JOTW March 32nd issue


————————————————————————

***  IABC/Reykjavik – mánaðarlega fundi

Markaðssetning á demographically hreinu Íslendinga

April 15, 2014

Nauthólsvegur  room, Icelandair Hotel Reykjavik Natura

www.iabc.com/chapters/iceland/events/monthlymeetings/

————————————————————————

 

JOTW 13-2014

March 32, 2014

www.nedsjotw.com

http://bit.ly/JOTWSubscribe

This is JOTW newsletter number 1,008 3/4

 

“It may be seem like its really hard for an egg to turn into a bird that can fly, it’s kind of a miracle, right?  But it would be a harder for a hardboiled egg to turn into a bird that can fly really hard.  Either way, the bird can’t fly while it’s still an egg, right?  If you poached and egg right out of the nest and pitched it up in the air, it would sort of be flying, in a way, right, but not really, because it hasn’t hatched and spread its wings and all.  So eventually an egg has to change, and usually that means hatching and learning to fly, or stay an egg and be eaten.  Although, you can shoot a bird that’s flying and eat it, as well.

— C. S. Lewis

 

***  Welcome to the JOTW network.

 

http://bit.ly/JOTWSubscribe

 

***  This edition of JOTW comes to you from ???

 

***  To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.  Provide a link or contact info so people can check out your listing or follow up if interested.  Don’t just send incomplete info and expect Ned to take time to look it all up and figure it out because you think he doesn’t have anything better to do with his time.

 

JOTW is sent out on Mondays by email with a list the jobs posted in the full newsletter, which is posted online at www.nedsjotw.com.  If you don’t know how to look something up online you don’t deserve to be paid for employment.

 

***  Posting a job is free.    The newsletter is posted at www.nedsjotw.com.  Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free.  Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free.  But don’t push your luck too hard.

 

***  This is a cooperative service.  It relies on your participation and contribution.  As you receive the benefit of this free newsletter, you should also send in jobs you learn about.  So what does this really mean?  Does it apply to you?  What do you think, jerk breath?

 

***  To sign up for JOTW or Ned’s other newsletters, visit this site:

 

http://bit.ly/JOTWSubscribe

 

***  Top Jobs:  Stand above the rest.  Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter.  Top job placement costs $100 per job per week.  To be on top, contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.

 

***  If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.

 

***  In this issue:

 

(To view these jobs, visit www.nedsjotw.com)

 

1.)  Associate Director of Institutional Giving, Association of Directors of Institutional Giving, New York, New York

2.)  Editor, the Miner’s Almanac, Frackville, PA

3.)  Public Information Officer, National Transponder Administration, Washington, DC

4.)  Obnoxious person need to shout down everyone else and belittle those choose to disagree with our unassailable point of view.

5.)  FOREIGN RELATIONS LIAISON, Vladimir Putin, The Kremlin, Moscow U.S.S.R. Russia

6.)  NEWS ANCHOR, RT Network, Washington, D.C.

7.)  Meth Teacher, Crystal Community College, Lancaster, California

8.)  Publicist, Kathie Lee Gifford’s “It’s a Koryou Christmas,” Pyongyang, North Korea

9.)  Communications and Public Affairs, Ignorance Protection Association, Militia Mountain, Montana

10.)  Corporate Communications, The Muppets, Burbank, Calif.

Preference given to puppets.

 

11.)  Publicist, Amy Winehouse World Tour, NY, NY

Preference given to holograms.

12.)  Community Relations Professional, DeSean Jackson, Philadelphia, PA

13.)  BRAND MANAGER, National Association of Bad IT Professionals, Arlington, Va.

14.)  PEST CONTROL TECHNICIAN, Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain, U.K.

15.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, Fox & Friends, New York

16.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, MSNBC, New York

17.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, CNN, Atlanta

18.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, CBS News, New York

19.)  SENIOR COMMUNICATOR/CHOREOGRAPHER, National Twerking Association, Los Angeles

20.)  KARDASHIAN, Hollywood, Calif.

 

21.)  PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR, New Jersey Transportation Authority, Trenton, N.J.

22.)  AMERICAN FRIEND, Kim Jong-Un, Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

23.)  Publicist, Battlestar Lardotica, Glendale, Calif.

