JOTW 13-2013 Add 1 for March 32, 2013


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Men…Pick a Princeton Princess!

 

The new on-line match service to make sure Princeton women get the man they deserve!  No one else is worthy, so why look anywhere else?

http://foxnewsinsider.com/2013/03/30/susan-patton-moms-unusual-dating-advice-to-princeton-university-women-urging-them-to-marry-intelligent-men-before-its-too-late/

 

http://www.datingadvice.com/singles?city=Princeton&state=NJ&SUBID=sbE4hIT42&gclid=COOW1NCZqLYCFY6e4Aod8E4Asw

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JOTW 13-2013 Add 1

March 32, 2013

 

“Of all lovely days, this was the loveliest, with narcissi and crocus reflecting the blazing rays of the golden orb, and the faintly ill queasiness of the pear blossoms causing mild distress not to overshadow the thorns of the cotoneaster, their fermented red and orange berries now stripped by birds who stayed just long enough to feel lustful inebriation under bending boughs, and the rotting logs and leaf mold bearing forth millipedes that emerge to feel the glorious radiant warmth of spring, and  bright blue, pink and yellow primroses in primary colors to awaken the herb garden, bursting forth with long purple stalks of lavender and woody bushes of rosemary, and lest the Lenten lilies should fail to hold forth to the solemn congregation, like chants, the tendrils of the honeysuckle suspending the richly scented blossoms, which hung heavily in the soft morning air, such that she melted small and wonderful in his arms, she became infinitely desirable to him, all his blood-vessels seemed to scald with intense yet tender desire, for her, for her softness, for the penetrating beauty of her in his arms, passing into his blood.  Ohhhh babyyyyy.”

– D. H. Lawrence

 

Welcome to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for
professional communicators.  JOTW is a cooperative network of freeloaders and deadbeats that rely on Ned to do everything.  Like you.

 

We know of no job opportunity newsletter produced by any other publisher which costs so much to produce and distribute. Our exclusive Beechwood Aging produces a taste, a smoothness, and a drinkability you will find in no other newsletter at any price. Created by our original all natural process using the choicest Hops, Rice and Best Barley Malt.

 

To subscribe to this newsletter and become a member of this network, visit this site: http://bit.ly/JOTWSubscribe.

 

***  Back issues of the JOTW March 32nd issue can be found here:

http://www.nedsjotw.com/category/infamous-march-32nd-issue/

 

***  To post a job, just send the position, organization and location with a link or contact info for follow-up or replying to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.  Posting a job is free.    The newsletter is then posted at www.nedsjotw.com.  Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free.  Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free.  If you expect to send more than three jobs, or post them more than once, then how about a little consideration?  Sheesh.

 

***  In this issue:

 

(To view these jobs, scroll down to the listings in the content of this newsletter)

 

***  One Paragraph Pitch

***  Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:

*** JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz

 

1.)  WRITER, Facebook, Seattle, Wash.

2.)  AWKWARD PERSON, MAJOR TRADE ASSOCIATION, Arlington, Va. (TEMPORARY)

3.)  SIGNATURE PHRASE CREATOR, ESPN, Bristol, Conn.

4.)  CONDESCENDING WONKA, Twitter (flexible work location)

5.)  Director, Hr Corporate Communications, Buttoxica, Mason Jar Falls, OH

6.)  Corporate Outreach and Community Engagement, Narcissist International Coalition of Egomaniacs (NICE), Insulin, New Jersey

7.)  NEW YORK JETS FANS, National Football League Draft Day, NFL Network, New York

8.)  JOB OPENING: The job that Doctors/Car Dealers/The Obama

Administration/Pharmacists/The IRS/Wall Street/Big Banks/Little Banks/Credit Unions/Fast-Food Restaurants/Karl Rove/Wal-Mart/Major Retailers DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT, Anywhere, U.S.A.

9.)  Director of Instructional Programming and Outreach, Bureau of Organized Shoplifting Technology (Boost), Portland, Maine

10.)  MARKETING COORDINATOR, It Is What It Is Inc., Stockton, Calif.

 

11.)  STAFF ASSISTANT, President of the United States, Washington, D.C.

STAFF ASSISTANT, First Lady of the United States, Washington, D.C.

STAFF ASSISTANT, Supreme Court of the United States, Washington, D.C.

MAGICIAN, U.S. Government, Washington, D.C.

12.)  Dir. Comms, Brevity Institute, Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Mass.

