Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21-April 19)
This year, you resolve to be less vain and nicer to your colleagues—except for Skippy the Intern, who misplaced the hose to your vat of hair spray that you keep in your office. As far as you’re concerned, he can go to hell.
Gratis the Community Relations Manager (April 20-May 20)
This year, you resolve to put the “community” back in “community relations,” starting with a venti mocha latte Frappacino from your local Starbucks.
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21-June 20)
This yere, you reslove to do beter, as you’re job depenz on it.
Barnum the Publicist (June 21-July 22)
This year, you resolve to seek revenge on the assistant editor of OK magazine, who called you last month and taunted you to come up with a better story than Britney Spears’ sister getting pregnant.
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23-Aug. 22)
This year, you resolve to try “tough love” on your reporters, especially when they come to you with story ideas such as “the 50th anniversary of double-ply toilet paper.”
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This year, you resolve to add “indemnification” to your job description; the sooner, the better.
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
This year, you resolve to come up with the next “Head On: Apply Directly Where it Hurts” ad campaign, even if it costs you the last of your dignity.
Pourus the Civil Servant Office Manager (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
This year, you resolve to say the words “flex time” without flinching.
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This year, you resolve to apologize to your mother for sending her an invoice when all she asked for was a decent meat loaf recipe.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This year, you resolve to try to go an entire year without violating any of the provisions of the IABC Code of Ethics or, failing that, lasting longer than you did last year (three weeks).
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This year, you resolve to get that stain out of your supervisor’s jacket, no matter how long it takes.
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19-March 20)
This year, you resolve to wear all black, all day, every day, to prove your individuality as a graphic designer.