JOTW 13-2007 Add 1


–^———————————————————————————————-

Buy Tibet.  Why dalai around with “Free Tibet” when you can buy it? 
Interest-only, no-credit hassle free financing to buy your own country
in Asia.  And everything that goes along with that.  If you know what we
mean.www.buytibet.com
–^———————————————————————————————-

JOTW 13-2007 Add 1
March 32, 2007

“When a needle falls into a deep well, many people will look into the
well, but few will be ready to go down after it, and swim around looking
for it, especially if the water is not very clear, or if cattle have
been nearby and their waste has seeped into the well, or the children
are above you watching you look for the needle and are throwing things
at you, like sticks or stones or things like that because they have
nothing better to do, and really, does that particular needle really
matter all that much, I mean really.”
– African proverb

First of all, it doesn't cost you a cent.  This newsletter is free. 
Some additional charges may apply.  Taxes and fees are posted at the end
of this newsletter.

Welcome to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for
professional communicators.  JOTW is a cooperative service that relies
on the contributions of its members, like you.  We share job
opportunities, news and information about the job market, as well as
swapping stories about life's peculiarities.

How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in
communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it
with the JOTW network.  It's that simple.  And we share dozens of
opportunities each week.  Did I mention it was free?  Your friends can
sign up by sending a blank e-mail to
JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.  It's
free for them, too.

I never give out, rent, or sell my list, and neither does Topica. 
Actually, I do give it out, for free, to some Internet spam guy in
Russia, but he swears he'll never use it-he just wants to practice his
English. Honest.

In this thrilling issue:

***  One Paragraph Pitch
***  March 32, 2007 JOTW Horoscope for communicators
1.)  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, INSTITUTE FOR EVASIVE FECES, TIGHLMAN
ISLAND, MD
1.)  (Rev.)  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, INSTITUTE FOR INVASIVE SPECIES,
TIGHLMAN ISLAND, MD
2.)    Publicity Person, Miss Informed Pageant, Paiute Pete's Casino,
Winnemucca Convention and Visitors Authority, Winnemucca, NV
3.)   Press Secretary/Grass Roots Campaign Manager, What's Right is
Right, Washington, DC
4.)    Community Relations, Chemical Weapons Demilitarization Benefits
Office, Tooele, Utah
5.)  Community Relations Specialist, National Cockfighting
Championships, Southern Pines, North Carolina
6.)  Publicist, Cockfighting Helps Underscore Male Pride (CHUMP),
Hendersonville, North Carolina
7.)  Marketing Communications, Ricky's Rooster Tenders (but not for
long), Gap Tooth Poultry Processing, Spread Eagle, North Carolina
8.)  Mascot, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio
9.)  Marketing Communications and Promotions, Spring Break, Bonnie Belle
Suntan Lotion, Darfur, Sudan
10.)  Black Belt Publicist, Seven Sigma Corporation, Seattle, Washington
11.)  Community Relations, Touch No Child's Left Behind, Washington DC
12.)  Copy Editor, American Emdash Society, Annapolis, MD
13.)  Director of Communications, K-Tel HR Fads Company, Chicago
14.)  Vice President of Marketing, American Association of Executives
Who Are Leaving To Spend More Time with Their Families, Washington, D.C.
15.)  Publicist, Escarpment Pictures, Tujunga Canyon, California
16.)  Communications Director, American Society of People Who Make
Things Happen, Bethesda, MD
17.)  Media Relations Specialist, Association for People Who Watch Stuff
Happen, Rockville, MD
18.)  Senior Communications Strategist, National league of people Who
Wondered What The Hell Just Happened, Martinsburg, West Virginia
19.)  Publicist, Monistat Classic Women's College Basketball Tournament,
Guelph, Ontario, Candida
21.)    Communications Specialist, Save our Statues, Washington, DC
22.)  Director of Development, Emoticon Rescue League, New York, NY
23.)  Internal Communications Specialist, Executive Sentencing
Guidelines Campaign, Monolithic Energy, Galveston, TX
24.)  Investigator for Illegal Kremlin Activities, some Russian Guy,
Moscow, Russia
25.)  Director, Rodent Terrorist Exterminator, DHS, Washington, D.C.
26.)  Project Manager for Health Services Contractor, Gorgon Consulting,
Bethesda, MD
27.)  Program Managers, Dark World of Federal Property, General Services
Administration, Warehouse, Virginia
28.)  Hedge Fund Marketing Director, confidential client, confidential
location (contact confidential recruiter in confidence)
29.)  Public Relations Specialist, Funeral Home, Alexandria, VA
30.)  Education Director, Educational Development for People with Eating
Disorders and Erectile Dysfunction, Rockhard, Maryland
32.)  Publicist, Jane Fonda Academy of Sincere Apologies, Malibu, CA
33.)  Employee Communications, Circuit City, Short Pump, VA
34.)  Media Relations, National Association of Overpaid Employees,
Goochland, VA
35.)  Legislative and Public Affairs, American Society of Congressional
Aides who Sneaks Guns into the Capitol for their Bosses, Washington, DC
36.)  Outreach Director, Breastfeeding Outdoors-it's Our Bodies (BOOB),
Bethesda, MD
37.)  Public Affairs Specialist, National Museum of Velvet paintings,
Smithsonian Institution, The Mall, Washington, DC
38.)  Outrage Director, Department of Planned Spontaneity, Society for
Righteous Indignation, Washington, DC
39.)  Marketing and Publicity, World Solitaire League, Fox Sports,
Hauppauge, NY
40.)  Publicist, Law & Order, Total Jerk Squad, Dick Wolf Productions,
Hollywood, CA
41.)  Communications Director, Artificial Egg Nog Institute, Ashland, WI
42.)  Director of Communications and Development, Bits for Bondage
Campaign, International String Collectors Guild, Sir Lickham Down
Foundation, Gropeford House, Sheetbend Lane, Stropshire upon Ropeland,
Painwich, UK
43.)  Executive Director, National Association of Bloggers who Blog
About What Other people Blog About So They Can Get Them To Link Their
Blogs And Have Trackbacks, Torrence, CA
44.)  Communications Specialist, National Association of Cicadas,
Alexandria, VA
45.)  Communications Director, National League of Disabled Transgender
Hispanic Veteran Women, Alexandria, VA
46.)  Communications Manager, Scydes Eafera, Scedlandum
47.)  Communication Director, Campaign to Eliminate Insensitivity
Involving People With Initials (CAIIPWI), Washington, DC
48.)  Crisis Communications, Gambino, Bruno, Profaci, Colombo, Genovese,
Costello, Gigante, Persico, Bonnano & Goldblum, Cherry Hill, NJ

