|
|||
|
Search
Month Archive
Login
|
Tuesday, April 1
JOTW 13-2008 Add 1
Tue 01 Apr 2008 05:11 AM EDT
March 32nd Issue more »
Sunday, April 1
Saturday, April 1
March 32nd issue 2006
Sat 01 Apr 2006 06:41 AM EST
JOTW 07-2006 March 32, 2006 "If lye-based toilet bowl disinfectant products are so poisonous, why do they make them taste so good?" - Anonymous Welcome to the totally free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators. JOTW is a cooperative service that relies on the contributions of its members, like you. What does that mean, exactly. It means that if you just read it, and never send in a contribution, then you are the worst kind of bloodsucking leach. We share job opportunities; news and information about the job market, as well as swapping stories about life's peculiarities, and make fun of people’s weird problems. How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network. It's that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Did I mention it was free? Your friends can sign up by sending a blank e-mail to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com. It's free for them, too.
*** Pimp My Job *** KISSS *** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification *** Marketing Specialist - Fruits and Vegetables, Central Intelligence Agency, *** Community Relations Manager, Foundation to Put Ribbons on the Backs of Cars to Show Support for People who Put Ribbons on the backs of Their Cars, *** Public Affairs Specialist, Special Prosecutors Office, Something that happened a long time ago, *** Crisis Communications, Save The Leprechauns, *** Ratings Inflater, Al Franken Show, Air *** Publicist, Dick Wolf Productions, *** Community Outreach Advocate, Claymation Characters of *** Photo Editor, National Hike Naked Day Foundation, *** Director of Corporate Communications, *** Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, *** Strategic Communicator, Task Force *** Communications Specialist (on site), International Reconstruction Effort to Rebuild This Country To Make It More Like Our Country, Jerkoffistan *** Marcom Expert, Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones, *** Sponsorship Director, Hobo Olympics, Grants, *** Director of Outreach, National Society of gropers and inappropriate grabbers, *** SPECIAL EVENTS COORDINATOR, GLAMMOGRAMS, *** NON-RUSSIAN FIGURE SKATERS, *** HOMESTEADERS, Upper *** TARGET OF SCORN, Harpo Productions, *** Faculty Yearbook Advisor, *** Web Editor/Content manager, Snow Mobile Alcoholics Stuck in Hospitals (SMASH), *** Member Relations, Cat Hoarders Society, *** Director of Development and Governmental Affairs, National Associations of *** Communications Director, National Association of Anonymous Sources, *** Membership Coordinator, Women who have been videotaped having Sex with Scott Step or Kid Rock, *** FRATERNITY INSTRUCTOR, *** Hollaback Girl, Symmetric Communications, *** PUBLICIST/WATER CUP HOLDER, Mariah Carey Inc., *** Communications Director, Feral Feline Foundation, *** Senior Communications Manager, International Headwaiters Group, *** Communications Director, Institute to get some positive awareness for the "Real" *** Communications Director, Fostering Intelligence Superiority Through Torture (FISTT), *** Vice President, Public Relations, Wal-mart Stores, *** Public Affairs officer, *** Outreach and Advocacy Support Associate, United Nations Initiative to Teach People in Third World Countries to Wash Their Hands, Geneva, Switzerland *** Scriptwriter/Vowel Specialist, adult entertainment industry, *** Membership Communications, National Association of Lousy Tippers, *** Research assistant, National Association to Support Married Men Who Have Removed Their Wedding Rings and Who Want to Pick Up Attractive Younger Women and Invite Them Out For A Drink After Work and Hope it Leads to Something Else, *** Director of Communications, National Association of Small Women Owned Businesses, *** CREATIVE DIRECTOR, B.L.A.M.E., Offices worldwide *** Web Content Editor, HoboNet Intranet, League of Sojuners on Trains (LOST), *** Photo Editor, “Fluff” Magazine, Publications Division, International Belly Button Lint Foundation, *** Senior Strategic Communications Research Consultant, Program Outreach and Advocacy Directorate, National Take-A-Nap Society, Sleepy Hollow, NY *** COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, FEDERAL NICKNAME REGISTRY, *** Director of Marketing Communications, The Power of the Mullet, *** *** Editorial Assistant, Flatulence Magazine, Flatulent Earth Society, *** Communications Manager, DP World, This is a contract opportunity to manage TSA and DHS Public affairs), *** Strategic Communications Expert, Nutrition Department, Junk Food Producers Council, Bronx, NY …and more than you expected! For damn little, nothing actually. *** One Paragraph Pitch: I am Idi Grassingbe Sidi Abacha Issayas Barre Biya Bokassa Mobutu Doe. You are probably saying "I do not know this fellow." Ah, but you do. I shall tell you why, and then I shall ask you in such great and terrible confidence the reason I am so desperate for the assistance of a kind and intelligent person like yourself in arranging for the transfer of some secreted funds into your bank account while we look the other way here in Africa, and the typical payment is made to you for such kind consideration, such being the positive and unanticipated consequences of “nedworking” with such elitist communication professionals. I am the nephew of Sani Abacha, who seized power in I am also the godson of Issayas Afwerki, who seized leadership in Idi Amin was president of Said Mohammed Barre was my maternal great grand cousin-in-law, and proud ruler of Paul Biya is my second-mother's step-brother. Biya was elected prime minister of Cameroon in 1975 and president in 1982, and now, by decree, all wealth in Cameroon belongs to him. He keeps it in a modest-sized warehouse down by the dry river. Unfortunately, most of it is in French francs. He spends a great deal of his time checking over his shoulder, counting his money, and confiding in no one, except