AM-4TEEN.

***  From Del Devereaux, ABC, APR, MBA, Ph.D., DDS:
 
Ned,
 
I take strong exception to Ward Eklund's comment that public relations
is nothing more than “free advertising.” OOOOOOOOOOH, that makes me mad!
I am SO ANGRY right now that I am literally sputtering! OW!-I just broke
off the “w” key on my keyboard! AHHHHHHH! MY CAT IS ON FIRE! HELP ME!
HELP ME! (THUD)
 
***  IABC has announced a novel way to grow membership.  The new
agricultural communication special interest group will extend membership
to livestock.  The first group to be assimilated into IABC will be all
14 million sheep in New Zealand, which will become members in IABC/New
Zealand.

***  Box stuffed:

Dear Ned,

I tried to get to my e-mail but I keep getting an error message saying
my Inbox is full.  Is there any way you could, via your connections on
JOTW, contact people who send me messages and let them know that I won't
be replying to my mail for a while.  Thanks so much.  By the way, love
your newsletter.  This is truly a great service.

Sincerely,

Had My Phil

***  Used to be very punctual:

Dear Ned,

hmm…how do I say this delicately?  I have a problem.  I seem to have
lost a period.  I haven't seen it in 3 months.  What should I do?  Can
you help?

Thanks so much in advance for all your help with this matter so far.

Sincerely,

Puzzled in Perth

***  PR Assistant, major trade association, Washington, DC

Help me climb to the top of this major, full-funded global trade
association.  I need personal assistant who will go the extra mile to
make me be the success I aspire to.  Make sure I show up for meetings on
time with enough material in my hands to look prepared and interested,
but armed with enough alibis and excuses I'm not on the hook for
anything or able to accept any taskers.  Make it always look as though
we have way too much to do, and have no time for anyone else's silly
projects.  Keep spurious paperwork moving at a phrenetic pace with
actually doing anything constructive.  Look sharp all the time.  Get my
coffee.  Get my lunch.  Tell me if I have a booger hanging off my nose. 
Assist in backstabbing other senior execs so the heat's on them and off
me.  Kill, remove or otherwise pass off any monkeys that somehow mange
to land on my back.

***  Communications Channel Manager, ZipperTrak, Sunnyvale, CA

Join this pre-IPO organization that is sure to grab the imagination of
America and poke holes in conventional wisdom.  Join ZipperTrak, the new
dot.com that provides your zipper with a small chip which notifies your
pda, cell phone or computer if your pants are unzipped.  Customers who
upgrade with ZipperTrak Delux Ver. 3.0 can receive notification if
another ZipperTrak subscriber is approaching with their zipper down. 
Hook up with us on this fast track opportunity.  Send sample detailed
marketing plan, ad media plan and media outreach products for this
product by registered mail for our “evaluation.”  Materials cannot be
returned.  Contact CCM@ZipperTrak.com. Or run your Zipper up and down
ten times on channel 3.

***  Public Information Management Pro (P.I.M.P.), The Hip-Hop Urban
Group (THUG), Los Angeles, CA

Yo aiyyo, aiyyo, message up.  Critics be dissin, givin' da bash
But we know it's all about the cash, keep it in a stash
Yo information, loudest to hollah.  Dishin' the scoop, 'bout the dollah
Need a man of unquestioned loyalty.  Snitch on the clique, you die
Our organization be internationally known and locally respected
Your job to front, don' let it be neglected
Now I know you done heard about our boyz in da hood
Sum peeps complain, sez weez no good
Yo, job is plain, don't be misunderstood
Get us attention, whateva the stunt
That's why you get this job, if we gotta be blunt

Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR

We crazin, so your job be praisin
Some dis, be phasin, turn it around, make it praisin
East Coast, West Coast, geography lesson?
Tell folks to keep there noses out, don't be messin'
We hungry, so get us a buffet, we be grazin
We all so amazin, so you get out there praisin
Trippin', spacin', no matter, your job is out front, be praisin

Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR
 
Talk up the bizness in Queens, in LA and Uptown
Gots business in Manhattan, Puerto Rico and Mo Town
In Boston, Atlanta and San Fran, too
You job is to tell 'em, we the best at what we do
Got Chanel and Fendi, Armani and FUBU
So what's yo problem? It's how we fly, nuf bout you
Drivin Cadillacs and Lincolns, aint got no Subaru.