.and more than you expected!

***  One Paragraph Pitch:

I will rewrite the term paper you bought on the Internet so it won't
look like you are turning in somebody else's work.  When I'm done,
nobody will recognize it.  Believe me, I have a talent.

Specs Mountfordmountie@rework.com

***  Kudos to the United Way and spokesperson Peyton Manning:
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=84993

***  Why?

Dear Ned,

Why do you limit the one-paragraph pitch to one paragraph? I couldn't
possibly tell you how great I am and how desperate I am for a job in
just one paragraph. I need 10-15 paragraphs minimum. Please advise.

Sincerely,
A very important communicator

***  Hours after Senator Edward's dramatic press conference in which he
said he would continue his presidential campaign despite learning his
wife's cancer had returned, media expert and author Michael Levine
predicated that the announcement would dramatically help his poll
numbers. Now, one week later, John Edwards' poll position in the
Democratic presidential primaries surged in the wake of his announcement
that his wife, Elizabeth, is suffering from incurable cancer, a new Time
magazine survey shows. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton gets 38 percent,
while Sen. Barack Obama gets 30 percent and Edwards gets 26 percent.
That's a 9-point bump for Edwards since the mag's mid-March poll. The
new poll was conducted March 23-26. “The dramatic press conference
brought attention to Edwards and made his look confident, sympathetic
and human.” said Levine.

Sen. Clinton announced yesterday that her husband was also very sick,
and that she deserved sympathy points in the poll, too.

***  March 32, 2007 JOTW Horoscope for communicators:

Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19):  You are fat.

Gratis the Community Relations Manager ((April 20 – May 20):  You are
stupid.

Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21):  You are ugly.

Barnum the Publicist (June 21 – July 22):  You are boring.

Journalisticus the Editor (July 23 – Aug. 22):  People hate you.

Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22):  People
ignore you.

Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23):  You have a big
zit on your forehead.

Porous the Civil Servant Office manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21):  You are a
complainer.

Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):  Your dog hates you.

Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):  You're broke.

Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18): You
are a loser.

Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your mother thinks
you are a loser.

(Now, all of you get together and write a country music song: “I'm Ugly
and Boring, People Hate Me, People Ignore Me, I Have A Big Zit on My
Forehead, I am a Complainer, My Dog Hates Me, I'm Broke, I'm a Loser and
My Mom Thinks I'm A Loser.”)

***  Dear Ned,

Did you know that the Wizard of Oz was just a bunch of political crap? 

Hunk

***  Science Introduces Edible Data

In a major technological breakthrough, the National Academy of Applied
Science today announced a potential solution to the world hunger problem
through the application of nanotechnology and virtual reality to produce
“edible data.”

“While we still have a ways to go, this new biotech food has the
potential to solve world hunger problems,” Dr. Easton West told the
International World Hunger Symposium, meeting March 32 through April 3
in Paris. The new technology combines some of the newest research in the
field of quantum physics with nanotechnology to deliver edible data via
standard telecommunications channels.

Some of the issues to resolve include edible databackup in the human
intestinal tract, which is treated through the use of nanotechnological
constipative pharmaceuticals, also downloadable with a prescription.

Dr. West noted that any products likely to result from this new
technology are still several years away. In the United States, for
example, the Food and Drug Administration is still grappling with
testing standards for edible data. However, Dr. West said that China is
moving quickly to develop a process to license and market edible data,
possibly expediting interest in mass production capabilities.

***  U.S. Government, Microsoft and Verizon Team Addresses Data Theft

The FBA announced today that work with Microsoft and Verizon has
succeeded in the development of a new application that may bring an end
to problems posed by stolen government laptops.

“This new beta application named “Gotcha!” works in several ways to
thwart criminals,” FBI spokesperson April Fuhle announced. “Through the
use of several classified identifiers, stolen laptops will photograph
the user and transmit that person's photo to law enforcement agencies
nationwide, along with GPS tracking. This ability, which has been
successfully tested, has resulted in immediate rest and retrieval of the
equipment.” Fuhle also noted that data encryption has prevented data on
stolen laptops from being accessed.

“We expect to apply Gotcha! technology in many other ways,” Fuhle said.
Microsoft and Verizon will include Gotcha! on their 2008 products.

***  From Dan Gerlach

Dear Ned, please include this job listing in your next issue. I am an
intern writing my first job description and am excited but a little
nervous, and they haven't given me much to work with here.

Sincerely,
Dan Gerlach
Career Profiles

1.)  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, INSTITUTE FOR EVASIVE FECES, TIGHLMAN
ISLAND, MD

Company in Maryland seeks people to catch manure, I think. The
successful candidate must provide his/her own plastic gloves and have a
sharp eye for not stepping in doo-doo. Previous experience walking dogs
helpful. Send Resume to IEF, Tighlman Island, Md.

Dear Ned,

Sorry to bother you, but please disregard the previous job listing I
sent you and use the one below instead. I misunderstood the client's
message (it's their own fault, their phone line is awful). Needless to
say, they are not happy with me. So please delete the previous message I
will be in deep doo-doo (heh!) if you don't.