me. Jean-Bedel Bokassa, my uncle, was president of the Central African Republic from 1966 until 1979, then president for life, then emperor, which is the traditional career progression for African despots. That he was a man of means is well known, since he enriched himself by about $125 million. Hey, his imperial coronation ceremony was a $30 million affair, and that is even a lot by African standards. That he was a mean man is also well known, since he tortured and killed many people, and ate some of them. Even the French couldn't stand him, and they can eat almost anything with a cream sauce, and they had him overthrown, which is what they do. So, Uncle Jean-Bedel comes back with a vengeance after his brief sentence was up, and ended up getting arrested again. That he was a man is also well-known, especially to his seventeen wives and around fifty children. If that won't give you a heart attack, like he had in 1996, I don't know what will. Did he will his fortune to all those wives and children? No. Only I know where the money is. My relative, Ernie K. Doe, who sang the doo-wop hit "Mother-in-Law," is related to Liberian strongman Samuel K. Doe. If you were not in his tribe, you were nobody. Soon there was nobody in the other tribes. Political parties could not oppose him because he banned them. When he was overthrown by my cousin, Charles Taylor in 1990, Doe was forced to cut off his ears and eat them. I have some leftovers that I though you could auction on ebay and we could split the proceeds. I prefer to be paid by paypal. Recently Charles Taylor fell upon a bit of bad luck, was lost, but was found and can look forward to much happiness. My great grand uncle, Grassingbe Eyadema started it all in Togo in 1963. He showed the way by seizing power in a military coup, then assuming the presidency in 1967. He banned all political parties and political activity, just to be on the safe side. They love him in Togo, and keep reelecting him and offering incredible sums of money for him to hide on their behalf, a sort of forced savings plan. You can imagine how much money he's been able to stash away with nobody except me knowing anything about it since all that time. My sister's uncle, Muammar Gaddafi, has collected some coin ever since he toppled Libya’s monarchy in 1969. He keeps it in his tent. He has 'anti-western' attitudes and would have a cow if he knew I was sending much of his plunder to the west, so don't tell, okay. He has some hit squads that assassinate Libyan dissidents living overseas, but you should not have any problems if you keep all of this a big secret just between us. Laurent Kabila, my great uncle twice removed, became president of the Democratic Republic of Congo when he led forces that overthrew Joseph Mobutu in 1997. Although he does not rank in the same league as Mobutu as a dictator, Kabila’s four-year rule coincided with the deaths of around 3.3 Million people in the DRC. When he came to power Kabila promised institute political reforms and ‘intra-Congolese dialogue,’ but he actually ended up removing ministers from his initial cabinet who were from different tribes than his own, and placed other political opponents into internal exile. Kabila was shot by one of his own bodyguards in 2001. Fidel castro was so moved by Kabila’s death he ordered the flags flown at half-mast in Cuba. Despite early promises to the contrary, Kabila never faced his people in any kind of popular election during his four-year rule. The government has fixed the salary of soldiers to $100 per month, but the money is paid to Kabila, and the soldiers received only $15 per month. What has he done with the difference, you ask? Well, I know where they money is stashed, and my partner and I (that means you), with make a tidy sum when this cash is moved out of the country to some place with churches that have Bingo. Haile Mariam Mengistu, the brother-in-law of my step-sister's uncle, "assumed" the presidency of Ethiopia following a military coup in 1974. The Russians gave him help, and that really pissed off the Jamaicans who still worship the "Lion of Zion." But Megitsu, who is the cousin of my step-brother, got lots of Haile Selassie's stuff, which is very much in demand by Rastafarians in Kingston's gange-laden giftshops. Even though Mengistu had about1.5 Million of his own people executed, he stole all international food aid sent Ethiopia for the famine during the mid 1980’s. Since the people were killed, they had a lot of food leftover. He still has a lot of that food, and I need help to smuggle some of it back out so we can sell it. There is USDA surplus cheese and peanut butter. I also have some big sacks of powdered milk, donated by the United States of America. Such generosity, except that we are lactose intolerant. Mobutu Sese Seko was my cousin's brother-in-law's uncle's stepfather, as well as President of the former Belgian Congo from 1965 until 1997. He was a very self-effacing man, for whom titles meant little, so he just named himself head of state, head of government, commander in chief of the armed forces, and head of the only political party allowed. He also gave his country was a new title - Zaire, in 1971. His regime was given the title of 'kleptocracy.' In return, Mobutu felt entitled to take all there was to take - estimated to be around $4 billion. His wine collection alone was worth $2.3 million. The country has gold, copper, cobalt, rubber and ivory, while the people of the Congo are just about the poorest in the world. Most of them don’t even know what cobalt is, or how to use a rubber. Those nice people from the Rwandan army ran him out in 1997, and Mobutu died in exile in Togo the following year. I am among the few people who know where his wine cellar is. I know because Mobutu told King Mswati III of Swaziland, Africa’s last remaining absolute monarch, who said that "women who wear pants are the reason why ‘the world is in such a state today’." King Mswati told me this, for he is a friend I met on the Internet, and I have never looked at a pair of pants the same way since. So far