Shakin our ting, shakin our ting, you be shaking our booty on your
ding-a -ling
Shakin for Sean Paul, Shaking 50 cent, Shakin' for Sir-Ma-a-Lot and you
can pay fo yo rent

Yo gotta be a supersonic personality gusher
Rappin up Beyonce, R Kelly and Usher
Snoop, Eminem, Dr. Dre and Big Boi
Talk all about hip hop culture, but us an Dr. Dre
Remember, If you don't have somethin nice to say.say it anyway.

Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR

Andre 3000, Jay-Z, Sasha, G-Unit, Sleepy Brown and Joe
All is top legitimate, aint none no skanky ho
Pumpin up Ludicris and pimping for P Diddy
You tell em in the country, and you sell em in the City
Do Jay-Z gotta deal with Warner?

Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR

Is Nelly doggin in the corner?Talk about L'il Kim, are them lips getting
plumper?
Talk about dem rapperz come and wanna jump her
Who know, mebbe she get popped in the beak,
or the cosmetic surgeon give her a squirt and a tweak
But defend that girl, she aint what you say she's for
That's your Ivy League college non-sequitor

Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR

So send us off yo resume and show us whatchu got
And don't call us, we'll call you back if we think your stuff is hot
Dis job gots benefits, you getcha own car
But you gotta work the details out with the man down in HR

Contact:  Grandmaster Resume Reviewer, Hizzile Rizzle; P.I.M.P., THUG,
c/o Adrenyl Gland Records, Los Angeles Corporate Center, 4000 East Los
Angeles, CA

***  Public Affairs Officers, MPRI, Washington, D.C.

Wanted:  All former military public affairs officers.  Bring MOPP gear
and side arms.  We're going in.

Contact Rick at MPRI.  You know my number.

***  Marketing Communications, Martha Stewart Living Free, Federal
Business Park, Danbury, Conn.

Martha Stewart Living Free looking for marketing communications guru to
assist “Living Free” talented artists and design experts to market new
line of furnishings. Showcase modular cell design, demonstrate use of
bars in form and function and work with a guarded approach to color
before a captive audience.  Communicate value proposition of Martha
Stewart's new make-it-yourself line of cosmetics for convicts. 

***  Director of Development, Martha Stewart Living Free Foundation,
Camp D'Anbury, CT

Here's an opportunity to take stock of your future and put your
convictions to work.  Experienced fundraiser wanted to head new Martha
Stewart Living Free Foundation. Ideal candidate will raise the bar for
new methods of creative financing. Must have 5 years of corrections
experience, excluding market corrections. Also must have good exit
strategy. For details on Martha Stewart Living Free Marketing and
Fundraising positions, see marthacooksbooks.com.
 
***  Offshore Communications Consultant, Colombo, Sri Lanka

Be a part of the new global workforce! The Consortium for Affordable
Labor has immediate openings for senior communicators who will travel to
exotic locations to provide intense offshore communications training and
manage new startup marketing communication enterprise. This is your
chance to personally contribute to reducing global unemployment.  Send
resume to www.dollars4ruppees.com.

***  Women, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Zyder Zee Spunken, Netherlands

Now that I have this commune of love established in my new home country
of the Netherlands, having been deported from everywhere else, including
my Ranch of love with my Rajneeshpuram prom party at what was once knows
as the Big Muddy Ranch (I invented transformation.did you know that?) in
Antelope, OR, where I kept my 93 Rolls Royces (hey, rich Corinthian
leather my ass, do you have any Grey Poupon?) and my adoring fleet of
females.  I also had more ladies watches than Elton John has eyeglasses.
 Deportation isn't so bad, and how many Rolls or Rolexes can one Bhagwan
truly enjoy at one time (this is something I would contemplate for many
hours, since I can neither drive nor tell time), I find I am only
missing one thing that keeps me from attaining true enlightenment and
actuality with the true existential spiritual oneness as a divine person
and God: chicks by the stadium full.  Let's get some fahrvergnugen
going!  So, if your are hot, and a vegetarian, kind of funky, send me
your money, and your photographs, ah, what the hell, just show up and
adore me!  If you have or can get a Rolls Royce, bring that too.
Come to the compound of mystical delights, Osho-land, Zyder Zee Spunken,
Netherlands.  Bring just the clothes on your back, but take them off in
my presence.

***  Publicist, the Bass Guitar Section from the Tower of Power,
Burbank, Calif.

Help pump up the comeback tour of the decade.  Call Manny at A&M Records
(310) 455-8195.  Have your girl tell my girl we'll do lunch.

