JOTW 13-2008 Add 1


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Office/House Cleaning for Communications Professionals

After a two year stint as a junior PR writer for a nationally recognized

PR firm in New York City, I found out that the money was better cleaning

than writing. So, I formed a company called PR-cleaners.com. My

trained team will come into your home or office and organize your

workspace. We will take your piles of accumulated junk and organize

them by straightening the edges. We also offer a “buff-in-the-buff”

service. You will be assigned a confidential client number, we are

currently on Client #10. There is an extra fee for this service, plus

travel, lodging and other expenses. Politicians are our specialty.

For more information, contact – amanda@pr-cleaners.com.

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JOTW 13-2008 Add 1

March 32, 2008

“You insects are a nuisance!”

– Gopher

“ I'm no insect.”

– Gumby

Welcome to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for

professional communicators. JOTW is a cooperative service that relies

on the contributions of its members, like you. We share job

opportunities, news and information about the job market, as well as

swapping stories about life's peculiarities.

First of all, it doesn't cost you a cent. How does it work? If you find

out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me

(lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network. It's

that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Did I

mention it was free? Your friends can sign up by sending a blank e-mail

to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com. It's free for them, too.

I never give out, rent, or sell my list, and neither does Topica.

In this thrilling issue:

*** One Paragraph Pitch

1.) Broadcast News Electronic News Gathering Photo-Journalist Producer Videographer, TV90, Northern, Maine’s News-Master, Allagash/Houlton/Presque isle/Fort Kent/Peletier’s Store, Maine

2.) Contact Station manager/HR Director/Receptionist/Web Producer. WWXG The Big Mighty Boss Rock 97/XG1460 Walk the Talk News/Traffic/Weather/School Closings/Gordito Diablo Radio Mundo Mariachi 98.5/TV90 Fox-UPN-WB for Allagash, Maine

3.) POSITION YOU REALLY DON’T WANT, Anywhere, USA.

4.) EDITOR, ROGAINE’S THESAURUS, Norwalk, Conn.

5.) Communications Specialist, Campaign Against Smokers Using Cell Phones while Driving and Pregnant, Batavia, West Virginia

6.) COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, Cambridge, Mass.

7.) Union Membership Communications, International Brotherhood of Sock Puppets, Alexandria, VA

8.) BRAND MANAGER, THE EXIT SIGN CORP., Memphis, Tenn.

9.) Publicist, Celebrities You haven’t Hear About in a While, Tajunga Canyon, CA

10.) PERFECT NANNY, London, U.K

11.) COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, THE EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES INSTITUTE, Washington, D.C.

12.) EDITOR, THE TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE INSTITUTE, Columbus, Ohio

13.) Medical Technical Writer, Gumbometer Division, Baxter Medical Instruments, Squarehead, Pennsylvania

14,) Newsletter Editor and Art Director, International Society of Graphic Designers, Berne, Switzerland

15.) PUBLICIST, God, Washington, D.C.

16.) Chairmaker/Woodworker, Country Kitchen family Home Mortgage Co., Mamaroneck, NY

17.) Siren, Competitive Business Unit, Major Corporation, Newark, DE

18.) Sockdolager, adjunct faculty, School of Doxology, School of Weighty Proportions, College of Saint Regina the Celibate, Ketone, North Dakota

19.) Blog Manager and Site Optimization, Council on trying to Decide What to do with all these Old People, Bethesda, MD

20.) Managing Editor, Altercation Magazine, Bronx, NY

21.) Communications Director, Miss Camel Contest, Abu Dhabi, UAE

22.) Communication Specialist, Master and Punishment Publications, Wet Whip, Colorado

23.) Press Conference Attendee, DHS, Washington, DC

…and more than you expected!

*** One Paragraph Pitch:

Former public official with 20 years of service seeks low-profile position. I recently left my last job to spend more time with my family. I can do just about anything: yard work; tax preparation; filing lawsuits against Wall Street investment banks, etc. I have a good personality and have had lots of on-camera experience. I need to get out of the house. Send inquiries to: Client Number Nine, Albany, N.Y.