Sincerely,
Dan

1.)  (Rev.)  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, INSTITUTE FOR INVASIVE SPECIES,
TIGHLMAN ISLAND, MD

Company in Maryland seeks communication specialist to promote awareness
of invasive species in the Chesapeake Bay, such as the snakehead, the
Canada Goose and the hydrilla. Good hearing skills essential. Resume to
IIS, Tighlman Island, Md.

2.)    Publicity Person, Miss Informed Pageant, Paiute Pete's Casino,
Winnemucca Convention and Visitors Authority, Winnemucca, NV

Help promote the “Intelligent Beauty pageant,” held each year at the
“Crossroads of the West.”  This event pits beauty and brains against one
another, to help find who is truly the “smartest broad alive,” and
worthy of being crowned as “Miss Informed.”  Contestants will be forced
to recall trivial facts while subjected to the scorching temperature,
arid dry air and thin atmosphere in the high desert.  Semi-finalists
must sing show tunes while drinking shots and reciting Shakespeare
backwards.  Finalists will be dumped in abandoned silver mines and be
given a time limit to find their way out and get back to the Paiute
Pete's Casino in time for the crowning ceremony in evening gowns and
heels.

Send an email to PageantPubPers@PaiutePete.com

3.)   Press Secretary/Grass Roots Campaign Manager, What's Right is
Right, Washington, DC

Lead the charge up Capitol Hill to repeal the “Truth in Porn Act.” 
We're looking for bipartisan support to bust this bad bill back on its
ass.  Fundamentally, everyone knows this is the right thing to do.  Can
you deliver the money shot?

Send resume and pictorial portfolio to comm.@noway.org

4.)    Community Relations, Chemical Weapons Demilitarization Benefits
Office, Tooele, Utah

We need you to tell our great story to the community and the nation. 
It's an exciting story that is not well understood.  Sure, nerve gas,
mustard gas and blister agents are generally seen as pretty nasty stuff
in the wrong hands and in the right weather conditions.  But did you
know that the enzyme acetylcholinesterase, found in sarin makes hops
grow prolific and hearty, and who doesn't like that hopsy taste in beer?
 We all know that cyanogen chloride and hydrogen sulfide keep cellular
respiration from occurring and preventing oxygen from keeping us alive. 
But it's great for shining brass, copper and other metals. 
2-Chlorovinyldichloroarsine, better known among the CW crowd (that's
chemical weapons, don't worry, you'll catch the lingo post haste) as
Lewisite 1, gives you those large and uncomfortable blisters all over
your body.  But they also control slugs and snails, and which is more
important? 

You can now see that chemical weapons are a real boon to the community,
and a town should be thrilled to know we're cracking these shells open
in their back yard and making other great byproducts.  And everyone gets
to wear a nifty bright yellow suit.

Send your resume and skin type to donotremove@chemdemil.gov

5.)  Community Relations Specialist, National Cockfighting
Championships, Southern Pines, North Carolina

Join our team in promoting a proud American tradition! The National
Cockfighting Championships is a privately owned sports entertainment
venue on the verge of a public breakthrough. The candidate will possess
persuasive skills, familiarity with obtaining television contracts and
discretion. Knowledge of state and local laws a must; legal background
preferred. Resume to NCC, the Barn Behind Ed's House, (knock three
times, pause, then twice more), Southern Pines N.C.

6.)  Publicist, Cockfighting Helps Underscore Male Pride (CHUMP),
Hendersonville, North Carolina

CHUMP, the “NASCAR of Cockfighting,” seeks experienced professional to
develop and foster a brand identity campaign. The candidate will promote
product at gun shows, state fairs, auto races and other stereotypical
settings as we galvanize our existing fan base and branch out to other
audience segments. Strong knowledge of the complete “Dukes of Hazard”
TVshow a plus. Y'all call us at 1-555-555-2625 and tell us why you da
man.

7.)  Marketing Communications, Ricky's Rooster Tenders (but not for
long), Gap Tooth Poultry Processing, Spread Eagle, North Carolina

Ricky's Rooster Tenders, the largest processor of cockfighting remains
and entrails, seeks marketing/communications specialist with a flair for
spin. We've discovered that it's hard to sell our products when we
called it “Ricky's Rooster Remains and Entrails,” so we hired Ricky's
brother-in-law who used to work at McDonald's who came up with the
“rooster tenders” name. Problem is, they're not always tender, as we
sometimes end up with beaks and talons in the product, and the FDA is
coming down on us like Alberto Gonzales on a wayward U.S. attorney.
Think you can help us? Send us a letter explaining how you can look
someone in the eye and lie like a dog to: Gap Tooth Poultry Processing,
Spread Eagle, N.C. 28999

8.)  Mascot, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio

Kent State University, one of the largest institutions of higher
learning in the State of Ohio, seeks a new mascot. Let's face it, folks:
when it came to college nicknames, Kent State didn't give it a lot of
thought. Our nickname, the “Golden Flashes,” was created with good
intentions, but our mascot–a menopausal woman wearing a Depends
undergarment–has failed to inspire shock and awe among our opponents,
nor has it galvanized our fan base. And Mrs. McCullen, who has served as
our Mascot for the past 17 years, says she recently lost another tooth
and doesn't want to do it anymore. So, we seek a dynamic, creative
mascot who can make this challenge his/her own. Send your resume, cover
letter and a full-length photo (tasteful, please) to: Search Committee,
Mascot, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio 44242.