I have seen wildly successful hooking up with people online. Mostly women. But now I have this huge fortune that I must sneak out of this continent and I of course need your help. I decided to contact people I have never met and offer complete and total trust that such a person, which I can assume and rely upon as being worthy of my total trust, can stand as the next of my kin and have his (by him, I refer to the wealthy autocratic relatives of mine of which I have already provided some small level of detail) remaining fortune transferred to him/her (by him or her I mean you). You only need to make the appearance that you are my next of kin. After all of which we can then discuss on the fair and equitable sharing ratio in favour of the both of us. Before the death of the many people referred to in this notification, and up until date I was the account officer as it were for all these various and in sundry piles of cash, hordes of gold, herds of fine Somali cattle, rare baseball card collections, masterpiece paintings, exquisite fine jewels and other items of precious nature and of inestimable wealth, here in Nigeria, where I also have at times owned chains of property and a few investment firms. My purpose of contacting you, as you can plainly see, is to assist in repatriating the funds and varied wealth, left behind by my relatives prior to their mostly untimely situations of death before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by some government officials or bank representatives where these huge deposit were lodged in, where the numerous deceased had such accounts. Now that I have confided in you and, I hope, gained your trust, I ask you to do me a small favor. Since I have been unsuccessful in getting this money and wealth out of Nigeria for over one year, now I seek your consent as the next of kin of the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$190.4 billion can be paid to you. I just ask for a little spending cash as my part of this transaction, and some of the cattle, for that is all I need now that I have again become accustomed to a simple life. My how I yearn for that cattle. All documents to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out. This proposal is 100% risk-free and also a legal one. We have agreed that the fund be shared thus, after it must have been transferred into your account. Oh how I love it when a plan comes together as such. Please if you are very much ready to proceed with me then contact me through my confidential email address (whatifitismethatistoxic_34@hotmail.com). Idi et al (Ned’s comment. This might be a hoax. See Why: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/permalink/nigerian_bank_scam_sendup/ *** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification: If I ignore somebody, will they go away? Dear Annoyed, I hope so. Pontoof *** Scary: Hi Ned, *** Breaking JOTW News -- Bring your own: Northwest Airlines has a new approach to saving money. The carrier, currently in bankruptcy, has negotiated a clause in its contracts with the airline’s pilots and those who fly for its feeder lines - known as a scope clause. Currently, any aircraft over 70 seats must be flown by union members of the mainline carrier. NWA’s new program will equip its DC-9 aircraft, currently with 100 to 125 seats, with just 6 seats in first class. All other passengers must bring their own FAA-approved lawn chair. “We’ll save a ton of money,” says airline spokesman Alain Globensky. “Since it’s technically a six-seater, we don’t even have to have a co-pilot, so we save a bundle right there. And we hardly have to pay anything to the pilot!.” *** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification: Dear Pontoof, I’ve been wearing some pretty sexy tops to work because, well, I have the figure for it. The problem is, there’s this guy who I swear keeps staring right down my blouse. It’s really obvious. The other day a paper clip that was holding together some receipts together fell down into my bra. He spilled some coffee down there yesterday, then he very willingly offered to clean it up. He almost fell into my cleavage twice. Is this normal? Dear Go For It, Why do you think they call it a plunging neckline? Pontoof *** No joke: (No.) *** Pimp My Job: Dear PMJ Dream Team,
I was the ruler of a country, a beautiful place, of classic proportions, a land of milk and honey, of supplicant maidens and bold, strong men, like my gracious and gentlemanly sons, who did not take any guff from their neighbors, or their women, or Kurds. Today I am reduced to a man in shackles, who must spit at his captors for wont of a more appropriate response. If I were still in charge, anyone who spit at me would have been pulled from his home in broad daylight, never to return, and subjected to a series of torture, before we would grow tired and kill him. So it was for spitters, but also blasphemers, and people who looked at me funny. These were simple people I tortured and killed. For me, I yearned for simple pleasures, but was forced to be a complex, brooding and calculating leader in order to maintain my ruthlessness. You wouldn't understand, because you are simple. I was placed in prison by simple criminals who are a little peeved because one time, a long time ago, I wiped out a whole lot of people in their village, not just because they looked at me funny, but that too. Sheesh. We gave them a fair and speedy “trial.” And now they want me to say I was wrong. They are all pawns of the invaders. So, PMJ Dream Team, how can I get them to leave, and give me my palaces and cars and dapper uniforms back, and restore me to full power, with back pay? Dear S.H.,
Fortunately, in this day and age, being a despot brought to justice is not the “deal-killer” it used to be. Yes, you’ll need to put it on your resume; and yes, you’ll need to explain some of your strategic decisions frankly. But turn the negatives into positives--show what you learned from the setbacks; explain how you’ve grown. For example, you killed a lot of people, but you also inspired a great deal of fierce loyalty.