24.)  PUBLIC POLICY ADVOCATE, The Thigh Gap Foundation, Philadelphia, PA

25.)  ENFORCER, The Spoiler Alert® Institute, Hollywood, Calif.

26.)  “Chemistry Teacher,” Walter White High School, Albuquerque, New Mexico

 

(You can find the jobs descriptions and/or links at www.nedsjotw.com.

 

***  Weekly Piracy Report

 

***  One Paragraph Pitch:

 

 

***  Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to lundquist989@cs.com.  You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point.  There is no waiting list.  Submit yours today!

 

***  IABC/Reykjavik – mánaðarlega fundi

Monthly meeting

“Marketing to the demographically pure Icelandic people”

Markaðssetning á demographically hreinu Íslendinga

Special Guest Speaker – Moeisha LLCoolJsdottir

April 15, 2014

Nauthólsvegur  room, Icelandair Hotel Reykjavik Natura

RSVP

www.iabc.com/chapters/iceland/events/monthlymeetings/

 

***  Stand Out

 

“Stand Out” is available for those who want to take a stand on standing up against those who refuse to stand out in job searches.  Go to http://www.nedsjotw.com/jotw/sit-down/ and look around. “Stand Out” is researched and written by Woody Goulart.

 

***  Let’s get to the jobs:

 

1.)  Associate Director of Institutional Giving, Association of Directors of Institutional Giving, New York, New York

http//www.ADIG.org/humanresources/associatedirector/76229

 

2.)  Editor, the Miner’s Almanac, Frackville, PA

 

Must accurately write underground weather forecasts for the next fifty years.

 

http://www.minersalmana.org/layout/set/html_min/jobs/8433-writer-editor-makestuffup

 

3.)  Public Information Officer, National Transponder Administration, Washington, DC

 

Experience communicator sought to help the National Transponder Administration (NTA) achieve its goal of embedding government services transponders (GTAs) in all Americans.  The brief surgical procedure implants a transponder that is connected to the NTA Public Entitlement Database.  The transponder can charge fees to citizen accounts for toll lanes, public transportation, parking meters and pay-per-view movies and sporting events.  Citizens in arrears on tax accounts can be denied public services as the chip can trigger “denial of services” warnings.

 

4.)  Obnoxious person need to shout down everyone else and belittle those choose to disagree with our unassailable point of view.

www.foxnews.com/careers/

 

5.)  FOREIGN RELATIONS LIAISON, Vladimir Putin, The Kremlin, Moscow U.S.S.R. Russia

On second, thought, we don’t really need you. Never mind.

 

6.)  NEWS ANCHOR, RT Network, Washington, D.C.

 

Read the news. That’s all. Do not think. Thinking = dangerous and useless. Just read what we put in front of you and all is well. We pay you for that. You happy; we happy. Happy happy happy. If you’ve worked previously for Roger Ailes, you already know how this works. Clips to RT@anchorsaway.edu.

 

7.)  Meth Teacher, Crystal Community College, Lancaster, California

 

Must be able to demonstrate ability to elevated mood and increase alertness, concentration, and energy in fatigued students.

 

www.methmouth.edu/crystal/jobs/methteacher

 

8.)  Publicist, Kathie Lee Gifford’s “It’s a Koryou Christmas,” Pyongyang, North Korea

 

We need a top-notch professional to help generate buzz for Kathie Lee’s beloved annual holiday tradition.  Watch Kathie Lee handing out bottles of Slim Fast to starving North Korean children at a concentration camp while singing “If my friends could see me now!”  Several of those children were selected at random and offered jobs in Kathie Lee’s garment factory.  Special guests include Dennis Rodman, and a duet with Andy Williams and Bing Crosby holographically singing “All I want for Christmas is a f*&king cup of cabbage soup.”  Watch the “Cody and Kim” in an arm wrestling death match, as Kathie Lee tearfully implores the Dear Leader not throw her kids to the dogs.  See Frank have his pick of Kim’s concubines.  And there’s that wonderful skit with Regis Philbin as the magical Christmas elf shouting, ““I’m trying to salvage what’s left of your career!”