13.)  Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, Federal Escort Control Commission, Washington, DC (With frequent travel to Las Vegas, NV)

14.)  MARCOM, Tofu-gemite, Alice Springs, Australia

15.)  STUNT TRIPLE, Castle Rock Studios, Los Angeles

16.)  PASSEPARTOUT, Ned Lundquist Inc., Ballston, Va.

17.)  ENFORCER, American Knitting Society, Philadelphia

18.)  STAFF METEOROLOGIST, The Weather Channel, Atlanta

19.)  FACT-CHECKER, Rep. Michele Bachmann, Washington, D.C.

20.)  Marketing Communications, Shinola-Sheen (TM) Shampoo and Conditioner, Anal Essence Products, Proctors Well, California

 

21.)  Human Resources Communication Specialist, Joan Rivers National Plastic Surgery Excess Tissue Reutilization Institute, West Hollywood, CA

22.)  Event Organizer and Promotions, Annual Perp-Off, Marshmallow Perps, Re-Born, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,

23.)  Technical Writer/Editor (1035-GS 9), Charmin National XXX-Ray Proctoscope, NASA Whipple Waste Flight Center, Devil’s Compostpile, California

24.)  Publicist, Norse Sagas, Nye-Sukkertoppen, Sukkertoppen, Qeqqata, Greenland

25.)  Community Outreach Coordinator, Major League Sports “Tats for Brats” Youth Development Program, Cherry Hill, NJ

26.)  MARKETING DIRECTOR, The Six-Star Company, New York, NY

27.)  MARKETING DIRECTOR, The Seven-Star Corp., Newark, N.J.

28.)  MARKETING STRATEGIST, the Eight-Star Institute, Baltimore, MD

29.)  SENIOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES COMMUNICATIONS ADVISOR, BUREAU FOR GLOBAL HEALTH, INFECTIOUS DISEASES AND NUTRITION OFFICE, INFECTIOUS DISEASE DIVISION (GH/HIDN/ID), UNITED STATES AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (USAID/GH/HIDN/ID), IAP WORLD SERVICES INC. (IAPWS),/CAMRIS INTERNATIONAL INC., Washington D.C. Metro Area.

30.)  SENIOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES COMMUNICATIONS ADVISOR, BUREAU FOR GLOBAL HEALTH, INFECTIOUS DISEASES AND NUTRITION OFFICE, INFECTIOUS DISEASE DIVISION (GH/HIDN/ID), Carnival Cruise Lines, Miami, FL

 

31.)  Event manager, “Franks-giving” Turkey Hot Dog Holiday Council, Lincoln, Nebraska

32.)  CREATIVE THREAT COORDINATOR, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Pyongyang, North Korea

33.)  DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILER ALERT SPECIALIST, Offices Everywhere

34.)  MINDER, Lindsey Lohan Inc., Lost Angeles

35.)  DIRECTOR OF CHEATING, Atlanta Public Schools, Atlanta, Ga.

36.)  BRAND MANAGER, The Applewood-Smoked® Bacon® Institute, Cincinnati, Ohio

37.)  Outreach and marketing specialists, Pennsylvania Plainish Country Tourist Bureau, Frackville, PA

 

***  Weekly Piracy Report

 

***  ONE PARAGRAPH PITCH

 

Former head of major world church seeks freelance writing gigs. For the past eight years I was responsible for policies and procedures, as well as serving as public face, of the Roman Catholic Church. I have excellent communication skills (tend to mumble a bit) and speak eight languages, including Latin (Tam diu minime visu!). Willing to relocate. Contact J. Ratzinger, benedict16@expope.com.

 

***  Help:

 

My daughter just graduated with a masters in communication studies.  Do you think you could write her résumé for her?

S.W.

 

***  Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:

 

Pontoof,

 

I dated my professor so I could get a choice internship, then did it with my internship director so I could get a job, then had an affair with my boss so I could get promoted then sold some insider information to the competition in exchange for a large sum of cash.  But recently, I have this new boyfriend who is attorney for the government, and he listens to country music on the radio.  Should I dump him?

 

Stupefied

 

Pontoof:  Be true to your values.

 

*** JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz for March 32, 2013:

 

Q. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes takes on which important social topic? (Answer below).