***  Travel Writers, Extreme Adventures in Libya, Tripoli, Libya

Travel writers wanted for new tourism industry. “Extreme Adventures in
Libya” is a cutting edge organization using a venture capital approach
to draw those in search of unique thrill-seeking time away from the
office. Camel handling experience necessary. Reply to maddogqaddafi.com.

***  Special Events Coordinator, Museum of Chad, Palm Beach, Florida

The opportunity of a lifetime.  Help MOC bring in a nation that needs to
know about this curious confetti that led to a contested election and
kept the incumbent party from keeping control of the country.  Promote
and execute the annual Recount Fest.  Must be an adherant of two-party
system (one party a week at MOC is not enough).  Punch in 1-800-Ballot1,
or visit www.museumofchad.edu.

***  Senior Public Affairs Associate, Center for Blame Management,
Washington, DC

Work delicate public policy issues designed to remove all blame and
stain from major stakeholders, members and CBM donors.  Clever
communicator requires to twist meanings, assign new and “more plausible”
theories and instill doubt in the place of certain guilt.  Large expense
account for dealing with reporters.
Contact:  HR@CBM.org

***  Media Relations, Marge Schott Foundation for the Advancement of
Couth, Cincinnati, Ohio

Requires insensitivity-trained communicator.  Lead community relations
effort to inflame African Americans, Jews, and gays.  Perpetuate Marge's
legacy:  “Everything you read, when she came in she was good.''  Contact HR@MSFAC.org

***  From Jayson Blair:

Hey Ned!  Irregardless, of what some people has been telling you, I was
like hey I have to sent this job opp off to the guys in the Job of the
Weekend net.   Like I was been saying, is, that, this is one good deal.
If I was you guys, like, jump on this.   J.B.

Director of Public Affairs, and also of Government Relations, Office of
Grammatical Supervision, Washington, DC

The following job listing was recently ran in the Federal lists of jobs
you can do yesterday.
You, if a good communicator, leader, manager and speaker, are wanted to
do a study, give a presentations, take into consideration the fact that
this is a vital important topic, giving the best people's impression of
us, and not like being sloppy or disrespectful.
GS-15.  Salary $98-102K.  Closes 32 March 2004.

You will be required to communicate the efnorfcment of grammatical
regulatory rules:

When you put two and three or more  qualitative adjectives in front of a
noun, or in back of a verb, and above an adverb or between the adjective
clause, you put `and' or a comma between the adjectives and the
modiefiers being modified by the gender and quantity.

In this job position, you want to be needing to has a greet deal of
experience in discourse between the belief systems of the natural
philosophical world around us all and the marketplace of opnion of the
public.  For some experience, You will have been going to have had for
at least approximately 18 months a most predominant time period of your
career life.  Position requires The information on communication before
this section is important to understanding whom the administration,
agency organization was, but arguably, being able to convey greatest
advancements were in the field of grammar, most importantly Egnlish.. 
Requires completion of 18 page instruction on how to submit your resume
in the proper format for rejection by the U.S. Government.

Will your great work, theories, and studies will continue to live on
forever in the ever-changing world of governemnet grammatical
supervision and business communications?
www.usgovernemntjobs.howaboutthisone.gov

***  Managing Director of Corporate Communications, Association of
Celebrity Shoplifters, Burbank, California

Direct publicity and outreach efforts for major trade and professional
association.
- Responsible for certification and accreditation program for celebrity
shoplifters.
-   Conduct annual “boosting” and high-value item spotting training
seminars.
-   Demonstrate methods to remove “probable cause.”
-   Deliver seminars discussing: “If caught how to make sure somebody else
gets the blame but you get a windfall of publicity.”
Contact: Rocco Spinatelli (800) MY SHIRT.

***  Director of Membership Marketing, National Alliance of Spray
Painting, Tagging and Graffiti, Alexandria, VA

Danny Kaye once said that “Life is a great big canvas.  Throw all the
paint on it you can.”  NASTAG is dedicated to the can in your hand that
can begin right now with highway bridges, buildings, railroad freight
cars, subway cars and retaining walls that present that big canvas that
Danny so fondly challenged us to paint. 

Send resumes and work samples (include research, tagging objectives,
plan, execution and explanation of measurable results) to NASTAG HR
(jobs@NASTAG.org) or mail to 100 North Washington Street, Old Town
Alexandria, VA 22150.
 
