Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19)
It’s two minutes before air time, and your nose-hair clippers have gone missing. You know who took them, but you can’t prove it.
Gratis the Community Relations Manager (April 20 – May 20)
In a perfect world, there would be a reality show called “America’s Top Community Relations Manager” and you would be the winner and escape this hellhole of a job and write theme songs for the Disney Channel like you’ve always wanted to do.
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 20)
A wise person once said, “Spell check will not help you with “there,” “their” and “they’re.”
Barnum the Publicist (June 21 – July 22)
Your client asks you what she can do to make herself more visible, and the only response you can come up with is “get drunk, don’t wear panties and go into rehab. I’ll take it from there.”
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Just as you suspected, one of your reporters has a reference book titled “How to Be a Really Good Writer of Passive Voice.”
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
A year ago, you told your CEO that changing the name of the company to “The Great American Subprime Mortgage Lending Corporation” was a bad idea, but did he listen? Nooooooooooo…
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Your largest client sends a certified letter asking that you no longer bill him for 15-minute “bathroom breaks.”
Porous the Civil Servant Office manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)
Just because you tell your staff that they can’t hang around the time clock an hour before quitting time makes you the company ogre.
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your theory that drinking seven consecutive Starbucks venti Frappucinos will make you a more creative thinker turns out to be seriously unfounded.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You get an email from a senior vice president demanding to know why you won’t run the photo of him and the big fish he caught while on vacation. You explain that such photos don’t advance the company mission. The next morning, you wake up and find a dead grouper in your bed.
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18)
The good news: you get to write a press release with your own byline. The bad news: it’s about a comparative study of toilet paper absorbency.
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20)
It’s never a good sign when a prospective client looks at your portfolio and bursts into uncontrollable laughter.