 

***  Moon over this:

 

Ned,

 

I have a question that has really been perplexing me.  There’s this Pringles commercial where these two guys cause the moon to explode, immediately showering them with soft chucks of cheddar cheese.  I can’t buy it.  If the moon exploded, wouldn’t it take a couple of minutes before the cheese landed on Earth?  The astronauts took about a week to get there, so how could cheese travel that far instantaneously?  Wouldn’t a massive ejection of cheese chunks hit earth with much force?  These guys look like the cheeseeroids were Nerf balls.  I would think the cheese would be molten upon landing—that is if it didn’t all burn up in the atmosphere.  Those flaming globules would undoubtedly cause fire storms to engulf larges areas of the Earth.  And it is still light in this commercial.  Wouldn’t it be dark after the moon disappeared?

 

Ned:  You are supposed to suspend disbelief.  We all know the moon is made of green cheese.

 

***  Special offer:

 

Electronics Co.,Ltd here.  We specialize in electronic devices field with full experience and we have 100 % confidence in our technology and quality.  Now our hot seller is bluetooth keyboard .  Bluetooth keyboard is very morden product which can work with tablet PC which has bluetooth fuction . Various types are available , It can offer you fast taping when you use the PC . Make your life more enjoyable and convenient.  If any interest, feel free to contact me.

Best regards,

Cherry

 

***  Well, I guess we might as well get to these jobs:

 

1.)  WRITER, Facebook, Seattle, Wash.

 

The world’s largest social media site seeks skilled communicators who can write unbelievably “true” stories that FB users will share until they go viral. For example:

“Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, “Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?”

The mom answered, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or stupid?”

I replied, “I’m not blind or stupid. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

Or, maybe you wish you could come up with other gems, such as the “Microsoft Tech Support Guy Who Tells Customer He’s ‘Too Stupid to Own a Computer,’” or “Bill Gates is Giving $5,000 to Everyone on Facebook,” or “Bride-to-Be Sends Over-The-Top List of Demands to Bridesmaids.”

If you have the ability to write a great story—one that will make FB readers laugh, feel inspired, be amazed and most importantly, forward to all of their friends with a “You aren’t going to believe THIS!” subject line—then drop us a tale at viralstories@facebook.com. Standard rates apply.

 

2.)  AWKWARD PERSON, MAJOR TRADE ASSOCIATION, Arlington, Va. (TEMPORARY)

 

Major trade association in the Washington, D.C. area with a strong conformist ethos seeks an Awkward Person for short-term assignment. Ideal candidate will possess a nervous tic, social inefficiencies and/or other undesirable qualities to serve as a focal point of gossip/grapevine an as an example to other staff. Competitive pay and benefits; bonus paid for lasting longer than 90 days. Resume, curriculum vitae and cover letter explaining why you are the wrong person for the job to: P.O. Box 39976, Arlington, VA 22022.

 

3.)  SIGNATURE PHRASE CREATOR, ESPN, Bristol, Conn.

 

ESPN—the “Worldwide Leader in Sports”—seeks a phrase-writer who is cooler than the other side of the pillow. With more than 20 anchors and dozens of on-air personalities, we have an acute need for wordmeisters who can turn a phrase, coin a cliché and create sports-lingo history! Do you wanna play with fire, scarecrow? Send us a phrase that makes us say, “He shoots—HE SCORES!” Resume & clips to booyah!@espn.spo.

 

4.)  CONDESCENDING WONKA, Twitter (flexible work location)

 

So, you’re a top-notch communicator? Wow…you must be a senior vice president by now. Oh, you’re not? Well, you must be very special if you think you can do this job. You are special? Well…isn’t that…special. Perhaps you, too, can join the 300,000 special people on Twitter who call themselves a Condescending Wonka. Contact Bruce@CondescendingWonkaInc.com/twitter.

 

5.)  Director, Hr Corporate Communications, Buttoxica, Mason Jar Falls, OH

http://jobview.funkycoldmedina.com/getjob.aspx?JobID=111767798

 

6.)  Corporate Outreach and Community Engagement, Narcissist International Coalition of Egomaniacs (NICE), Insulin, New Jersey

 

Are you smarter than Steve Jobs? Cooler than Ice Cold? More likeable than Gary Busey?  A better driver than Lindsay Lohan?  Then you might be the arrogant person we’re looking for to manage Corporate Outreach and Community Engagement  for the Narcissistic Institute for Conceited Egomaniacs (NICE).  The world will just have to wake up to the fact that your poop not only doesn’t smell bad, it smells damn good.

 

Please complete this questionnaire and send to Careers@NICE.org.