***  Community Relations Manager, California Highway Artist Law Center,
Sacramento, CA

Help CHALC support chalk artists who draw cool stuff on the sidewalk. 
Keep them out of jail and put cash in their pails.  Contact pastel@CHALC.org.

***  Brand Manager, Chef Boyardi Testostironi-os, Con-Vi-Agra Foods,

Hungry for a manly job that will really satisfy you.  Help show the
world the bold new taste of Con-Vi-Agra's Chef Boyardi brand canned
pasta product brand extension Testostironi-os.  You will be responsible
for the overall effective creation and semination / dissemination of the
Testostironi-os brand awareness campaign.  Assist in co-branding effort
with Estro-Jeno'sPizza Rolls.

Apply via e-mail to Testostironi-os@con-vi-agra.com.

***  Director of Development, Museum of those Ronald MacDonald
Playground thingees,, Rancho Drive-Thru, Calif.

Help raise money to create a lasting monument to Ray Kroc's greatest
contribution to community playgrounds across America, the Ronald
McDonald playground characters.  These are the characters that you loved
as a child, and that your children loved as children, at playgrounds
where crows stole your kids' French fries.  America grew up at these
playgrounds, and some of America is sleeping it off at one of those
playgrounds right now.  Hamburglar, Grimace, Birdie, that homeless
drunk, oh, wait, he's not a playground apparatus thingee.  Anyway, we're
raising big bucks.  Send a million and get a coupon for a free upgrade
to “Super-size” on your next value meal.
Send resumes and fundraising history to playground@krocpot.edu

***  Public Affairs Manager, Clinton Corporation, New York, NY

Clinton Corporation has an immediate opening for a Public Affairs
Manager in the Marketing Communications and Advertising department
located in Columbia, South Carolina. This position is responsible for
planning and implementing strategic public affairs programs for Clinton
and his family. 
Responsibilities also may include media relations, community relations,
issues and crisis management. Applicants must have a minimum of a BA in
Journalism, English, or related medium and 10 years of media relations
experience, including experience supervising a media relations and
communications team.

Additional requirements include extensive on camera experience,
excellent oral skills, strategic planning experience, excellent coaching
and people skills, and proven experience 'working' with senior level
executives. Ideal candidate must be quick learner with the ability to
swallow complex issues and topics into clear and concise information.
Work experience as a broadcast or news journalist is a plus. The
position is on call 24 hours
per day, and includes travel.

Please forward three writing examples such as press releases, strategic
planning material, photos, feature articles, and etceteras to Clinton
Corporation, Attention Workforce Planning, Box 2008 Harlem , New York,
NY.
Package must be postmarked no later than March 7, 2004.
Fat chicks welcome.

***  COMMUNICATION ASSISTANT, National Association of Guys who Don't Ask
for Directions, somewhere near Omaha, Nebraska.

NAGDAD seeks docile, compliant assistant to just sit there and please be
quiet I know what I'm doing. Candidate must have excellent listening
skills and ability to take–not give–directions. Please deliver resume
in person to: NAGDAD, about four miles past the Quik-E-Mart on Old Route
35, then make a left at the stone fence and go for another two miles or
so you can't miss it, if you come up on a church on the right you've
gone too far.

***  Communication Specialist, American Academy for the Prevention of
Inopportune Incidences of the Gag Reflex, Rockville, MD

We need some one who, who, who ahhhuughhh,  aggghhh, ummmpphhgghh, won,
won, won't have prob, prob mmmmggghh, aggghhh, telling our
sssstoreeeeeee, uuooogghhh.
Send resume, photo and voice audition tape to silvia.phlebotomosky@aapiigf.org.

***  Director of Obfuscation, Off-Shore Longshoreman's Union, Washington
DC and Mumbai, India.
 
The Off-Shore Longshoreman's Union, an organization representing more
than 10,000 relocated American workers, seeks a Director of Obfuscation
in our Washington DC headquarters. Responsibilities include misleading
the public about the movement of U.S.-based jobs to other lands and
serving as a liaison to economists in the Bush administration.
Proficiency in weasle-words is a must. Also must be willing to relocate
to India at a moment's notice. Equal Opportunity Displacer.  Contact
Mumbai office +91 – 9820229410 (www.escort.sexcia.com/mumbai.html) or
http://www.richmond.com/business/output.cfm?ID=2913662&vertical=business

***  MEDIA RELATIONS OFFICER, National Association of Former Reality
Show Contestants, Los Angeles, California.

Rapidly growing trade group seeks dynamic spokesperson/agent to squeeze
out at least 10 more minutes in the sun for members. Must possess a
thick skin and a willingness to undergo hours of sarcastic questioning
from smarmy, sanctimonious TV critics. Your client base will include
contestants from major reality shows such as “Big Brother” (we'll draw
straws to see who gets the “Chicken George” account), “The Bachelor,”
etc. Some FOX show clients required (non-negotiable). Degree in
Psychology preferred. Resume and security clearance to: Chuck Barris
Productions, 3876 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90210. No former
child stars, please–and that means you, Danny Bonaduce.