And if that doesn’t work, you can always blame the media. It works here in the U.S.!
Tundra Og *** Breaking JOTW News: Washington Redskin owner Daniel Snyder today announced that he is changing the name of FedEx Field to "Bunch of Migrant Workers Standing Around at the Local 7-Eleven Stadium." The new sponsorship agreement came as Snyder said he would change the name after he collected one dollar from each migrant worker in the Washington area. "Even when I have to pay a penalty to FedEx for reneging on the long-term naming rights deal I had with them I come out way ahead on the revenue stream," Snyder says. *** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification: Dear Pontoof,
I've been having an illicit and torrid relationship with this married guy. We know each other on a personal level (really personal), but he has no idea what I do or how well I perform at work. I recently asked him to write me a professional endorsement for a job I was applying to. It was a glowing letter. Thanks to him, I got a great new position and a hefty salary increase. Not long after he did that, I got tired of him (I was seeing someone at my new job) and pushed him away. More like just started ignoring him. He was dismayed, then sort of I guess you would say angry. Now he wants to follow-up his recommendation letter to my new employer to say that the letter was a sham that he made up because he sort of liked me and I put him up to it. Pontoof, should I respond to this threat by telling his wife?
It’s all about me
Dear I.A.A.M.
*** Kommunicators In Search of a Special Someone (KISSS): Do you know what I want? I'll tell you. Bright, attractive, athletic, I am earthy (as in dirty), smarter than you, hilariously funny (you will tell me this often), stubborn (but you’ll get used to it), and financially independent (as long as they don’t call in all of my loans at the same time) -- although I expect you to pick up the tab. If your idea of a pretty darn cool thing is waiting and waiting for help desk support, because you like the music, and hearing that computer-chick’s voice tell you the best way to fix the problem of not having internet access can be found by accessing their great on-line support tools, then maybe it’s time you listened to my voice.
My Mr. Thoughtful will turn off his PDA when we're having a quickie at the hotel next to his office, and remembers to send candy to my assistant after we hook up so she'll keep her mouth shut about our affair. I want a man who likes walking in the gentle surf on a quiet, secluded beach, hand in hand, and can help me do the math for a quick cost analysis to submit a cost proposal for a hefty job that just popped up on the RFP radar and for which bids close in two hours. I hate a man who will be manipulative and play mind games, so don't be one of them. What I find seductive in a man are telling me I have sparkling originality, humor, intelligence, and never being judgmental about me. I value a man who learns from his mistakes and never makes them again with me, while telling me I’m okay and that anything I ever do wrong is no big deal, so lets move on. *** Hey! I signed up for your website. I sent a very detailed blank e-mail, and I have not received my listings. What gives??? (Check your skivvies.) *** Dearest JOTW: Hello, I would like to know what the first step would be when posting my job vacancies. Which website, and do we need a login ID? Thank you Swati (Your login ID is “Clueless” and your password is “Tosser.”) *** Hey, where’s my job: I sent you a job earlier today to post on your website. It’s been several hours, and I still can’t find it anywhere on the web. Can you get off the stick and post this thing to your website NOW!?! Marcella *** Breaking News: Report blames Navy sonars for Spring Break excess A report by Greenpeace claims that U.S. Navy surface combatant active sonar energy leads to excessive drinking, public nudity and promiscuous sex among young people. Lt. Art D'Vark, a Navy spokesman, admitted that Navy ships were underway at various times and in various locations in the Atlantic ocean during the months of February and March. "These ships have active sonar that are sometimes used to find submarines or mines, and they are at some times radiating acoustic energy into the volume of water," D'Vark said. College students from all over the United States are drawn to Florida and Gulf Coast beaches during "Spring Break." The proximity to the ocean makes these young people extremely vulnerable, says Greenpeace researcher Nicodimas Wozniak. "You have these kids coming to the beaches for rest and relaxation, and the Navy is recklessly emitting sound energy that drives them mad." Several students are suing the Navy, with legal assistance from Greenpeace. Stella Moth from Lake Forest, Illinois, a student at the University of Northern Iowa, woke up disoriented one morning at a Panama Beach, Florida condo. She had a navel piercing and a tattoo of a mermaid on her lower back for which she has no recollection. "Greenpeace says it was the navy's fault, so I'm joining in the class action suit." Many young people who were seen swimming in the water last Wednesday afternoon were found stranded on the beach, passed out the next morning. Wozniak said he was conducting research in Panama City and ended up at a crowded nightspot called the Sand Box. “Next thing I know I have two cocktails in front of me, blue, with umbrellas in them. This is very uncommon for me. Then some college girls asked me to dance with them. Clearly the navy is behind this, and everything