 

1.  When you hurt others, do you really care?

2.  When you do something wrong, how can you explain it as somebody else’s fault?

3.  If someone else is getting some credit for doing something well, how can you turn the attention to the fact that you’ve done all that better, much better?

 

As part of the interview process you will be evaluated on how many names of people who are really important you can say you know (extra points by saying you had dinner with them or had an affair with their wife).  You will be expected to describe your family as better than anyone else’s (extra points for describing your most perfect vacations and the fact that your family fleet of Mercedes were all heavily discounted because you know the dealer). You will be presented with some innocuous comments and situations and expected to imagine them to be serious insults and respond accordingly.

 

Your responsibilities will include managing Prima Donna Inwardly-focused Spoiled Self-Centered Youth (PRISSY), the NICE young-narcissists program.

 

Send your better-than-anyone else’s resume to Careers@NICE.org.

 

7.)  NEW YORK JETS FANS, National Football League Draft Day, NFL Network, New York

 

OPEN CALL for New York Jets fans to be in the audience for the annual NFL Player Selection Meeting, also known as the NFL Draft, on Apr. 24 at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Candidates must be able to demonstrate a lifelong commitment to the team; a trivia test will be administered (sample question: “On average, how much fluids were drained from Joe Namath’s knee prior to each game?”). Preference will be given to Jets’ season-ticket holders and individuals who have a combination of exceptional face-making abilities and a passionate, booming voice (e.g., “WHAT? KYLE BRADY? ARE YOU #%@^*#$ KIDDING ME? KYLE @%^$&# BRADY?”) Apply to: WTF@J-E-T-S.nfl.tv.com.

 

8.)  JOB OPENING: The job that Doctors/Car Dealers/The Obama

Administration/Pharmacists/The IRS/Wall Street/Big Banks/Little Banks/Credit Unions/Fast-Food Restaurants/Karl Rove/Wal-Mart/Major Retailers DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT, Anywhere, U.S.A.

 

This job is so good, language professors/farmers/dentists/pizza makers HATE US! Resume to: TooGoodToBeTrue@AmazingJob.com.

 

9.)  Director of Instructional Programming and Outreach, Bureau of Organized Shoplifting Technology (Boost), Portland, Maine

 

There’s more to shoplifting than stuffing a chuck steak down your pants.  Check out the latest technologies from BOOST, and join our team as the National Director of Instructional Programming and Outreach.  Since criminal behavior is learned in interaction with others persons by means of a process of communication, your job will create intimate personal groups to teach the appropriate motives, drives, rationalizations, and attitudes necessary to be a successful shoplifter.  You’ll be responsible for our website featuring tips for shoplifters of all levels of experience, as well as an interactive map of the best shoplifting locations and 360-degree store-cams of the best blind spots.  You’ll be in charge of our corporate social responsibility efforts, including our campaign to use green “Save the Planet” reusable shopping bags as a super way to boost your supermarket haul, all while you are protecting the environment.  You’ll also manage our database of the top “no questions asked” fences to offload hot loot.  Your marketing responsibilities include the latest membership promotion, offering people who sign up for new three-year members a free copy of “the 20 best excuses to explain how 36 packages of Sudafed ended up in your trench coat lining.”  BOOST technology features laser dazzlers to blind store dicks behind one-way mirrors and flash bang grenades to distract managers when you’re making your move wearing six leather jackets.  Don’t pay the membership fee if your idea of shoplifting is walking out of 7-11 with a Red Bull.  But if you’re serious, then the cost is worth it.  Hell, it’s a steal.

 

https://www.BOOSTshoplifting.org/careers/DIPO

 

10.)  MARKETING COORDINATOR, It Is What It Is Inc., Stockton, Calif.

 

It Is What It Is Inc., purveyor of the International Phrase of the Year for 2010, 2011 and 2012, seeks to keep that streak going through 2013 before it becomes so lame that people hate—BREAKING NEWS—we have officially changed our name to At The End Of The Day Inc., since we’ve just learned that “It is what it is” is now officially the Lamest Phrase of 2013. Join us as we try to put At The End Of The Day as the phrase that pays! Resume to ATEOTDI@ATEOTDI.com.

 

11.)  STAFF ASSISTANT, President of the United States, Washington, D.C.

STAFF ASSISTANT, First Lady of the United States, Washington, D.C.

STAFF ASSISTANT, Supreme Court of the United States, Washington, D.C.

MAGICIAN, U.S. Government, Washington, D.C.

Apply to POTUS-FLOTUS-SCOTUS-HOCUS-POCUS@jobs.gov.