*** Metrics for Morons – How to calculate the value of making excuses

Sure you need measurable objects. But who really checks that stuff.

Let IABC show you how to concoct research that will peel their epidermis off without giving you a sore thumb.

You'll learn:

– How big numbers mean big results, no matter how you came up with them

– Bench pressing the benchmarking – Start low so you can go slow

– On line research means you can pretend to analyze the results while you watch YouTube

– How to create fake quantitative data to validate your fake quantitative results

– Make the most of a bogus business plan

Presenter: Leika Scaldonioak

Date: Thursday, April 15

Location: Tivoli back room behind the kitchen

Time: Cocktails (You need a ticket)

6:30-7:00 p.m.; presentation 7:00-8:30 p.m. National Bohemian Chugging

contest 9 p.m.

Cost: $359 for members; $879 for non-members

Registration Deadline: Monday, April 12

1.) Broadcast News Electronic News Gathering Photo-Journalist Producer Videographer, TV90, Northern, Maine’s News-Master, Allagash/Houlton/Presque isle/Fort Kent/Peletier’s Store, Maine

Major market TV station needs morning talk show host/noon anchor/bureau chief to assign stories, report and capture stories on camera to edit and present in newscasts. Must be able to perform own white balance and conduct live stand ups near scene of events of marginal news value hours or even days after the actual event occurred, and impart sense of “Live Action Cam Breaking News Story” urgency, while making cheerful banter with the crew back at the news desk. Must make personal appearances at openings of strip malls on weekends.

2.) Contact Station manager/HR Director/Receptionist/Web Producer. WWXG The Big Mighty Boss Rock 97/XG1460 Walk the Talk News/Traffic/Weather/School Closings/Gordito Diablo Radio Mundo Mariachi 98.5/TV90 Fox-UPN-WB for Allagash, Maine

http://www.GorditoDiablo.biz/careers

3.) POSITION YOU REALLY DON’T WANT, Anywhere, USA.

Major corporation has opening for a Position You Really Don’t Want. Duties consist of things you really don’t want to do, places you really don’t want to go and people you really don’t want to meet. Pay could be better, benefits could be richer. But hey, it’s a job, right? Resume and cover letter stating why you don’t really want this job to: Your Life, P.O. Box 123, Anywhere USA 12345.

4.) EDITOR, ROGAINE’S THESAURUS, Norwalk, Conn.

Leading hair restoration company seeks editor to come up with new phrases for “baldness.” Ideal candidate is sharp, resourceful and not just an employee—but also a client. Resume to: combover@McNeillPPC.com.

5.) Communications Specialist, Campaign Against Smokers Using Cell Phones while Driving and Pregnant, Batavia, West Virginia

https://jobs.bellyflop.com/pregopuff/ringtone

6.) COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, Cambridge, Mass.

The Center for Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior seeks Communications

Director. Ideal candidate must be able to count by sixes. Attention to

detail a plus (Did you lock the door? I'm pretty sure you didn't. You

should check. Go ahead, I'll wait…You did? Good…Are you SURE you

locked the door? I'm pretty sure you didn't. You should check. Go ahead,

I'll wait…You did? Good.) Submit 46 copies of resume and cover letter

to: COCB, 2556 Fenway Overlook, Cambridge, Mass. 02222 or email

COCBCOCBCOCBCOCB@COCB.org.org.org.

7.) Union Membership Communications, International Brotherhood of Sock Puppets, Alexandria, VA

www.wigglefinger.org/jobs.pr

8.) BRAND MANAGER, THE EXIT SIGN CORP., Memphis, Tenn.

The Exit Sign Corp., the nation's largest manufacturer of exit signs,

seeks brand manager as we launch our new line of signs. We seek creative

self-starter who can develop effective strategies for new signs,

including “Don't Go There, Girlfriend” (summer 2008), “Oh, No You

Didn't” (fall 2008) and “Beer Drinker Crossing” (St. Patrick's Day

2009). No marketing experience necessary; liberal arts major preferred.