else that happened that night.” The young seem to be most vulnerable, Wozniak says. Very few cases of alcohol poisoning or drunk and disorderly conduct are reported by hospitals or police involving anyone over the age of 23 in coastal areas during the same time. Heather Mason, a sophomore at Kent State University and a native of Zanesville, Ohio, says she saw herself performing sex acts with multiple partners on a pay-per-view cable channel the morning after she went out for dinner and a few cocktails with her girlfriends. The she remembers nothing after blacking out at a disco called Sting Ray Larry's. "The navy is behind this," Mason proclaimed. "They must be testing a secret weapon that they plan to use of North Korea. Who were those guys, anyway? They weren't even cute." *** Dear Pontoof, I have a friend with whom I had a very deep and personal connection. We chatted by e-mail, sometimes 50 and more e-mails a day. There was a time we talked on the phone every day for weeks. She even called and wished me a happy birthday. Then, it just stopped. What do you make of it? Getting Concerned Dear G.C. Beats me. *** "If you are not getting as much from life as you want to, then reexamine your standards." *** Dear Pontoof, I was watching the NCAA tournament. I stripped down to my unmentionables, lit a few votive candles, and drank a six-pack before half-time, praying for George Mason to beat Michigan State, promising God that I would make monkey love to the receptionist at work if Mason won. When I woke up, they had beaten State. So, I tried it again. I got a bottle of Goldschlagger, and a six-pack of National BO, and promised God I would floss and have good posture if GMU would beat North Carolina. I peeled off my sweats, lit the candles, chugged the beers, and was well into my goldshots when I lost consciousness. When I came to, the Patriots had knocked of the Tar Heels. Have I started a new religion? Enlightened One Dear Captain E.O., Yes, I see the beginnings of a new religion. Just ask Tom Cruise. I suggest that you call yourself "The Masons." You can create your own secret handshake, develop degrees of enlightenment (33, perhaps?), and drive little cars in parades while wearing a fez. To give your new religion an aura of ancientness, you can call your buildings "temples" instead of "churches" (I like the sound of a "Masonic temple," n'est c'est pas?) You can also finance your religion by creating sturdy luggage, which you can call "Masonite," establishing your religion as a strong brand. As for the receptionist, tread carefully. One strips to unmentionables
Best, Pontoof Dear Pontoof, Me again. The Wichita State game was another revelation. I got naked, lit the candles, and reverently drank the mystical six-pack. This time I did shots of Cuervo Gold between each beer. I said my prayer. I was so excited that I could hardly pass out. So I drank more beer. I'm not sure when during the game I blanked out, but when I came to Mason had one and I had peed on the floor. When Mason played Connecticut, I knew this was a big test. I got extra candles. I arranged them in a circle, one for each team in the Colonial Athletic Association. I drew symbols on my naked body with a Sharpie. I don't know what the symbols mean, but I had divine inspiration to draw them, I’m pretty sure. I had my cooler in front of me with the ritual beers, and a bottle of Royal Command Canadian Whiskey. I knew this was a solemn occasion, so I covered myself all over with whipped cream from a can of ready whip, and prayed that George Mason would at least show up against UConn, but actually I asked God to let Mason win. I figured that God might let them since UConn wasn't one of those catholic schools. I lit the candles, shotgunned the beers punctuated by shots of RC. This is the weird part. When the game was over, and I woke up for the highlights and saw that GMU had accomplished the miraculous, the whipped cream was gone. My dog, Cousey, a Bill Russell Terrier, was sitting next to me, and he says he saw nothing. This really is a new religion, isn’t it? And when does the receptionist pay off? The Next Moses Dear Mo, Pontoof Dear Pontoof, Hey, it’s me once more. So, thanks to my new religion, George Mason University’s men’s basketball team is in the Final Four! This time I have decided to have some GMU hot dogs, I will grill some ball park franks and cover them with yellow mustard and green relish. Get it? Green and Gold? And many beers. And bottles of cheap cold duck. I have lots of candles, and a green and a gold sharpie. I've always admired people who went to the University of Maryland, a school with a winning tradition. After they win a big game, the students gather together to take part in a spirited, communal ritual that involves burning cars, mattresses, and stores. So, I prayed to God that if Mason won, I would do the same. Problem is that while Mason has more students than the University of Virginia, it is mostly a commuter school. There is no one place we all gather. Certainly no one place we would instinctively gather with the necessary ingredients for a really good pep rally (those ingredients being accelerant and an ignition source). If GMU wins the big one, should I just go out and burn a few vehicles in my neighborhood? The next true prophet Dear Prophet, I think your dog is the true God, not you. Pontoof *** Pimp My Job: Dear PMJ Dream Team,
I 'm thinking of becoming a tyrant. I'm so tired of kissing up to HR, and EEO, and doing everything the PC way. Give me a BREAK! No more Mr. Nice Guy for me. What do you recommend?
