Ned: Mike, you arrived? Great. Does it make a lot of sense to stay in New Jersey if you are attending the conference?
Mike: Ned, it makes absolutely no sense at all. In fact, there is a name for this kind of arrangement–it's called “Sorohan Planning.”
Ned: What' it like working at the Dine-Around Table?
Mike: it's like playing God. Or the Soup Nazi. Sometimes it feels like being Dick Cheney, because I get to strike fear in the hearts of attendees. I tell them, “If you don't sign up now, the Democrats will destroy America.”
Mike: No. But the restaurant they want might not be available. Dine-Around is not for the timid. It's cutthroat.
Ned: Did you save the best restaurant for me?
Mike: Of course! Nobody has signed up yet for Mama Leone' on West 48th Street!
Ned: Mike, I Googled Mama Leone's. It's been closed for more than 10 years.
Mike: Well, that would explain why I'm still waiting for the calzone I ordered for delivery in 2003.
Ned: Where do you recommend I go for the Dine-Around?
Mike: Ned, as a de facto employee and representative of IABC I cannot imply an endorsement or recommendation of any one restaurant in New York. I can only offer a list of restaurants available on the sign-up list. If it were up to me, I'd get a bag of Cheez-Its and a Diet Mountain Dew at Duane Reed.
Ned: Erica must be thrilled to be married to you.
Mike: I'm not being cheap. I'm being “frugal.”
Ned: What do people say to you when they encounter you at the Dine-Around table?
Mike: I made a list:
“Who dresses you–Pee Wee Herman?”
“Are you going to amswer my question or are you just going to stare at my chest?”
“Do you know Ned Lundquist?”
“Thanks, but I really don't want to go to McDonalds.”
“Why is there a tip jar?”
“I asked you where the nearest Sephora was and you sent me to the South Bronx!”
“No, I will NOT pull your finger.”