“See, it's all scientific: Your JOTW Communicator's Horoscope for April 2007”
Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19)
Vulcanism stirs your emotions, and, you discover, your stomach. Olympus Mons, the largest known volcano in our solar system, is rumbling on Mars, with an almost imperceptible stimulation of your appetite and craving for food you never desired before. Unaware, you seek out cellulose gum, lecithin, Diacetyl, Polysorbate 60, and sodium stearoyl lactylate. This results in profound psychological and physiological changes in you. You hurt somebody in your diminished capacity and must be held accountable but your lawyer says there is precedent to get you a full acquittal.
Gratis the Community Relations Manager ((April 20 – May 20)
The explosion of a supernova more than 10 times more massive than our sun in 1054 in the horn of the constellation Taurus appeared to Chinese astrologers as a star the Chinese six times brighter than Venus and about as brilliant as the full moon. The remains of this star were later christened the Crab Nebula, a cloudy, glowing mass of gas and dust about 6000 light-years away from Earth. Previous work on thermal synchrotron instability (TSI) in the Crab Nebula has been extended, taking into account recent observational data, the expansion and past history of the Crab Nebula, and nonlinear effects. Two models are explored: (1) a two-dimensional expansion model in which the filaments of the Crab Nebula are formed by TSI in an expanding spherical shell with an average radial velocity; and (2) a three-dimensional expansion model in which the filaments are formed in an ejected cloud which expands isotropically and which has an arbitrary magnetic field orientation. Difficulty is found in forming filaments by TSI if the product of the ambient expanding volume and the ambient magnetic field of the plasma increases rapidly as a function of R(t). This will cause a momentary lapse in judgment by a member of the opposite sex who you find yourself lying next to in bed on the morning after, which presents some entirely new problems as well as opportunities.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21)
Observations at octagonal section of the ancient Native American earthworks near <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Newark, Ohio, indicate the mounds are precisely aligned for sighting the four moonrises and four moonsets that mark the limits of a complicated lunar cycle that extends every 18.6 years. As it turns out, the monthly cycle marking the northern-most track of the moon precisely is aligned with, um, your cycle. Ancient “Moundbuilders” predicted thousands of years ago that you would have a really CRAPPY day tomorrow.
Barnum the Publicist (June 21 – July 22)
A planet with 1.76 times the mass of Jupiter has been found to orbit the larger of two stars that form a binary system called Gamma Cephei, 45 light years from Earth. The smaller star orbits the larger one at about the distance from the Sun to Uranus. The conjunction of both stars and planetary object while aligned with the elliptical orbit of the Earth and our own sun provide emerging opportunities to promote your clients. Analysis indicates that a extrasolar planet's gravitational pull is causing the star to wobble slightly. What some would have thought of as negative events garner huge publicity for your clients and they reap benefits from racial slurs, wardrobe malfunctions, foul language and returns to rehab. You bill by the hour so bring it on.
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23 – Aug. 22)
The sun continuously emits charged particles (mostly protons and electrons), which are the byproducts of thermonuclear reactions occurring inside the sun. These charged particles travel away from the sun through space at speeds ranging from 300 to 1,000 km/sec.—about a million miles per hour. Traveling at this high speed, the solar particles can reach the Earth in two to three days, fast, but not as fast as news about the Anna Nicole Smith Baby Paternity Suit. These charged particles are collide with the Earth’s electromagnetic field and are constrained to the magnetic field lines much like beads on a wire. The accelerated particles will travel down the magnetic field lines of Earth and collide with the atoms and molecules of the upper atmosphere where the magnetic field lines reach down to surface of the Earth near the north and south magnetic poles. The collisions can excite the atmospheric atom or molecule or they can strip the atmospheric species of its own electron and create an ion. During April, one of these particles will impact your brain and cause distortion of your personal electromagnetic field, causing abrupt personality changes.
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
The polar axis will point toward the Big Dipper in the northwest, permitting the two-star alignment on Arcturus and Altair, coming within 1/2º of the Ring Nebula (overhead) and M4 in Scorpius (due South). This will result in an abundance of cerebrospinal fluid in the ventricular system of your brain. This will lead you to view bad things as not as bad as they really are. You will have lunch with your not-quite-yet ex-husband because you are lonely.
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Full moon causes dark behavior, so your doctor prescribes clozapine which quadruples production ofhistamine H1 receptor-linked activation of hypothalamic AMP-kinase in your brain, causing you to eat more and gain weight, which causes an overload situation and static brake failure in your elevator at work, causing the elevator to plunge to the bottom, as you and the other passengers suffer fractured vertebrae and ribs in addition to head lacerations and contusions. As the rescue workers attempt to extract you and the other survivors from the rubble in the basement the salad you had purchased to bring back and eat at your desk spills open, causing you to trip on raspberry vinaigrette and fracture the remaining pelvic bones that had not already broken.
Porous the Civil Servant Office manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)
Venus will appear particularly bright during twilight, caused by reflective carbon dioxide gas mixed with argon in the Venetian atmosphere absorbing near-infrared radiation. This will result in an application of a high-voltage electrical charge that causes the welding of objects together, including a commingling of your front right bumper of your personal vehicle which somehow comes in contact with a car already parked in a spot next to the one you wanted to get into.
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A stream of charged particles (i.e., a plasma) that was ejected from the upper atmosphere of our sun, known as the solar wind, effects the Earth's magnetic field which in turn resulted in a pressure differential below the lithosphere where the asthenosphere, while solid, developed relatively low viscosity and shear strength and began flow like a liquid on geological time scales. The deeper mantle below the asthenosphere is more rigid again. This is, however, due not to cooler temperatures but to high pressure. You act on deep-seed resentment towards the people in accounts payable who ignore your invoices that clearly state when the bill is overdue.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
A comet with a hyperbolic orbit will make its nearest approach to Earth, closing to a mere 10 million miles as it passes over the planet's Northern Hemisphere. Once it leaves the solar system, this comet will never return as it will go into interstellar space. and in dark sky areas it's tail may be seen to cover about 20 degrees on the sky (40 times the apparent diameter of the full moon) corresponding to well over 3 million miles. The tail grows as the sun heats and sublimates (changes directly from solid to gas) the material on the icy surface of the comet nucleus, sending jets of gas and dust into space. The material is swept back by the solar wind, so comet tails usually point away from the sun rather than simply trailing along behind in the comets' orbit. The comet will cause motorists traveling to work from rural areas to be distracted and attempt to visually calculate the point where the comet penetrates the orbital plane. So you decide to work from home, which allows you to watch Court TV all day.
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18)
A rare alignment of Jupiter's largest moons, Io, Ganymede, and Callisto, will present the opportunity you have been waiting for – the big break that you really do nothing to deserve. These moons are roughly the same size as Earth's Moon. Observing the moons' shadows on Jupiter is a rare occurrence — such an alignment happens once or twice every decade. These bodies orbit the planet at different rates, which limits their opportunities to cast shadows. Outermost Callisto, for example, orbits much slower than the other two satellites. Its shadow moves across Jupiter once for every 20 times Io crosses the planet. Normally, methane gas in the Jupiter's dense atmosphere limits the penetration of sunlight down to the planet's surface, but in your case methane will open the door to a bright new future at the top.
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Massive clouds of gas within the margins of the Milky Way galaxy are creating new stars by raining gas onto the plane of the galaxy. This presents an opportunity for you. But it is a fleeting one. These massive gas clouds, called high-velocity clouds, constitute a mechanism by which the galaxy is seeded with the stuff of stars and solved a long-standing question of galactic evolution. This influence means you will be creative at work and in love, perhaps in a way that evolves the species.