 

www.koryu broadcastingsystem.dprk.com/youwatchus/wewatchyou

 

9.)  Communications and Public Affairs, Ignorance Protection Association, Militia Mountain, Montana

www.ipa.org/turnaroundsoicanshootyouintheback/

 

10.)  Corporate Communications, The Muppets, Burbank, Calif.

Preference given to puppets.

www.muppets.com/jobopportunities/corporatecommunication

 

11.)  Publicist, Amy Winehouse World Tour, NY, NY

Preference given to holograms.

www.AlkiDavid.com/jobopportunities/Memorex

 

12.)  Community Relations Professional, DeSean Jackson, Philadelphia, PA

Preference given to gang members.

www.DeSeanJackson.com/jobopportunities/attitude

 

13.)  BRAND MANAGER, National Association of Bad IT Professionals, Arlington, Va.

 

Trade association representing IT professionals seeks Brand Manager to develop and implement awareness campaign and ongoing brand support. For detailed job description or more information, call 1-888-HELPDESK, ext. 3488, leave a message we will get back to you within 72 business hours; if your request is urgent, dial “0,” ask for “Brandon.”*

 

*Not his real name.

 

14.)  PEST CONTROL TECHNICIAN, Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain, U.K.

 

Iconic world landmark seeks qualified Pest Control Technician to assist us with huge infestation of Druids. We’re seeking a service professional who enjoys freedom and flexibility, building relationships, helping others, solving problems and new challenges. The ideal candidate is highly motivated, reliable, detail oriented, independent, confident and customer-oriented with good time management skills, strong communication ability, and a desire to help promote environmental health and safety.

 

Summary of Duties

•             Performs Druid management and fumigation procedures and tasks on a daily basis.

•             Maintains outstanding quality of service. Complies with all legal and Company guidelines, SOP and safety requirements.

•             Meets or exceeds goals as determined in conjunction with the Territory Manager.

•             Serves as regular contact with customers and other pest management related agencies.

 

Required Experience

•             Minimum of 3-5 years of experience in the performance of pest management operations activity preferred.

•             Previous pest management experience and familiarity with pest control methods and equipment is preferred.

•             Working knowledge of Gaelic, Cymraeg or other Druid languages helpful.

•             Valid driver’s license with proof of insurability and safe driving record required.

•             Candidate must be able to pass pre-employment drug screening.

 

Candidates may present their credentials at 15 N. Swindon Street, Salisbury, Wiltshire SP1 between 8:00-15:00 GMT.

 

15.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, Fox & Friends, New York

Ha-ha! Just kidding! Just go to the next job listing.

 

16.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, MSNBC, New York

Ha-Ha! We’re also just kidding! Move along, nothing to see.

 

17.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, CNN, Atlanta

See? We have a sense of humor, too! No job here, carry on.

 

18.)  FACT CHECKER/RESEARCHER, CBS News, New York

 

Nation’s oldest television news network, founded in 1832 by Arthur Columbia, William Broadcasting and Aaron System, seeks experienced Fact Checker/Researcher to uphold the highest standards of news integrity and credibility.

 

Candidate will possess a deep knowledge of American and world history; a keen sense of business; a flexible approach to a variety of news; and studious work habits with the ability to shift gears quickly and efficiently.

 

One moment you might be confirming the causes of the Spanish-American War (1950-1953); the next moment, you might be providing tidbits about the late House Speaker John Boehner (1954-2011) or who won Super Bowl XXXIV (the Cleveland Browns). Other times, you might be asked to team up with a network correspondent to do extensive research on a single topic, such as notorious Mexican warlord Dale Earnhardt, Jr., or Academy Award-winning actress Kim Kardashian.

 

If you have what it takes to perform this highly important role, send your resume and clips to: ABC News, 234 W. 45th Street, New York, NY 10045. Or, email your vitals to factcheck@nbcnews.org.

 

19.)  SENIOR COMMUNICATOR/CHOREOGRAPHER, National Twerking Association, Los Angeles

 

Can you work it?

I mean, can you REALLY work it?

Can you twerk it?

I mean, can you REALLY twerk it?