9.)  Marketing Communications and Promotions, Spring Break, Bonnie Belle
Suntan Lotion, Darfur, Sudanwww.gottagetit.com

10.)  Black Belt Publicist, Seven Sigma Corporation, Seattle, Washington

When Six Sigma isn't good enough-there's Seven Sigma! We are setting the
new standard in organizational excellence. We've taken the six standard
deviations between the mean and the nearest specification limit in any
process and found the seventh deviation-the X Deviation. (It's the
deviation that explains why, for example, Sanjaya is still on American
Idol.). It's the deviation that the Six Sigma people don't want you to
know about! Help us makes scads of money off of gullible HR types.
Resume, cover letter and prison history to: Seven Sigma Corporation,
14-B Pike Place Market (behind Eddie the Fishmonger), Seattle, WA 95666.

11.)  Community Relations, Touch No Child's Left Behind, Washington DC
Send resume and “Promise not to touch” pledge to:
Leave 'em alone, 1300 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC 20030 (Attn:  HR)

12.)  Copy Editor, American Emdash Society, Annapolis, MD
When a little dash won't do ya..
Contact Judy@emdash.org

13.)  Director of Communications, K-Tel HR Fads Company, Chicago

Privately owned company dedicated to preserving great human resources
fads of yore seeks experienced Director of Communications to keep the
dream alive. No experience necessary, but knowledge of Zero Defects,
Total Quality Management (TQM), 360 Feedback and other well-meaning
wastes of money desired (coming soon: our Six Sigma Division). Resume
and cover letter explaining where you'd like to be in five years and
what you think people would say are your biggest strengths/weaknesses
to: K-Tel, 101 Wrigley Building, Chicago Illinois 60606. Rotary phone
calls only, please.

14.)  Vice President of Marketing, American Association of Executives
Who Are Leaving To Spend More Time with Their Families, Washington, D.C.

Ever wonder where all those executives who leave companies “to spend
more time with their families” go? They come here! Dynamic trade
association in Washington DC has created a place for these wayward
executives. We give them a desk, a phone and some important-looking
papers to shuffle so that when they say they're leaving to spend more
time with their families, they're telling the truth! Resume, cover
letter and explanation of why you left your last job to spend more time
with your family to: AAEWLSMTTF, P.O. Box 1600, Washington, DC 20006. 
Additionally, see job opening at our sister company, The American
Association of Executives Who are Leaving to Pursue other Career
Opportunities.

15.)  Publicist, Escarpment Pictures, Tujunga Canyon, California

Publicist wanted to create buzz and excitement about “Rematch in the
Field,” starring “Lillies of the Field” star Sydney Poitier, who returns
to the screen as itinerant worker Homer Smith.  When he pulls up to the
very farm where the nuns (who have escaped from Communist eastern
Europe) convinced him to build a church 50 years earlier, he finds the
place is now a giant complex with a school, hospital and shrine to Our
Lady of the Barbed Wire. And a winery, and a four-year college. Abe
Vigoda plays Father Murphy, who talks Smith into coaching the college
basketball team. Smith recruits a 7'-3″ center from Serbia who may or
may not have been closely related to Mother Maria, and turns the
“Lillies”-who were oh-and-seven in the Land of Enchantment league-around
to whoop their way to the conference championship. They incredibly get
an at large bid to the NCAA tournament, but Smith gets back into his old
beat up station wagon and drives off before the big game proving that
quitters can finish first.
 https://www.jobs.escarpment.lowbudget.tearjerker/exploitation/publicist

16.)  Communications Director, American Society of People Who Make
Things Happen, Bethesda, MDwww.aspwth.org/career/getoutoftheway
 
17.)  Media Relations Specialist, Association for People Who Watch Stuff
Happen, Rockville, MDwww.apwwsh.org/hr/employment/medrelspec
 
18.)  Senior Communications Strategist, National league of people Who
Wondered What The Hell Just Happened, Martinsburg, West Virginiawww.weshouldmakeupsomecoolurl.org/hr/positions/jobs/communicationsomethingorother/

19.)  Publicist, Monistat Classic Women's College Basketball Tournament,
Guelph, Ontario, Candada

Here's a man's job that needs a woman's touch.  We need you to be tough
under the basket, not give an inch in the lane, move the ball down court
and be able to shoot a clutch trey before the buzzer.  Get in bed with
the sports writers and ensure plenty of product recognition for the
sponsor.
Send your resume to HR@MonistatClassic.edu

20.)  Compliance Communications Specialist, Human Resources Department,
Ambigu-comm, Springfield, VA

Ambigu-comm is a registered 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization and an
equal opportunity employer that does not discriminate on the basis of
religion, gender, age, disability, national origin, race, veteran status
or any other status protected by U.S. or Canadian federal or State or
County or City or Town or Community or neighborhood or Condominium
Association law. The employees of the Ambigu-comm shall carry out the
duties to which they are assigned in faithfulness to the mission of the
agency.  The employee is subject to pre-employment, reasonable
suspicion, post-accident, random promotion and transfer, return-to-duty,
and follow-up drug and alcohol testing.  The testing will determine type
of alcoholic beverage and garnishes, such as cherries, twists, lime or
lemon, or little umbrellas or swizzle-sticks.  The employee is subject
to a pre-employment physical examination with a written statement from
the physician as to the employee's ability to meet the physical strength
and dexterity requirements of the position. This position has physical
requirements that require a full range of body motion including, but not
limited to, stretching, bending, lifting, sitting, standing, walking,
pushing and pulling, getting up out of your own chair and going to the
bathroom by yourself and conducting your business without assistance or
supervision, to include washing your hands afterwards; manual and finger
dexterity and hand-eye coordination, and facial expression such as
smirking in displeasure and winking in a cheeky and inviting manner. 
Vision and hearing must be correctable to the normal range.  I SAID
VISION AND HEARING MUST BE CORRECTABLE TO THE NORMAL RANGE.  Work may be
performed in an office environment.  Or not.  Must be able to make
coffee and refill the paper in the printer.  You must be able to lift a
telephone receiver and place it to your ear while talking and remain
alert to the conversation, particularly where tasks are being assigned
to you.  Or you might be sent out in the rain to park cars in the muddy
field behind the warehouse.