 

12.)  Dir. Comms, Brevity Institute, Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Mass.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Chaubunagungamaug

 

13.)  Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, Federal Escort Control Commission, Washington, DC (With frequent travel to Las Vegas, NV)

 

Be a part of President Obama new initiative to make America economically secure and competitive with escorts and massage therapists from Asia and Eastern Europe.  The administration equates with economic strength with national security and seeks to diminish the ability of foreign sources of cheap, exploited labor to reduce America’s ability to complete in the global escort market.

This position will support the President’s broad-based interagency review of the U.S. escort control system with the goal of strengthening the competitiveness of key U.S. escort and exotic dancing sectors sectors by focusing on current threats and adapting to the changing economic and technological landscape.

Specifically, this position will be responsible for stakeholder engagement and community outreach to build support for existing professional escorts and dancers; provide incentives for creating new jobs.  You will also oversee the educational STEM (Stripping/Tipping/Ecdysiast/Massage) outreach program.

www.usaescortjobs.gov/careers/fedopportunities/45538&wtf

 

14.)  MARCOM, Tofu-gemite, Alice Springs, Australia

 

D’Day mate.  Help us promote the new Tofu-gemite companion product to the traditional favorite Vegemite.  You don’t have to like it.  Just help us sell it.  They’ll be someone who smears it on their crumpets.  Right.

http://www.vegemite.com.au/Pages/promotion-surfgroms.aspx

 

15.)  STUNT TRIPLE, Castle Rock Studios, Los Angeles

The less you know, the better. Really. Benefits include accidental dismemberment. stunts@colossalstudios.com.

 

16.)  PASSEPARTOUT, Ned Lundquist Inc., Ballston, Va.

 

Ned Lundquist, ABC, internationally known traveler, creator of Ned’s Job of the Week and man-about-world, seeks valet/lackey to provide logistics support, companionship and serve as safety valve. Frequent travel required. Ideal candidate possesses excellent organizational skills; can carry up to 180 pounds of luggage; and get boss out of tight jams. Must understand Sailor jargon.  Accredited Business Communicator/Eagle Scout preferred; CPR/martial arts skills desired. Resume to lundquist989@cs.com.

 

17.)  ENFORCER, American Knitting Society, Philadelphia

Knit; purl; cast on; jab; poke; stab. Resume, police record to: slipstitch@knitpickers.org.

 

18.)  STAFF METEOROLOGIST, The Weather Channel, Atlanta

No experience necessary. Resume to SkyIsFalling@twc.com.

 

19.)  FACT-CHECKER, Rep. Michele Bachmann, Washington, D.C.

No experience necessary. Send a version of your resume to staff@bachmann.house/gov.

 

20.)  Marketing Communications, Shinola-Sheen (TM) Shampoo and Conditioner, Anal Essence Products, Proctors Well, California

 

You like looking and smelling your best!  Right?  Of course.  Backwards and Forwards.  Join our company where we help people be their best from every direction.  After what seemed like forever, our new line of Anal Essence products are just emerging.  We need your help to let Anal Essence Shinola-Sheen (TM) Shampoo and Conditioner pop out with a splash.  With a fragrant exotic non-steroidal, chlorine-free patented “de prendre une merde” botanical blend of chamomile, aloe vera and passion flower extracts, Anal Essence Shinola-Sheen (TM) Shampoo and Conditioner and Turd Enhancer reveals natural shine and leaves your scat lustrous and luminous. After sudsing up and rinsing off, you’ll want to breathe it all in and start your day with a smile.

 

http://us.analessences.com/en-US/personal-products/smoothandshine/shine-shampoo-conditioner-enhancer&trk=rj_em&ut=2LHZ6gEOH22lI1

 

21.)  Human Resources Communication Specialist, Joan Rivers National Plastic Surgery Excess Tissue Reutilization Institute, West Hollywood, CA

https://www.humanresourcesthatarereallyhuman.org/careers

 

22.)  Event Organizer and Promotions, Annual Perp-Off, Marshmallow Perps, Re-Born, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,

http://www.perpsandcompany.com/careers

 

23.)  Technical Writer/Editor (1035-GS 9), Charmin National XXX-Ray Proctoscope, NASA Whipple Waste Flight Center, Devil’s Compostpile, California

https://www.usajobs.gov/GetJob/ViewDetails/340458300

 

24.)  Publicist, Norse Sagas, Nye-Sukkertoppen, Sukkertoppen, Qeqqata, Greenland

 