If you can shake that thing,

And make it swing,

And make bells ring,

And flash some bling

(among other things),

 

Then join the mob,

With this cool job,

To make folks move,

And find their groove

(and be so smooth.)

 

Don’t be a jerk;

Just make it twerk!

 

Send a video showing your best moves to: National Twerking Association,* P.O. Box 333, Los Angeles, CA 90025.

 

*Not to be confused with the National Association of Twerking, which, in our opinion, is just a bunch of butt-shakers.

 

20.)  KARDASHIAN, Hollywood, Calif.

Famous family seeks additional members for various events and TV shows. No experience necessary. Resume/cover letter to: Kardashian@E!.com

 

21.)  PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR, New Jersey Transportation Authority, Trenton, N.J.

 

Busy state transportation agency serving more than five million consumers daily seeks creative* Public Relations Director to oversee** communications department.

 

Summary of Duties:

 

•             Responsible for all department communications, i.e, press releases, white papers, public affairs, media relations, speech writing (as needed), legal opinions (as required)***

•             Prompt notification to media outlets of any lane closures on state-owned roads, tunnels and bridges.****

•             Coordination with nearby state and local transportation authorities.*****

•             Serve as liaison to Office of the Governor on all transportation issues within state.******

•             Serve as point person******* for agency on all public/media matters.

 

*And boy, do we mean “creative” (wink-wink)

**Meaning, “we will throw you under the bus to save our own butts.”

***This will entail about 90 percent of your job. Trust us.

****Even the ones you don’t know about until later.

*****Just the Republican ones.

******See “**.”

*******See “**.”

 

Candidate should send resume/cover letter/legal history/name of personal attorney to: NJDOT, The Little Toll Booth By the George Washington Bridge, Paramus, N.J. 08820 or email to CleanUpInLane4@njdot.gov.

 

22.)  AMERICAN FRIEND, Kim Jong-Un, Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

 

The People’s Democratic Republic of Korea, i.e, North Korea in popular decadent western culture, seeks a high-profile American to serve as a “friend” for our Dear Leader, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un, to replace the previous “friend,” Mr. Rodman, who is no longer available to perform such duties.

 

Criteria:

•             Famous movie/television celebrity, and/or

•             Famous sports star (active desired, will consider retired if of recent vintage), or

•             Famous news personality, and/or

•             Famous politician, or

•             Famous undercover spy (privacy respected)

•             WILL NOT CONSIDER: reality show stars of any genre; minor league baseball players; game show hosts; Vince the ShamWow guy.

 

Duties:

•             Make frequent trips to Pyongyang to accompany Dear Leader on variety of public events to demonstrate to both the workers of the DPRK and the exploited workers of the United States seeking to raise up against their tyrannical oppressors the popularity of and example set by our Dear Leader.

•             Help to undermine fragile, tenuous relationship between the imperial United States government and its fake “allies,” including the South Koreans, the British, the French and especially the Belgians. God, do we hate the Belgians.

•             Serve as official spokesman for the United States when on North Korean soil.

•             Provide Dear Leader with DVDs of recent first-run Western movies, especially action movies and Pixar.

 

If you believe that you meet these important criteria, please forward your resume along with a 500-word essay on “Death to America and Its Pig-Dog Oppressor Class Elite” to: Friend, People’s Palace, Pyongyang, and DPRK 98805. Please include the ZIP Code to guarantee proper delivery.

 

23.)  Publicist, Battlestar Lardotica, Glendale, Calif.

 

The blockbuster Sci-Fi series is back in a big way.  Battlestar Lardotica defies gravity with a huge cast who get chased by a cybernetic race of food administering robots who try to subjugate humans to fast food outlets throughout the galaxy.  As the overindulging humans expand in girth they must modify their starship with wide doors and sturdier chairs.  Hilarity ensues when Lorne Greene, as Commander Odometer watches Dan Blocker make a guest appearance on the show and fall on hiss duff when he tries out the Captain’s chair on the bridge.  One unusual feature of the show is that each broadcast is essentially the same as the previous one, true to the series motto of “That which does not repeat itself will be destined to repeat itself.”