Accordingly, Ambigu-comm does not practice or condone unlawful
discrimination in any form against students or athletes who play in the
tournament, employees or applicants on the grounds of race, color,
religion, creed, sex, national origin, age, disability, or veteran
status.  Nor does organization allow discrimination on the basis of
sexual orientation, with respect to any other organization that might
participate in any matters that do not contravene federal or state law
and that do not interfere with the relationships with outside
organizations, including the federal government, the military, ROTC, and
private employers.  Discrimination based upon race, color, religion,
creed, sex, national origin, age, disability, veteran status, or sexual
orientation is in violation of law and policy, and will not be
tolerated.  Intolerance of the policy will not be tolerated. 
Retaliation against any person complaining of discrimination will not be
tolerated.  Discriminating against anyone complaining about the
intolerance of the policy will not be tolerated.  Retaliation against
anyone causing any interference, coercion, restraint or reprisal against
a person complaining of discrimination or participating in the
resolution of a complaint of discrimination will not be tolerated. 
Anyone who objects to the intolerance of those who retaliate against the
policy of intolerance of those who do not tolerate the acceptance of
those who have a gender identity and expression mean having or being
perceived as having gender-related characteristics, appearance,
mannerisms, or identity, whether or not stereotypically associated with
one's assigned sex at birth will not be tolerated.  Anyone who
discriminates against a person who has smoked dope, dropped acid, has
numerous parking tickets, has been in jail, has more than ten tattoos,
has more than five moving violations, has dropped the f-word at work, or
contributed to the delinquency of a minor shall not be tolerated. 
Anyone who doesn't tolerate all this stuff will be jammed up in the rest
room by HR.

Candidate will be subjected to a lie detector test after first consuming
three Mountain Dews and two Starbucks venti espressos. Candidate must be
prepared to answer questions about sexual practices and other highly
personal information. Be creative.

All submissions must be provided via registered certified mail to
Gabrielle Fallopio
Human Resources
Ambigu-comm
7813 Richfield Rd.
Springfield, VA 22153
Attention:  Deficit Disorder

21.)    Communications Specialist, Save our Statues, Washington, DC

Help limit the exposure of statues, paintings and artwork across
America.  Our campaign will appropriate cloth the otherwise bare
breasted artwork in public buildings and spaces.  Like that awful
painting by Delacroix, “Liberty Leading the People,” in which Liberty is
letting it all hangout, around our military men no less.  Join me, John
Ashcroft, in conducting the greatest coverup in the history of our great
nation.  Contact me at cloakroom@sos.org.

22.)  Director of Development, Emoticon Rescue League, New York, NY

Every day people use emoticons to add emphasis to their emails, then
ignore, discard or delete them.  Emoticons have feelings, too.  The
Director of Development will raise awareness and create contribution
streams that will enable ERL to spread the word about “Emoticons – Not
Just Another Happy face.” Contact Shonali Burke
(sburke@emoticonrescue.org) , ABC, Vice President of Communications,
Emoticon Rescue League, NY, NY
www.smilesandsuch.com/free/emoticons/theywontgoaway/jobs

23.)  Internal Communications Specialist, Executive Sentencing
Guidelines Campaign, Monolithic Energy, Galveston, TX

Responsibilities:
Lead communications effort to inform senior executive currently under
indictment on federal charge of potential sentencing options.  Help them
select the facility that's right for them.  www.monolithic.com/jobs/morejobs/evenmorejobs

24.)  Investigator for Illegal Kremlin Activities, some Russian Guy,
Moscow, Russia

Chief foreign affairs investigator needed to serve a principal executive
responsible for investigating allegations that the Kremlin is behind
recent poisoning deaths in London, arms sales to Iraq, shootings in
Washington DC, and climate change worldwide as part of an attempt to
restore the reign of the USSR. Individual must have demonstrated skills
in Russian language and culture, KGB initiatives, strong investigatory
experience, and ability to look into Russian President Vladimir Putin's
eyes to see into his soul. Candidate must be able to obtain and maintain
a secret clearance. Agency not responsible for death by poison,
shooting, use of military tactics or natural disasters generated by
climate change.
www.littledosewithdoya.re/careers

25.)  Director, Rodent Terrorist Exterminator, DHS, Washington, D.C.

The Department of Homeland Security is seeking applicants responsible
for eraticating a group of terrorist rodents discovered living in the
ceilings at several DHS facilities. This individual will develop systems
to detect and seek out terrorist rodents as part of the new DHA
initiative. Must have knowledge of rodent habitats, experience in rodent
eratification and expertise in covert rodent terrorists operations,
including detection of wireless erat networks.

cret.gov/anti-rodentadministration/1276544/hgff?asp.somegobbydegook/more
numbers544826800/whatdoesallthismean?98770

26.)  Project Manager for Health Services Contractor, Gorgon Consulting,
Bethesda, MD

Gorgon Consulting seeks an outstanding applicant to manage numerous
health care government contracts. Applicants should have extensive
experience in converting perceptions into reality. Special capabilities
should include, but are not limited to cognitive dissonance, and use of
both strategic and subliminal messaging to create perception of
tremendous value with little actual output to best maximize group
profits. Candidate will also demonstrate expertise in creating confusion
and disruption among staff to better manipulate ability to exercise
million-dollar options with little oversight.
www.gorgon.com/jobs/phmsc

27.)  Program Managers, Dark World of Federal Property, General Services
Administration, Warehouse, Virginia

Experienced and fearless program managers needed with ability go where
no one has gone before to bring light and transparency into the world of
federal property management. Candidate should have extensive experience
in locating the light at the end of the tunnel and avoiding black holes.
Must have ability to track hundreds of IT devices that mysteriously
develop appendages and vacate controlled facilities. Candidates with
innate GPS capabilities to locate missing equipment given preferential
consideration.
www.usajobs.gov.dark

28.)  Hedge Fund Marketing Director, confidential client, confidential
location (contact confidential recruiter in confidence)

International hedge fund accepting applications for Marketing Director
to play integral role in expansion of wealth management. Successful
candidate will operate in the weeds to seek out unlisted shares. Through
shear management skills, will build stakes in companies before they
become private. Ability to trim deadwood from hedge fund is required.
Experience in biomass investments and knowledge of bovine byproducts,
which can promote growth, are essential. Expertise with hedgehogs a
plus.