Á ofanverðum dögum Ketils hófst ríki Haralds konungs hins hárfagra svo að engi fylkiskonungur þreifst í landinu né annað stórmenni nema hann réði einn nafnbótum þeirra. En er Ketill fréttir þetta, að Haraldur konungur hafði honum slíkan kost ætlað sem öðrum ríkismönnum, að hafa frændur sína óbætta en ger þó að leigumanni sjálfur, síðan stefnir hann þing við frændur sína og hóf svo mál sitt: “Kunnig hafa yður verið skipti vor Haralds konungs og þarf eigi þau að inna því að oss ber meiri nauðsyn til að ráða um vandkvæði þau er vér eigum fyrir höndum. Sannspurðan hefi eg fjandskap Haralds konungs til vor. Sýnist mér svo að vér munum eigi þaðan trausts bíða. Líst mér svo sem oss séu tveir kostir gervir, að flýja land eða vera drepnir hver í sínu rúmi. Er eg og þess fúsari að hafa slíkan dauðdaga sem frændur mínir en eigi vil eg yður leiða í svo mikið vandkvæði með einræði mínu því að mér er kunnigt skaplyndi frænda minna og vina, að þér viljið eigi við oss skiljast þótt mannraun sé í nokkur að fylgja mér.”

Björn son Ketils svarar: “Skjótt mun eg birta minn vilja. Eg vil gera að dæmum göfugra manna og flýja land þetta. Þykist eg ekki af því vaxa þótt eg bíði heiman þræla Haralds konungs og elti þeir oss af eignum vorum eða þiggja af þeim dauða með öllu.”

Að þessu var ger góður rómur og þótti þetta drengilega talað. Þetta ráð var bundið, að þeir mundu af landi fara því að synir Ketils fýstu þessa mjög en engi mælti í móti. Björn og Helgi vildu til Íslands fara því að þeir þóttust þaðan margt fýsilegt fregnt hafa, sögðu þar landskosti góða og þurfti ekki fé að kaupa. Kölluðu vera hvalrétt mikinn og laxveiðar en fiskastöð öllum misserum.

Ketill svarar: “Í þá veiðistöð kem eg aldregi á gamals aldri.”

Sagði Ketill þá sína ætlan, að hann var fúsari vestur um haf, kvaðst þar virðast gott. Voru honum þar víða lönd kunnig því að hann hafði þar víða herjað.

http://sagadb.org/laxdaela_saga

 

25.)  Community Outreach Coordinator, Major League Sports “Tats for Brats” Youth Development Program, Cherry Hill, NJ

 

Are you dedicated?  You are either dedicated or you’re not; there is no in between.  Dedication is essential for success in anything, but especially in basketball. The game is so competitive, if you aren’t dedicated, you won’t make it.

 

The top professional players have covered their bodies with tattoos that symbolize their dedication, covering up their applicable weaknesses, and out-tatting their opponents. That is dedication.  Today the young people of America look up to professional athletes, but may be confused about what ensemble of tattoos to get.  Tats-for-Brats help youngsters select and obtain the right skin art to show other kids who is tough…and who is dedicated.  Part of this job entails recruiting participants in “Tats for Brats.”  The other part is shaming the other kids who do not enroll as being total dork losers.  Kids without massive, intimidating tats just don’t fit in on the court, field, ice, or anywhere.  Conduct special classes for obtaining parental consent for underage minors; using nipples as eyes for full-frontal animal faces; obtaining corporate sponsors for product placement; changing tattoos to resemble something else after you break up with your girlfriend; and cool slogans like “Death before dishonor,” “Ink Not Mink,” or “Mors Certa, Hora Incerta.”

 

http://www.ihoops.com/training-room/player-psychology/How-Dedicated-Are-You-.htm

 

26.)  MARKETING DIRECTOR, The Six-Star Company, New York, NY

 

What’s better than a five-star general? A SIX-star general! What’s better than “five-star service?” SIX-STAR SERIVCE! The Six-Star Company is a branding organization dedicated to making Six-Star Service the new standard of excellence! We license and implement the Six-Star Service standard on a B2B basis. If you have what it takes to help us market this new standard of service excellence, send your resume to superstar@Six-StarCo.org. (Beware of imitations).

 

27.)  MARKETING DIRECTOR, The Seven-Star Corp., Newark, N.J.

