JOTW Communicators Horoscope for February 2007
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Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19): Somebody was hurt in some kind of accident, so the assignment editor and producer decide this is a good time for a live standup. You can’t get near the scene of the incident, so you stake out a spot two blocks away, so that when you go live you can say, “The incident occurred just a few blocks from here earlier today.” Now that’s television! You will be recognized on the street, but they think you’re the weather guy.
Gratis the Community Relations Manager (April 20-May 20): To show your CEO is a man of the people, you and your staff will make a giant chalk illustration on the sidewalk in front of the headquarters building down town, showing the boss as St. Francis of Assisi, and al the important local officials as little animals gazing up at him longingly.
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21): Brace yourself for an augment about whether or not “bling” is a verb.
Barnum the Publicist (June 21-July 22). You will pick up your kid at school and help load the bookbag into the back as you overhear one of his friends tell him “Your Mom is so hot! She has an awesome tattoo.”
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23-Aug. 22): You interview the CEO for the company newsletter and record the conversation for a webcast. You have to excise so many expletives you earn the title of the “Grim Bleeper.”
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22): Your new boss calls you “Muffintop,” which you think is cute and makes you smile, until your best friend tells you what it means.
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23): You get a cell phone call in the subway. Everyone is watching you. You answer “This is Command Module Outpost Delta –Twelve. I am under attack. Send reinforcements. I am low on oxygen. Life support systems are minimal. All systems failing. This is my last transmission.”
Porous the Civil Servant Office Manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): Your new boss is a Strategarius, and came from the “private” sector. Knowing that a Porous and a Strategarius can’t possibly get along, you ask for a transfer. While eating yogurt you spill some on your tie. Everyone notices except you, but nobody tells you anything.
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):You get “Barbie Girl” by Aqua stuck in your head. You write a “think piece” for Communication World where you demonstrate how Freecell and Minesweeper hone your skills and bring out your creative productivity, especially while you are on hold with a call center, and with measurable results. This helps you rationalize how you charge gametime to your clients.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your month will get off to a great start when you come back from vacation to the Mayan ruins in Mexico, and when you drive into work and there is hardly any traffic. You find a terrific parking space for a change. When you get inside there is no furniture, and you realize that the company downsized and moved while you were gone.
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18): You are alone in the elevator with the CEO and you decide to chat it up with the boss. He replies to you, “My name is not ‘Dude.’”
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your “take charge” art director has the network upgraded to Windows <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Vista, which is incompatible with all your existing software packages. To show he hasn’t forgotten “you Mac people,” he upgrades your standalone Mac Pro to an evaluation copy of OS X Leopard with Time Machine disabled. IT promises to have your machine up and running within a week. Because deadlines can’t wait, the art director brings in some clip art books, X-Acto knives and rubber cement.
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