(Contact info in confidential)

29.)  Public Relations Specialist, Funeral Home, Alexandria, VA

Major DC metro area funeral home needs public relations specialist to
manage grave industry issues. Must be willing to dig below the surface
to uncover compelling communication needs. Expertise at burying
skeletons in closet if such needs arise essential part of job.   Must
have tasteful dark suit and lack of humor.
Send resumes in good taste to dyingbreed@laststop.com

30.)  Education Director, Educational Development for People with Eating
Disorders and Erectile Dysfunction, Rockhard, Maryland
Send resume to
ed@ededed.edu

31.)  Government Relations Specialist, Native American Pocket Mining
Association, Gungywamp, CT
Gold.  Silver.  Nickle.  We take it all.www.Casinojobs.com/napma

32.)  Publicist, Jane Fonda Academy of Sincere Apologies, Malibu, CA

Our client list is growing and we need help! Our backlog includes
washed-up Hollywood child actors, Walter Reed hospital administrators,
the judges from American Idol who pushed through Sanjaya to the Final 10
and many others! Sadly, no Bush Administration officials, yet. Groveling
skills essential. Resume to HelpMeSaveMyCareer@America.com or getoverit@janefonda.edu .

33.)  Employee Communications, Circuit City, Short Pump, VA

Develop and implement communications plan to tell best qualified workers
they are no longer wanted because they are paid too much, and make them
feel good about it. 

Develop and implement a communications plan to hire and train security
workers to escort best qualified and well-like employees to the door
when they are notified they are being terminated.

Develop and implement a communications plan to inform executives of
bonuses for eliminating the highest paid employees.  The more people you
fire, the bigger the bonus.    For every $10K you save each year, we pay
you a $20K bonus!

To help communicate the proactive effort to reinvest salary dollars into
incentives for top management.

– Pay raises for all non-management personnel will be eliminated.
– The funds made available by project SCRAM (Severance Curtailment
Recapitalization And Management) will be placed into an account for
senior leadership, to be paid out based on the amount of funds
redirected by those managers.
– Those employees terminated will not receive severance, allowing
additional funds to be placed into the executive bonus fund called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Contact hrcomms@ccity.com

34.)  Media Relations, National Association of Overpaid Employees,
Goochland, VA www.naooe.org/careers/media

35.)  Legislative and Public Affairs, American Society of Congressional
Aides who Sneaks Guns into the Capitol for their Bosses, Washington, DC
Resume to OhWhatATangledWebbWeWeave@Senate.gov
 
36.)  Outreach Director, Breastfeeding Outdoors-it's Our Bodies (BOOB),
Bethesda, MD

We are a highly motivated group of women who actively assert our right
to breastfeed in public. We are searching for a new Outreach Director,
since we had to get rid of our previous director, who came up with a
horrible slogan (“Putting the 'lech' back into 'La Leche') and arranging
a disastrous appearance on “Maury” (“Women Who Breastfeed in Public
-and the Men Who Adore Them”). The successful candidate will have
that unique combination of sensitivity to personal issues with a
feminist militancy that would make Gloria Steinem swell with pride.

– Must have good oral presentation skills.

We're looking for an aggressive, in-your-face communicator who has
something to get off their chest, and the answer is right there under
your chin.  The buttoned-down approach won't do in this job.

– Manage the “Baby you suck!” brand effort
– Promote the 24-hour “Nippleodeon” channel for infant viewing during
breast feeding.
– Lead the “Topfree Equality” message by setting the example with our
key audiences.
– Direct “Hanging Gardens of Boobylon” progect

Resume, clips and manifesto to: BOOB, 36 Louis Pasteur Blvd., Bethesda,
Md. 20815.
Or contact Mary Hadalittle Lamb (sheepish@boob.org) or Aréole Mammaire
(
areole.mammaire@boob.org)www.yougottaproblemwithme.org

37.)  Public Affairs Specialist, National Museum of Velvet paintings,
Smithsonian Institution, The Mall, Washington, DCwww.smithsonian.edu/pao/288734/9883/

38.)  Outrage Director, Department of Planned Spontaneity, Society for
Righteous Indignation, Washington, DC
Contact:
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww@sri.org

39.)  Marketing and Publicity, World Solitaire League, Fox Sports,
Hauppauge, NY

Bring the thrills of solitaire, the world's favorite card game, to live
television on the new Fox Solitaire Channel.  You'll start this job with
a full deck!
www.foxtv.solitaire/marketing/hdd7544.aspx

40.)  Publicist, Law & Order, Total Jerk Squad, Dick Wolf Productions,
Hollywood, CA

You're going to love this job.  Join the marketing effort for Dick
Wolf's newest iteration of L&), the Total Jerk Squad.  Join these
rough-around-the-edges dicks as they slap their way silly through perps,
vics and witnesses, even the DA and the bench.  It's cliché city, baby.www.dickwolfproductions/lawandorder/careers/publicist

41.)  Communications Director, Artificial Egg Nog Institute, Ashland, WIwww.nog.org/job

42.)  Director of Communications and Development, Bits for Bondage
Campaign, International String Collectors Guild, Sir Lickham Down
Foundation, Gropeford House, Sheetbend Lane, Stropshire upon Ropeland,
Painwich, UKwww.tiemeup.com.uk/careers