 

Why settle for mere “six-star service” when you could have SEVEN-STAR SERVICE? The Seven-Star Corp. is a branding organization founded by former members of The Six-Star Company dedicated to establishing Seven-Star Service as the new industry standard for service excellence! Take pride when you tell a client that he has earned the right and the privilege to put SEVEN STARS on his company’s logo, storefront or marketing materials. If you have what it takes to provide Seven-Star service and have a passionate desire to help clients not settle for just six-star service, send your resume to: superduperstar@SevenStarCorp.org. (Beware of lesser imitators.)

 

28.)  MARKETING STRATEGIST, the Eight-Star Institute, Baltimore, MD

 

Have you ever walked into a business and been thoroughly disappointed to see that it’s earned only a mere six or seven stars for its service? Has it made you want to turn around and walk out? If your answers to those questions is a resounding “YES,” then we want you! The Eight-Star Institute, founded by former employees of The Six-Star Company and the Seven-Star Corporation, promotes the Eight-Star brand as the new standard for service excellence! If you have a passion for making Eight-Star Service the new “Good Housekeeping” symbol and are persuasive in helping clients understand the pitfalls of settling for six-star or seven-star service, kindly send your resume and cover letter to: octonaut@eightstarinstitute.org.

 

29.)  SENIOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES COMMUNICATIONS ADVISOR, BUREAU FOR GLOBAL HEALTH, INFECTIOUS DISEASES AND NUTRITION OFFICE, INFECTIOUS DISEASE DIVISION (GH/HIDN/ID), UNITED STATES AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (USAID/GH/HIDN/ID), IAP WORLD SERVICES INC. (IAPWS),/CAMRIS INTERNATIONAL INC., Washington D.C. Metro Area.

 

Actually, this is not a job opening; we are lost somewhere in a large office building in Washington and we can’t find our way out. If one of you could please mail a letter to us, it will get delivered eventually and then we can follow the mail guy out of here. Thanks!

 

30.)  SENIOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES COMMUNICATIONS ADVISOR, BUREAU FOR GLOBAL HEALTH, INFECTIOUS DISEASES AND NUTRITION OFFICE, INFECTIOUS DISEASE DIVISION (GH/HIDN/ID), Carnival Cruise Lines, Miami, FL

Immediate openings; more than 30 ships to choose from. Contamination suit provided. Resume to SwabTheDeck@carnival.fun.

 

31.)  Event manager, “Franks-giving” Turkey Hot Dog Holiday Council, Lincoln, Nebraska

https://www.turkeydogsforeverymeal.org/careers

 

32.)  CREATIVE THREAT COORDINATOR, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Pyongyang, North Korea

Dear Leader Version 3.0 has immediate opening for dynamic, results-oriented Threat Coordinator. Duties include serving as liaison between DPRK and Western media in conveying just exactly how North Korea will destroy South Korea, the United States and other countries at least six times over, using rubber bands, paper clips and Silly Putty. Ideal candidate will have barber school certificate and possess knowledge of Photoshop; loyalty oath required. Salary includes extra daily rice allowance. Resume to Mr. Dennis Rodman, H.R. Specialist, at Propogangnamstyle@DPRK.kor.

 

33.)  DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILER ALERT SPECIALIST, Offices Everywhere

Employers across the U.S. and U.K. are hiring Spoiler Alert Specialists to reveal key developments and plot twists of pretentious public broadcasting “period” show with smug, genteel cast and even smugger viewers, thereby putting an end to water cooler discussions and sending staff back to work already. Be the first to reveal who Mary had sex with at Matthew’s funeral; how Sarah O’Brien got arrested for building a meth lab in the galley; and why The Dowager has a “thing” for young French men (and women). Excellent benefits. Learn more at The411@Downton.org.

 

34.)  MINDER, Lindsey Lohan Inc., Lost Angeles

24-hour a day job; compensation includes bail money, generous rehab benefits, one day off every six months. Resume to YouDontMessWithTheLohan@meangirls.net.

 

35.)  DIRECTOR OF CHEATING, Atlanta Public Schools, Atlanta, Ga.

Nation’s fifth-largest public school system seeks bright, energetic Director of Cheating to lead efforts in inflating student test stores; maintaining bonus system tied to said test scores; and leading/directing campaign of intimidation against whistleblowers and media. Elected officials and staff of elected officials of both parties encouraged to apply. Apply at flimflam@aps.edu.