 

www.abcdisney.com/careers/publicist/biggbutts

 

24.)  PUBLIC POLICY ADVOCATE, The Thigh Gap Foundation, Philadelphia, PA

 

National foundation promoting reasonable, healthy thigh gaps has immediate opening for Public Policy Advocate to develop and implement programs and awareness campaigns.

 

Responsibilities:

•           Create and implement Foundation’s “It’s a Matter of Inches” public policy campaign calling for a national thigh gap standard, based on height/weight/body shape, that promotes healthy lifestyle choices and proper nutrition.

•           Work with media, legislators, regulators and other stakeholders in creating awareness and promulgating appropriate federal, state and local standards on appropriate thigh gap.

•           Serve as foundation spokesperson with media/talk shows.

•           Other related duties.

 

Candidates should forward their resume to mindthegap@TGF.org. No phone calls, please.

 

25.)  ENFORCER, The Spoiler Alert® Institute, Hollywood, Calif.

 

The Spoiler Alert Institute, creator and owner of the phrase “Spoiler Alert®” and “Spoiler Alert!®,” seeks aggressive, dedicated Enforcer to monitor and as necessary prosecute cases in which media use these phrases without proper attribution.

 

As owner of these phrases, SAI is entitled to written permission to use these phrases and compensation for such use. As Enforcer, you will:

 

•           Create and maintain list of media who use Spoiler Alert® and Spoiler Alert!® on a routine basis, with or without permission, i.e, Billy Bush: “Spoiler Alert! Snape kills Dumbledore!”

•           Track illegal usage of Spoiler Alert® and Spoiler Alert!® and follow up with transgressors on proper permissions and usage.

•           Send cease and desist letters to chronic violators, advising them on legal alternatives to SAI for recompense and satisfaction.

•           Initiate lawsuits and civil suits as necessary.

 

Qualifications:

•           You need to be one bad-ass attorney. Will also consider nightclub bouncers.

 

Resume/CV to: The Spoiler Alert® Institute, 258 Westwood Boulevard, Hollywood, Calif. 90078.

 

26.)  “Chemistry Teacher,” Walter White High School, Albuquerque, New Mexico

 

Award-winning community college seeks experienced “chemistry teacher” to “teach classes” and oversee “laboratory” work. Advanced degree preferred with working knowledge of “complex formulas.” This is a “hands-on” position with “unlimited budget potential.” Candidates should have clean record and concealed weapons permit. Resume/curriculum vitae to: P.O. Box 51, Albuquerque, NM.

 

***  Weekly Alternative Selections:

 

None this week.

 

 

***  Weekly Piracy Report:

 

043-14  23.03.2014: 0630 UTC: Posn: 13:18N – 042:52E, Red Sea.

 

Five skiffs with three persons in each approached a chemical tanker underway at high speed. Used spray paint to write the words “Mohamed Abdi Hassan was here, but rejects illegal activities at sea which detain ships, crews and their cargos for financial gain.”  The pirates later issued a statement saying they wanted the world to see the softer, more human side of the pirates as “just regular fisherman who wants to impress girls.”

 

042-14  31.01.2014: Singapore Straits.

 

Robbers boarded a barge under tow, broke open two containers and escaped with four tons of rubber duckies. The theft was only noticed by the tug’s crew after seven days while handing over the barge at the destination port.

 

***  Ball cap of the week:   Bearded Clam State Beach

 

***  Coffee Mug of the week:     Decaf is evil

 

***  T- shirt of the week:   I got old so I could save a buck at Ihop  (Thanks, Connie.)

 

***  Musical guest artist of the week:   The Elvis Presley Revue, featuring Kim Jong Un

 

***  To subscribe:  http://bit.ly/JOTWSubscribe

 

Your cooperation is requested.  Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com.

 

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators.  You are welcome to look at the previous issues.  To read this list on the web, please visit  www.nedsjotw.com.

 

This newsletter is published by:

 

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC

7813 Richfield Road

Springfield, VA 22153

U.S.A.

+1 703 455-7661 (home office)

+1 703 472-8629 (cell)

 

lundquist989@cs.com

www.nedsjotw.com

 

 

The JOTW Network – A world in communication

For your hospitality, thank you!

© Copyright 2014 The Job of the Week Network, LLC

 

 

 

Leave a Reply