43.)  Executive Director, National Association of Bloggers who Blog
About What Other people Blog About So They Can Get Them To Link Their
Blogs And Have Trackbacks, Torrence, CAwww.itscalledsocialmediastupid.org

44.)  Communications Specialist, National Association of Cicadas,
Alexandria, VA
17 year-temporary maternity leave position.www.buzz.org/jobs/commspec

45.)  Communications Director, National League of Disabled Transgender
Hispanic Veteran Women, Alexandria, VA
Preference will be given based on the severity of disability, and degree
of transgender transition.  Just coming in wearing a pantyhose doesn't
make you a woman.http://jobview.monster.com/getjob.asp?JobID=54631834

46.)  Communications Manager, Scydes Eafera, Scedlandum

Hwæt! We Gardena  in geardagum,  þeodcyninga,  þrym gefrunon, hu ða
æþelingas  ellen fremedon.
Oft Scyld Scefing  sceaþena þreatum, monegum mægþum,  meodosetla ofteah,
egsode eorlas.  Syððan ærest wearð feasceaft funden,  he þæs frofre
gebad, weox under wolcnum,  weorðmyndum þah, þæt him æghwylc  þara
ymbsittendra ofer hronrade  hyran scolde, gomban gyldan.  Þæt wæs god
cyning!
Ðæm eafera wæs  æfter cenned, [13] geong in geardum,  þone god sende
folce to frofre;  fyrenðearfe ongeat þe hie ær drugon  aldorlease
lange hwile.  Him þæs liffrea [17] wuldres wealdend,  woroldare forgeaf;

Beowulf wæs breme  (blæd wide sprang), Scyldes eafera  Scedelandum in.
www. beow(ulf)ofthescyldings.com/jobs/dragons

47.)  Communication Director, Campaign to Eliminate Insensitivity
Involving People With Initials (CAIIPWI), Washington, DC

Many people use initials instead of names.  However, insensitive groups
such as the National Collegiate Athletic Association have thoughtlessly
and insensitively adopted initials instead of their names without regard
to the feelings of Americans of abbreviated decent.

The energies of the National Collegiate Athletic Association directed at
eliminating collegiate athletic teams with nicknames and mascots that
identify with America's proud native heritage are misplaced
Contact:  T.S. Elliott at tse@caiipwi.org

48.)  Crisis Communications, Gambino, Bruno, Profaci, Colombo, Genovese,
Costello, Gigante, Persico, Bonnano & Goldblum, Cherry Hill, NJ
(Don't call us.  We'll find you.)

***  Weekly Piracy Report:

22.03.2007 0705 UTC in position: 08:43.0N – 076:14.0E, SW Coast, India.
Three pirates in two speed boats boarded a rig under tow by two tug
boats. One of the pirates flashed the bird at the master on the larger
of the tugs, then proceeded to take a leak on the starboard deck cleat. 
Master raised his fists in alarm and the pirates jumped overboard and
escaped in their boats.  
 
West Lafeyette Indiana, March 27: A sophomore in Dunbar Hall allegedly
illegally downloaded “High School Musical” and “The Hanna Montana
Album.” He was ostracized by his dorm-mates and given a wedgie.

Springfield, Virginia, March 23: An employee of Cox Communications
observed a man on Richfield Drive stealing cable TV service from all the
other residents of Fairfax County, resulting in a 45 percent rate
increase for basic cable service. The man was counseled and threatened
with prosecution. He apologized.

Malucca Straits, March 25: A lookout on a freighter spotted a submarine
heading toward the ship. The crew went to General Quarters. An
Indonesian Navy vessel dropped depth charges on the submarine, which
turned out just to be a humpback whale, which died. The crew laughed
about it afterward.

21.03.2007 1855 UTC in position: 01:41.20N – 101:27.90E, Dumai port,
Indonesia.
Three robbers armed with knives boarded a tanker from port quarter.
However, they thought they were actually on the starboard side
amidships.  Thinking they were heading aft, they were actually heading
forward.  They entered the accommodation area on the O2 level, thinking
they were on the main deck, to steal some magazines.  Robbers were
confronted by a Philippino crew member.  Robbers called the crew member
a “Damn Malaysian.”  Crew member responded,” I am not Malaysian.  I am
from Palawan.  And you two thieves must be scum from Java.”  No, said
the first robber, “I am from Halmahera.  I have a sister who married a
man from Java, and they now live in a box on the side of the road
between Tanjung Priok and Jakarta.” The other robber added, “I am from
Suluwesi.  I have never even been to Java.”
Master raised alarm, robbers slipped back over the fantail, but were
still disoriented and thought they were at the forecastle.  Pirates
thpought they were escaping to Lombok but actually headed off in
direction of Kilimantan. Crew alerted, authorities were informed. Search
party conducted a thorough search on board and no magazines were found
to be missing or stolen.  

***  Ball cap of the week:  International Brotherhood of Union Busters
and Strikebreakers, Washington, DC

***  Coffee Mug of the Day:   Iranian Institute of Compassionate Captors

***  T-Shirt of the day:  Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner, Spring Break '07,
Darfur, Sudan

***  Today's featured musical accompaniment:   “Escape (The Pina Colada
Song)” by Rupert Holmes. You will now be humming this song all day.
You're welcome.  From the Concert for Brittany soundtrack.
 
***  The new, recommended, optional, suggested JOTW policy that asks
people who submit listings on behalf of their employer consider maybe
possibly sending a company hat, mug or shirt to JOTW, maybe, perhaps. 

*** This is your Job of the Week e-mail newsletter, a cooperative
service of professional communicators providing mutual support to one
another. The JOTW serves 10,207 professional communicators, and 3,559
unprofessional communicators, and growing every week. 