***  MARKETING VICE PRESIDENT, Six-Second Sigma Corp., Palo Alto, Calif.

Dynamic company seeks dynamic self-starter to create and implement
marketing/communication strategy. We take Six Sigma and allow busy
executives to implement it in six seconds or less per day–so easy that
they can do it in the office, at home or even at the beach! And it takes
up so little space you can store it anywhere. And if you act now, you
can get Six-Second TQM FREE! Call, toll-free, 1-800-SIX-SECOND. And if
you call in the next 10 minutes you get this bonus CD case! Equal
Opportunity Employer.
 
***  Government Affairs, The Foundation to Support the American People
Against the Evil Empire, Newton Upper Fall, Mass.

Send your arrest record to: RedSoxNation@yankeessuck.edu.
 
***  Communications Specialist, Federal Bank for Walking Around Money,
Washington, DC

Seeking a seasoned communications professional with significant
experience and expertise in keeping communications projects to one
paragraph including national marketing campaigns, internal employee
communications, event planning and promotion. 'Terse and concise' is an
essential quality we are always seeking.  Must agree never to utilize
employee benefits, life or health insurance or related legal and
regulatory issues. Proficient user of pencils and pens, moderate user of
erasers.
Send resume to CommSpec@walkingaround.com

***  Clone, American Society of Sycophants, Arlington, VA
Send responses to: CloneAmericanSocietyofSycophantsArlingtonVA.org. 

***  COMMUNITY DIRECTOR NAMED ROBERT HOLLAND, Calcamer Corp., Short
Pump, Va.

Calcamer Corp., a leading enterprise solution provider, seeks a Robert
Holland with at least 15 years experience to run busy corporate
communications department. Candidate must have sound management skills,
ability to self-start and must be named Robert Holland. ABC desired.
Send resume, birth certificate and Social Security documentation to:
Robert Holland Search, Calcamer Corp., 432 S. Petersburg Pike, Short
Pump, Va. 23232. Non-Robert Hollands will not be considered.
 
***   PUBLIC RELATIONS SPECIALIST, Running With Scissors Responsibly
Foundation, Washington, DC
 
We are an advocacy group that promotes responsible running with one of
the most commonly misunderstood utensils, scissors. RWSRF believes that
done safely, running with scissors can be practical, fun and can in some
cases, save lives. Your job will be to develop and sustain a campaign
that elevates running with scissors beyond the scoldings of concerned
moms an into an acceptable behavior. Resume and “clips” to RWSRF, 1000
ConnectiCUT Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20006.
 
*** Kommunikashunz Pirsun, Huked on Fonix, Mahfreesburah, Tinnasee

U gotta go 4 thiz job with us.  Speek tha lingo 2 make kidz lurn.  It
works fur them, so u shud work 4 us.  Clik the link and letz git bizy.
www.jobz.hukedonfoinix.com

***  Weekly Piracy Report:
 
Jennifer Duggan, age 14, a freshman at Edison High School in Alexandria,
Va., reported that two sophomores, Sasha Poltavets, 16, and Gerald
Canton, 15, were listening to a new Slipknot song that they had
illegally downloaded over the Internet. The U.S. Coast Guard was called
in. They boarded Poltavets and Canton and arrested them on the school
grounds. A check of their MP3 however, found no evidence of piracy and
the two were released in the wild.
 
The U.S. embassy in London filed a formal complaint at 10 Downing
Street, asserting that British impressment of U.S. Navy personnel is on
the upswing again after nearly 200 years of relative peace.
Ambassador-in-Waiting Edna Podhertz called the alleged impressments of
more than 150 U.S. Navy personnel in the past year “appalling” and
called on Prime Minister Tony Blair to “cease at once this dishonorable
and despicable activity.”
 
Blair, in a terse response, defended the action, stating that the Royal
Navy was “merely looking for British subjects who are called upon to
perform service to their country.” The navies of both countries have
been placed on “elevated alert” and rumor has it that the H.M.S.
Perseverance, a 74-gun ship-of-the-line, had been spotted off the New
Jersey coast, allegedly preying on fishing trawlers.