Salary commensurate with lack of experience. Resume/cover

letter/attitude to ExitsRUs@ExitSignCorp.org.

9.) Publicist, Celebrities You haven’t Hear About in a While, Tajunga Canyon, CA

Ever wonder what washed up PR flunkie who gets those washed loser ex-celebs on Dancing With the Stars? Well, that would be you.

Send your resume and photo to creepy@redux.com

10.) PERFECT NANNY, London, U.K.

If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition. Rosie

cheeks, no warts; play games, all sorts. You must be kind, you must be

witty; very sweet and fairly pretty. Take us on outings, give us treats;

sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel, never feed us castor

oil, or gruel. Love us as a son and daughter; and never smell of barley

water. If you won't scold and dominate us, we will never give you cause

to hate us. We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see; put toads in

your bed and pepper in your tea. Hurry nanny, many thanks. Sincerely,

Jane and Michael Banks, Number Seventeen Cherry Tree Lane, London U.K.

10D MI6. (Sorry, no Advertising Majors.)

11.) COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, THE EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES INSTITUTE, Washington, D.C.

Washington think tank seeks Communications Specialist to maintain busy

office for ex-presidential candidates. Ideal candidate knows the basic

differences between Republicans and Democrats; must have good listening

skills; must be able to maintain eye contact and nod for extended

periods while Ron Paul tells you about his Platform for America; must be

able to humor Dennis Kucinich. Previous baby-sitting skills helpful.

Resume and essay to EPCI, 100 Harold Stassen Drive NW, The Perot

Building, Al Gore Suite 500, Washington, DC 20006. No phone calls during

dinner time, please.

12.) EDITOR, THE TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE INSTITUTE, Columbus, Ohio

The Ultimate Tuna Noodle Casserole Cookbook, a new publication of the

Tuna Noodle Casserole Institute, seeks an editor to see book through

editing process. The ideal candidate possesses an intimate knowledge of

tuna noodle casserole, having grown up eating it twice weekly while

living in a Big 10 state

(Ohio/Michigan/Indiana/Illinois/Wisconsin/Minnesota/Iowa; Penn State

doesn't count). A flair for creativity required, particularly in how one

sprinkles potato chips or Cheez-Its on top of casserole before popping

it into oven at 350 degrees for 40 minutes or until golden brown on

edges. Knowledge of pasta, dairy products and tuna brands a plus; oven

mitts required. Resume and clips to: TNCI, 250 High Street, Columbus,

Ohio 45345. No grease stains, please.

13.) Medical Technical Writer, Gumbometer Division, Baxter Medical Instruments, Squarehead, Pennsylvania

Update and write software documentation for a legacy modernization company using FrameMaker, Acrobat, and WebWorks Publisher. Work closely with developers, QA staff, and product managers across the globe to develop task-based user guides and references for technical audiences. Produced user documentation in print, PDF, and HTML help format. Developed on-line company-wide communication standards. Gumbometer is state-of-the-art thermal monitoring and regulation device that enables claymation characters to enjoy normal lives.

http://www.stc-penna.org/gumby-pokey-toyland-cookies-milk-mother-kitchenindex.php?page=%20of%20Beth%20Keena&PHPSESSID=539648e603f8f5d8446da9fd801a1bdd

14,) Newsletter Editor and Art Director, International Society of Graphic Designers, Berne, Switzerland

Must use bulk press releases, stock photos and clip art.

Send sample to jobs@graphixxx.biz

15.) PUBLICIST, God, Washington, D.C.

God—that’s right, God—the Almighty; The One; Leader of the Mystery of Faith, etc.—seeks publicist for busy Washington, D.C. office to coordinate outreach/legislative and regulatory efforts to Members of Congress, The Supreme Court, The White House and the media. Ideal candidate possesses excellent communication skills, an aura of confidence, charisma and a good working knowledge of faith. Direct mail experience preferred. GREAT BENEFITS. Send resume in form of prayer to: God, Everywhere (don’t worry, we’ll get it).