***  As you know, JOTW is free. However, some additional charges, taxes
and fees may apply under the following circumstances:

* Persons who submit a “One Paragraph Pitch” with more than one
paragraph will be charged $100 per extra paragraph.
*   North American Anti-Porn Internet Improvement Fee  $19.80  
*   U.S Department of Agriculture Anti-nematode Inspection Fee $5.00   
*   County of Fairfax Business Security Indemnity Fee      $7.25   
*   U.S Citizen Community Networking Facility Charge       $4.50   
*   U.S Derogatory Information Rebuttal Insurance Charge       $7.20   
*   U.S Webuser Humorous Anecdote Processing Charge       $4.10   
*   U.S. Electronic Newsletter Segment Tax         $10.20  
*   Persons who write indignant emails about a joke they didn't get will
be subject to a one-time $49.95 “Get a Sense of Humor Fee.”
*   Job listings with excessive use of the word “the” and use of passive
voice will be subject to a Passive Voice Removal Fee of $9.95.
*   Canadian Goods and Services Tax (GST/HST #10009-2287) Can$ 1.19   
(Note:  This fee applies to all Canadian Citizens and people have been
to Canada, know a Canadian, or have watched hockey on TV)
* March 32 Observance Fee       $2.50   
* Free installation service charge $99.95
* Free installation adaptor kit     $54.59
* Free installation wiring harness (2)  $27.99
*U.S.A Immigration Determination and Preferential Deportation Insurance
Fee      $7.00   
*Ambiguity Tax      $416.70 
* National Ambivalence Act Compliance fee/non fee payment/credit    (+/-)
$6.79
* Hacker Gratuity       $11.00 (per event)
Mandatory Options        
Derogatory Feedback Guarantee $1.78
*   Job listings for Vice President-level positions or higher that pay
less than US$50,000 per year will be charged a $50 Bullshit Fee.
*   Typos will be corrected for a fee of $5 per offense.
*  At JOTW there is no such thing as a dumb question. However, dumb
questions will be subject to a fee of $9.95. A complete list of dumb
questions can be obtained from JOTW for $19.95 plus shipping and
handling.

Please help contribute job opportunities so that this information can be
shared with everyone in the network. The key to successful networking is
living by the golden rule.  Do something to help a fellow communicator,
and some day they may be in a position to
help you, or someone else like you.

How does it work?  If you find out about a job opportunity
in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share
it with the JOTW network.  It's that simple.  And we share dozens of
opportunities each week.  Did I mention it was free?

***  JOTW is made of whole, all-natural ingredients, with the following
additives:

– Compound 6-hydroxydopamine (6-OHDA), which has been found to reduce
dopamine
– Acesulfame-k, riboflavin, thiamine mononitrate, sodium aluminum
phosphate, butylated hydroxyanisole,  potassium bromate, saccharin and
aspartame to heighten a sense of desire for more JOTW.
– Monosodium glutamate to enhance Ned's commentary and failed attempts
humor
– Butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT) to preserve Ned's freshness

– Each issue of JOTW is fermented at 55-60 degrees F then emailed to you
in an airtight enclosure.  Please allow to breath before reading.  Serve
slightly chilled.

Warning:

– Do not read JOTW on an empty stomach. 
– Drink eight glasses of water with each issue. 
– Do not operate heavy machinery, spread mulch, dig holes, plant sees,
rake leaves, sweep floors, or rearrange canned goods on shelves, while
reading JOTW.
– JOTW may cause depression, anxiety, dry mouth, watery eyes, runny
nose, smelly feet, stinky B.O., sore gums, frolicking, bleeding, sharp
language, adult themes, disturbing violence and occasional glimpses of
nudity
– Combining JOTW with rat poising in a laboratory has been known to
cause death in laboratory rats.
– May cause flatulence, bleeding of the gums, loss of appetite,
hemorrhaging, depression, manic disorder and skin rashes.
Your cooperation is requested.  Please send job opportunities to share
with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com.

***  Ned thanks Mike Sorohan and Anne Mayberry for their contributions
to this issue.

***  Food for the massive JOTW staff provided by the JOTW official
caterer, Fern's Country Store, Carlisle, Mass.

If you want to subscribe to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking
newsletter for professional communicators, send a blank e-mail to:JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.

If you are adding an address, and want to delete one, or if you really
don't want to read the newsletter, then send an email to: JOTW-unsubscribe@topica.com
 
I don't have a website.  Ha.  Tricked you.  I do have a website.

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC
Captain, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
U.S.A.
+1 703 455-7661lundquist989@cs.com
Work:
(703) 692-4609elundquist@alionscience.com
edward.lundquist@navy.mil

The JOTW Network – A world in communication.
For your hospitality, thank you!
© Copyright 2007 Job of the Week Network, LLC

“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.”
— Lester Scruggs

–^———————————————————————————————-

Buy Tibet.  Why dalai around with “Free Tibet” when you can buy it? 
Interest-only, no-credit hassle free financing to buy your own country
in Asia.  And everything that goes along with that.  If you know what we
mean.www.buytibet.com
–^———————————————————————————————-

4 Comments to "JOTW 13-2007 Add 1"

  1. Anonymous's Gravatar Anonymous
    April 1, 2007 - 4:30 pm | Permalink

    Uh…what's the deal with the latest newsletter? Institute for Evasive Feces…?

  2. Anonymous's Gravatar Anonymous
    April 1, 2007 - 5:05 pm | Permalink

    Oh! heavens ! I get it now! I just took note of the date! You cheeky money you!

  3. Anonymous's Gravatar Anonymous
    April 1, 2007 - 5:06 pm | Permalink

    Cheeky MONKEY, I meant…

  4. Anonymous's Gravatar Anonymous
    April 6, 2007 - 6:49 pm | Permalink

    Another bang up job on your March 32 issue, Ned! Needless to say, I'm running behind this week….

Leave a Reply