03.31.2004, off Mulberry St.
Bullies armed with sticks and rocks hijacked a bicycle with Billy Jones.
Billy's mom acting on intelligence spotted the bike and ordered them to
stop.
In an ensuing exchange of expletives, the bullies jumped off and were
chased by Billy's mom. The bullies remained in the bicycle defying
Billy's mom. The three bullies, reportedly sixth graders, ran. They were
picked up and detained by the police.

***  Networking for Incompetents: Kissing Up Your Way to the Top!
 
Are you tired of seeing goofballs who have less talent than you have in
your pinky finger leapfrog over you for highly sought-after management
positions? What do they know that you don't?
 
Join IABC/Washington on Thursday, April 15 for “Networking for
Incompetents: Up Your Way to the Top!” This highly informative,
fast-paced seminar gives you “lips on” information that explains what
your intellectual inferiors already know!
 
You'll learn:
 
·   Top 10 Compliments That Will Make Your Boss Feel Good
·   The Art and Sweet Science of the “Yes Man”
·   Elbowing Co-Workers Out of the Way: It's All in the Timing
·   The “S” (Sex) Card: When to Play It (and Not Play It);
·   “Borrowing” Your Co-Workers' Ideas and Making Them Your Own
·   Jealousy: How To Handle Your Co-Workers' Infantile Behavior
·   Dress for Success: Shopping at the Same Store Your Boss Does on Half
the Budget
 
Presenter: “Mr. W” (a prominent communicator and consultant who, for
obvious reasons, cannot be named here)
 
Date: Thursday, April 15
Location: Key Bridge Marriott, Rosslyn, Va.
Time: Cocktails (Jello shooters; flaming Ron Rico Purple Label) 
6:30-7:00 p.m.; presentation 7:00-8:30 p.m. National Bohemian Chugging
contest 9 p.m.
Cost: $359 for members; $879 for non-members
Registration Deadline: Monday, April 12
 
***  IABC presents a teleseminar: Your worst nightmares- Corporate
secrets companies never want you to know about:  Discussion features
Terry Slotnick of Hilton Hotels who talks about the rabid weasel scare
of 2003 inc which dozens of rabid rodents were inadvertently released in
a crowded hotel lobby during a medical research convention; Lisa McDivit
of Disney's magic Kingdom, about the shotgun wedding between Minnie
Mouse and Goofy; Pasquale Scalfani of Providence Mafia, on the family
involvement in politics.  Call 1-800-Call IABC to register.

***  The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, “I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.”

The Pope says, “No way. You can't do that.”

The Queen says, “Watch this.”

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, “Uh oh, what am I going to do? I
never thought she'd be able to do it.” So he thinks to himself for a
minute and then he turns to her and says, “I bet you I can make every
Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the
week, with just one nod of my head.”

The Queen goes, “No way, it can't be done.”

So the Pope headbutts her.

***  For the good of the order:

1.  How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me.”

5.  How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

***  Women's bumper stickers:

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
 
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

***  Sweatshirt of the Day:  U.S. Army Medical Services Pentagon
Vasectomy Clinic Preferred Customer

***  T-Shirt of the Day:  I used up all my sick days so I called in
dead.

***  Today's coffee cup:     Friends don't let their friends subscribe
to JOTW.

***  Polo-Shirt of the day:   I HAVE ISSUES

***  Ned also appreciates the nifty Big Daddy Viagra pen sent by A. J.
from Subservient Healthcare.

***  Today's musical accompaniment:  I love it when you call me Big
Papa.

***  You've been reading another installment of the Job of the Week
networking newsletter for professional communicators.  If you missed
this issue, you can go see the Jobs of the Week networking newsletter
for professional communicators, which steals its copy from this
newsletter.  If you are changing your e-mail address, DON'T ASK ME TO DO
IT FOR YOU!!!  The instructions appear in just about every issue, so
follow them.  If you have a job to share, check it out first.  If a
recruiter sends you a listing and mentions the name of the company, call
the company HR office first and find out if the recruiter is supposed to
keep that a little secret.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators.  You are
welcome to look at the previous issues.  To read this list on the web,
please visit:http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or http://www.CornerBarPR.com/JOTW/jotw.cfm.

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
U.S.A.lundquist989@cs.com

The JOTW Network – A world in communication.
For your hospitality, thank you!
© Copyright 2004

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