Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19:)
Beware of the new intern: he’s a pyromaniac who loves the smell of burning hair. Your career could hang in the balance.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />
Gratis the Community Relations Manager (April 20 – May 20):
Good news: you come up with a great, clever name for a community event sponsored by your company. Bad news: You “Google” the name to see if it’s already been used and get 1,599,345 hits.
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21):
Your boss asks you the difference between “principle” and “principal” and you hesitate, creating a moment of doubt in your supervisor’s eyes that is sure to carry right through to your next evaluation. Way to go, loser.
Barnum the Publicist (June 21 – July 22):
This month, you have a moment of reflection: You check your Rolodex and realize you are on a first-name basis with the administrator of every rehab clinic in the country.
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Congratulations—you run the 100th correction in your publication. Your publisher informs you that no editor has reached this milestone so quickly. She’s not smiling.
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22):
Responding to a reporter’s inquiry as to whether your company is looking to be acquired, you offhandedly say, “It’s not as if Warren Buffet is interested in us.” The reporter misunderstands, writes a front-page story that says Warren Buffet is about to acquire your company. Your company’s stock skyrockets. The SEC calls. A trial date is set. In your resignation letter, you note that you’re leaving “to spend more time with my family,” even though you’re single.
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23):
You yearn for a simpler time, when pirates ruled the seas, took what they wanted, gave no quarter, asked for none in return and lived by The Code. You have no idea what that means, but it still sounds pretty good compared to your current job.
Porous the Civil Servant Office Manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21):
For your anniversary at work, your co-workers get you the first two seasons of “The Office” on DVD. You hear snickering as you open the gift. Later, several of your co-workers call you “Michael,” even though that’s not your name.
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You have high ambitions: you want to work for the next president of the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />United States. Unfortunately, the only candidates who have shown any interest in you are Dennis Kucinich, Jim Gilmore and Lyndon LaRouche.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
One out, two men on. Here’s the pitch: swung on–Ramirez hits a sharp grounder to short, could be two; toss to second for one, back to first, double play. And the side is retired: no runs, two hits, a walk, one man left on base. At the end of six, it’s the Red Sox 3, Yankees 1. And now, a word from our sponsors…
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18):
While picking up your supervisor’s dry cleaning, you lose his favorite pair of pants. He sues you for $65 million. You wonder if you can still use him as a reference.
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20):
You land a brochure design contract with a health spa that insists that you run a tasteful photo of a semi-nude woman getting a massage treatment with hot stones placed on her back. When you protest that such a photo has become an overused cliché, they cancel the contract and tell you that you’ll never work in the industry again.