 

36.)  BRAND MANAGER, The Applewood-Smoked® Bacon® Institute, Cincinnati, Ohio

The organization that made millions of Americans forget there was ever such a thing as just “bacon” has opening for Brand Manager who will continue our global efforts to change “bacon” to “Applewood-Smoked® Bacon®. Job will entail licensing; promotion; marketing; media relations; legal intimidation; harassment; vandalism; thuggery; extortion; terroristic threats; and international war. Legal background preferred. Resume to mmmmmm@bacon.com.

 

37.)  Outreach and marketing specialists, Pennsylvania Plainish Country Tourist Bureau, Frackville, PA

 

Recently awarded grant is enabling Pennsylvania Plainish Country Tourist Bureau to conduct marketing to invite visitors to see and experience the plain people of Pennsylvania.  “Abandoned coal mines, slag mountains and tainted water supplies are an enticing attraction for people who have never experienced the plain folk of Pennsylvania.  See Plainish people where they are unemployed, and watch them as drive their quaint rusted out trucks to the convenience store for beer and cigarettes as they just get through the day until they can cash the next assistance check.  This position will also oversee the “Guide to Plainish People” online resource to help visitors actually see the Plainish people, who are usually wearing camouflage attire.

 

https://www.plainpa.state.pa/careers/visitors bureau

 

***  Back issues of the JOTW March 32nd issue can be found here:

http://www.nedsjotw.com/category/infamous-march-32nd-issue/

 

***  Weekly Piracy Report:

 

04.28.2013: 0530 UTC: Posn: 14:17.4N – 049:51.7E, Around 40nm SE of Cleveland, Ohio

 

Four buses with 47 persons in each bus approached a Long John Silver’s in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio after attending the Cleveland Flower Show, entering the premises through all front doors. Master raised alarm, called in extra workers and retreated into premise stores, returning with extra packages of frozen breaded fish, hush puppies and chips. The intruders remained on premises for nearly an hour, exhausting all supplies before escaping back to their buses. Master informed headquarters that the store took in $2,509 as a result of the attack.

 

04.29.2013: 0400 LT: Posn: 03:33.36S – 114:26.55E, Somerset, Pa.

 

An employee of a Dunkin’ Donuts off the Pennsylvania Turnpike reported that two people in a car with New York license plates entered premises and asked for a “coffee lite.” When employee asked what they meant, they became indignant and repeated their demand. The employee replied that the restaurant did not serve “diet coffee,” at which point the intruders threw their hands up in the air, made disparaging comments about “yokels,” got back in their car and drove off, where they were stopped 100 yards down the road by a Somerset City Police officer for driving 55 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone, resulting in a $115 fine and a vow from the driver to “never visit this hellhole again.”

 

22.02.2013: 1800 UTC: Posn: 03:51N – 005:57E, Around 30nm SSW of Harwich, Mass.

 

Police officer on duty noted large cloud of bluish smoke rising from a field off Mid-Cape highway. Upon investigation, officer discovered a smoldering pile of Wes Welker football jerseys. Officer reported that he poured gasoline and relit pile to finish the job.

 

***  Latest news:  Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

 

***  A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Sailor on a flight to Norfolk.  After the plane took off, the flight attendant came by and asked what they would like to drink.

 

The Sailor ordered a whiskey.

 

When the flight attendant looked at him, the appalled preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.”

 

The Sailor handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

***  Little boy:  Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a Sailor.

 

Mom:  Pick one or the other.  You can’t do both, darling.

 

***  Ball cap of the week: Georgetown University, 2013 NCAA Men’s Basketball Champions

 

***  Coffee Mug of the Day: “E=MCHammer

 

***  T-Shirt of the day: “I Went on ‘Maury’ and All I Got Was This DNA Report”

 

***  Today’s featured musical accompaniment: “A Prairie Home Companion: Garrison Keillor Sings Off-Key To The Complete Beatles Catalog”

 

*** Answer to JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz for March 32, 2010:

 

Q. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” takes a blunt look at which important political topic?

 

A. The Cold War. During the guitar solo, Rupert Holmes can be heard whispering, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” a phrase that President Ronald Reagan used in a famous speech seven years later in Berlin.

 

***  Back issues of the JOTW March 32nd issue can be found here:

http://www.nedsjotw.com/category/infamous-march-32nd-issue/

 

***  Feel free to share this newsletter. Feel free to forward opportunities. Do not copy words that I wrote and use them as your own. I throw these words in here just to see if someone is stupid enough to copy these words entirely from my newsletter without changing them.

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“Never trust animated people.”

– Pokey

 

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