Dear Tyrant
The Dream Team suggests becoming an Evil Overlord . There are the obvious benefits of pay, perks, and planning your program as you please. Newcomers to this career field seem to make the same novice mistakes. We suggest you study up on the following:
What are the odds that Wayne Gretsky had no idea his wife had been betting on hockey games? - Rossaire Paiment (The SportsBook in Vegas is laying down 1-1.) *** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification: Dear Pontoof, My mother just passed away, and I need to get home for the funeral. There’s just no easy way to do it. First of all, my mother gave very little notice, so all the advance purchase fares are gone. None of the seats set aside for frequent flier miles are left either. The so called “bereavement fares” are a joke. They cost almost as much as full fare. I don’t want to fly through Chicago because O’Hare is so big and there are always delays. In the summer it’s thunderstorms, in the winter its snow. And the bars there have bitchy waitresses who don’t want you to sit and watch the game without ordering something. I hate going through New York because of all those jerks with Yankees hats and A-Rod and Jeter shirts, I mean, my God! I don’t like going through Minneapolis because you invariably run into some group of kids dressed up like Sailor Moon tugging these little “Hello Kitty” wheeled suitcases on the moving walkway and slowing everything down. Detroit is awful, because you have to race between gates and they are so far apart. When you finally get there you get stuck in the lounge with some geek whose cell phone makes those geeky communicators noises and then you hear Uhura say “Captain, We’re being hailed.” At Dallas, you get all caught up with some thugs listening to hip hop on their iPods so loud we can all hear the offensive lyrics. Phoenix doesn’t have an Auntie Annie’s Pretzel place, and Denver has a walk two miles long just to get anywhere near the first gate, and I’m always stuck down at the last one. I’d go through Milwaukee but I knew a guy in college who was from Wisconsin, or Michigan, or something like that, who cut his hand all up with a power saw. Those people are nuts. The train isn’t an option, because the railroads go right through the worst parts of town and you see the junkiest houses from the back side. How depressing. And the bus stinks. Literally. You smell like tidybowl by the time you get off the bus. So, like, what should I do? Dear Optioned Out, Is it too late to get on the VIP list at the club this weekend? Dear Pontoof, I finally have this date with a really great guy in my office. He’s smart, very attractive, fun, and just got made a partner. I’m worried because I’m sure I’ll ruin the evening somehow. I’ll knock over the wine, or spill salad dressing or marinara sauce on my blouse, or make a mess trying to break my bread apart. I’m such a klutz. And I can be sure I’ll have spinach stuck on my teeth. Do you think I should make up an excuse not to go? B. Wilderd Dear Wilderd… Is it too late to get spayed? *** KISSS Seeking man of dreams. syllabulsarranged@hotmail.com *** Pimp My Job: Dear Dream Team, I'm in the creative marketing company of a leading beverage industry company. We've coming out with a new sports drink. I said we should call it "Spew," you know, like "bursting forth," or cascading, or abounding. Somebody said that "spew" had negative connotations. Like what? I thought there was no such thing as a bad idea, especially when we are supposed to be brainstorming. It was like they poured ice water on me. Tosser Dear Tosser, Rejoice in your creativity. You are ahead of your time. Words change in meaning over the years. For example, back at the turn of the 20th Century “gay” meant happy. In the 1970s, you could lose weight as part of the “AYDS Reducing Plan.” In England, you can still smoke a “fag” (cigarette). Hold your ground. In 300 years, “Spew” will likely mean something wonderful, like “a fountainous geyser of delight.” You will be recognized as the visionary that you are, and the thousands of employees whose salaries were generated by your creativity will hang your picture in their living room. Dream Team To the PMJ Experts, I went into the store to buy some stuff during my lunch hour yesterday, some Coleman fuel for camping, some Muriatic Acid and acetone for cleaning my driveway and my paint brushes, a couple of cases of kitchen matches for camping and a barrel of iodine crystals for water purification when I'm backpacking and several big cases of Psuedoephedrine for my allergies that flare up this time of year. They called the cops. Said I was setting up a meth lab. What's up with that? Edgy Dear Edgy, Tell them it was all a methunderstanding. The DTs Dear PMJ Dream Team: I dont' feel very pretty - red nose, baggy eyes, droopy all over. Sad and sorry for myself