16.) Chairmaker/Woodworker, Country Kitchen family Home Mortgage Co., Mamaroneck, NY

We need you to make our board members and chairmen look solid and transparent at the same time. Must send stool sample to jobs@subprime.com.

17.) Siren, Competitive Business Unit, Major Corporation, Newark, DE

Are you a dangerously fascinating temptress whose sweet singing lured can unwary sailors up on to rocks?

We need you to help us lure business moguls into shoal water such that our investment bankers can short their stock.

This really works. If you work it.

www.entrance.com/jobs/siren/dirtytricks

18.) Sockdolager, adjunct faculty, School of Doxology, School of Weighty Proportions, College of Saint Regina the Celibate, Ketone, North Dakota

http://www.careervocations.regina.edu

19.) Blog Manager and Site Optimization, Council on trying to Decide What to do with all these Old People, Bethesda, MD

Thanks to a generous grant from the national Institute of Really Old People, CTDWTDWATROP seeks blog/web guru to help transmit themed newsletter, “This is Old News,” to key stakeholders.

Contact: newtricks@olddogs.com

20.) Managing Editor, Altercation Magazine, Bronx, NY

You gonna apply for this job or what? Hey, jerk, I’m talking to you.

https://www.buddabing-editor.smack.com

21.) Communications Director, Miss Camel Contest, Abu Dhabi, UAE

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080330/od_afp/uaegulffestivalcameloffbeat_080330135416

22.) Communication Specialist, Master and Punishment Publications, Wet Whip, Colorado

We start with the glare, then the stare, and if the subject persists, we shake our head in disapproval. This is the way of Master. You will obey, or you will pay. You must request permission to to stand, sit, eat, use furniture etc. Anytime the communications specialists is away from the VP of communications for more than two hours the communication specialist must kneel before the VP upon return. It's a tool that allows for both to put aside all those distractions of the outside world. As requested, you will submit to body art (tattoos, piercining) of the VP's choosing. Submit your resume, and why you would be worthy to join our employment. What it worthy? What does it take to be worthy? How can we be the best we can be? How can you, as a flawed human being, do everything in your power to serve your Master, I mean the VP, and serve with integrity and honor?

Master and Punishment is a Certified Disadvantaged minority, veteran, Woman-Owned Business.

Send to: VP@wetwhip publishing.com

23.) Press Conference Attendee, DHS, Washington, DC

https://usajobs.gov.7685.dhs/comms

*** Weekly Piracy Report:

Somebody stole this week’s report.

*** I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

*** Ball cap of the week: What are you looking at?

*** Coffee Mug of the Day: Sushi Mania

*** T-Shirt of the day: Chicks Dig Pink

*** Today's featured musical accompaniment: Sinead O’Connor and Billy Idol sing the Osmond’s

*** The new, recommended, optional, suggested JOTW policy that asks people who submit listings on behalf of their employer consider maybe possibly sending a company stock, options, or large sums of cash to JOTW, maybe, perhaps.

How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network. It's that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Did I mention it was free?

Your cooperation is requested. Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com.

Feel free to share this newsletter. Feel free to forward opportunities. Do not copy words that I wrote and use them as your own. I throw these words in here just to see if someone is stupid enough to copy these words entirely from my newsletter without changing them.

To subscribe, or to add a new e-mail address for your subscription, send

a blank e-mail to:

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To unsubscribe: JOTW-unsubscribe@topica.com.

To change your address, do both. I can't do it for you.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit:

http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or www.nedsjotw.com.

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC

7813 Richfield Road

Springfield, VA 22153

U.S.A.

+1 703 455-7661

lundquist989@cs.com

www.nedsjotw.com

The JOTW Network – A world in communication

For your hospitality, thank you!

© Copyright 2008 The Job of the Week Network, LLC

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