You need a change in attitude. Recently I was packing for a trip to France and my wife said, “Stay away from the French women.” And I thought, “HA! What lithe French woman fantasizes about a whirlwind relationship with a middle-aged, 50-pound-overweight American with a comb-over?” But then I thought, “Well, maybe I’m selling myself a little short, n’est c’est pas?” So I went to France determined to be a stud, and you know what? It turns out that lithe French women really DON’T fantasize about a whirlwind relationship with a middle-aged, 50-pound-overweight American with a comb-over. But that’s not the point. Oh, sure, you have a red nose, baggy eyes and you’re droopy all over. Turn the negatives into positives—for example, with those attributes you could easily win the “hound” category at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. You could also be a stand-in for Fleagle if “The Banana Splits” ever tour again. Onward! Upward! T.O. *** Dear Pontoof: I am deeply troubled. I am sitting here eating my salad and I have completely lost any and all appetite. Nothing tastes good to me. In fact, food has no taste at all. I feel so empty, like a big swimming pool without any water. I bristle at everything that touches me, as if I have become hypersensitive to touch, but I feel no emotion. I’m sure that everyone who looks at me is judging me, so I look at no one. Do I need help? Downhearted and Drowning Dear Double D, Are you going to eat that salad? Pontoof *** Church Job Fair Come to the Church of Serenity Job fair, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., April 1, 2006, at 1701Chlamydia Court, Fairfax, Va. We'll pray that we all get jobs, that the people who fired us get sick, and that something happens to the people who have jobs we want and they have to quit so that a spot opens up and we can get hired. This is all very basic stuff. You'll be glad you came. *** Marketing Specialist - Fruits and Vegetables, Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Va. Central Intelligence Agency looking to hire 25 fruits and vegetables marketing specialists to run international clandestine operations. Must pass exam on difference between apples and oranges, “tomayto” vs. “tomahto” and the eyes of the potatoe. Visit www.cia.gov for details. *** Community Relations Manager, Foundation to Put Ribbons on the Backs of Cars to Show Support for People who Put Ribbons on the backs of Their Cars, Herndon, VA *** Public Affairs Specialist, Special Prosecutors Office, Something that happened a long time ago, Washington, DC Respond in confidence to KenStarr@justice.gov *** Crisis Communications, Save The Leprechauns, South Boston, Alabama See for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8. Lepruchauns are not only misunderstood, they are subject to persecution. The armed struggle begins. The stakes are high. jobs@lepruchaunrepublicanarmy.org *** Ratings Inflater, Al Franken Show, Air America, Leftwing radio, Los Flobotomos, CA Send resume and cover letter describing how you will kiss Al Franken’s ass to bubbles@airamerica.net. *** Publicist, Dick Wolf Productions, Hollywood, Calif. DWP is looking for a young, aggressive personality with street smarts and media savvy to help promote several new DWP television series, including CSI Mankato/Eagle Lake/Good Thunder; Law & Order / Mealy Mouth Defendants; Law & Order School Crossing Guards; Law & Order Peevish Medical Examiners; and Law & Order / USDA Meat Inspectors; Law & Order / S&M "Binding Arbitration"; Law & Order / Transit Police; Law & Order / Truant Officers; Law & Order Meter Maids; and Law & Order / Cops in Crown Vics. Send resume to dickjob@dwphollywood.com *** Community Outreach Advocate, Claymation Characters of America, Burbank, CA CCA is seeking a PR representative to further the community goals and aspirations of clay figures in the entertainment industries. Claymation figures only. Must provide your own Gumbometer. CCA invites figures of all colors and head shapes. *** Photo Editor, National Hike Naked Day Foundation, Harpers Ferry, West Virginia Send portfolio (just the bare necessities) to Flash@NHNDF.org. *** Director of Corporate Communications, ComQuest Customer Care Center, DIRCOM.Jobs.HR@mabuhay.wv.us.com *** Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, Ambassadog Program, United States *** Communications Specialist (on site), International Reconstruction Effort to Rebuild This Country To Make It More Like Our Country, Jerkoffistan *** Strategic Communicator, Task Force Task Force, U.S. Navy, Washington, DC The navy has many task forces brought togther to help align and create dynamic synergies for various mission-oriented processes that reach across all levels and organizations in a flat-matrixed manner. Help us align the collaborative efforts of the various ad hoc tasks forces established to systematically formalize the creation and sustainment of ad hoc task forces design to provide a synergistic approach to overarching programmatic concepts and conceptual efforts. Must have ad hoc task force experience. www.navy.jobs.mil *** Marcom Expert, Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones, Rosslyn, VA New Organization Seeks Marcom Staff New Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones looking for skilled marketing and communication experts to combat growing abuse of SUV drivers using mobile telephones. Work from your very own SUV and mobile telephone to develop stalking points for drivers of small hybrid vehicles. Must have drivers license and a willingness to take on anti-SUV mobile telephone extremists. For more, visit www.stopsuvs.org. *** Sponsorship Director, Hobo Olympics, Grants, New Mexico *** Director of Outreach, National Society of gropers and inappropriate grabbers, Houston, Texas www.stabbinandgrabbin.org/reachoutandtouch/job *** SPECIAL EVENTS COORDINATOR, GLAMMOGRAMS, New York, NY Join the excitement! Glammograms ("Bringing Fashion to Mash-Em") is the all-new haute couture mammogram company that's everyone's talking about. We recently announced a partnership with Yum Enterprises to co-locate our retail outlets in 36 Dunkin-Donut franchises in the New York and New England area. Help us unveil our 36 DD Glammogram sites as we engage in a "full court press" blitz this summer. Our next challenge will be to open Glammogram outlets at Blimpie sandwich shops at truckstops across America. Previous experience not required. Send resume and work samples to jobs@glammograms.com. Prestigious skating federation seeks men, women and pairs to put on totally forgettable performances while the rest of the world oohs and ahhs over the latest Russian skaters. You could walk on water, fly like an eagle and twist like an F5 tornado; it does not matter. The Russians are going to get the gold, but there's nothing wrong with silver, n'est-ce pas? Some skating ability required; must be able to withstand withering criticism from Dick Button and coaches who believe that they are bigger than the sport, even though they were only mediocre skaters at best themselves. Shiny teeth only, please; U.S. citizenship not necessary, we'll take care of it. Resume and video clips to: USSF, 1980 Do You Believe In Miracles Avenue, Lake Placid, N.Y. 10993. No hockey players, please.
*** TARGET OF SCORN, Harpo Productions, Chicago, IL Legendary TV show host/magazine publisher/benefactor/force of nature seeks someone to do something really stupid so as to inflict maximum sanctimonious self-righteous wrath. Liars/cheaters/snooty store clerks/former reality show contestants encouraged; Dr. Phil rejects need not apply. Three-minute video clip showing your scorn potential to: Harpo Productions, That Really Big Building, Chicago, Ill. 60606. *** Faculty Yearbook Advisor, Hippiechick High School, Hippiechik, Mich. The last one got caught with his fingers in the cookie jar, if you know what we mean.
You’ll be liking working here in Arlington, near where everyone who is anything is always making that which is happening. You’ll be researching, planning, executing and evaluating, all in helping establishing our association and our cause. Sending your resume to us is starting to be sounding like a pretty good idea. HR@gerunding.org *** Web Editor/Content manager, Snow Mobile Alcoholics Stuck in Hospitals (SMASH), Rheinlander, Wisconsin Help us plow new snow:
- SMASH members are healthcare experts. The average length of stay for snowmobilers admitted to specialized trauma units was 11 days in 2003-04; those whose injuries only required general hospital care stayed an average of six days. Send your work samples, video tapes and resume to HR@SMASH.org. You may be required to audition. *** Member Relations, Cat Hoarders Society, Goochland, Virginia Keep track of the many people who horde as many cats as they can in their little houses. Maintain the Cat Hoarders database to help determine who has the most cats (dead or alive) in their homes. Coordinate the annual awards program for the most cats in a single dwelling, as well as the Golden Carcass Award for the cat that’s been dead the longest but still sitting on the sofa. *** Director of Development and Governmental Affairs, National Associations of Send cover letter, envelope with cash and resume and lucky number to lottawampum@bingo.gov *** Communications Director, National Association of Anonymous Sources, Rosslyn, VA Can't tell you much about this job. You'll have to sign a confidentiality statement and non-disclosure agreement. You will not be able to disclose the nature of the non-disclosure | ||
