JOTW 13-2011 Add 1


JOTW 13-2011 Add 1

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A new one-day conference from IASC – Self Communicating

Hear Jim Shaffer, Shel Holtz, Roger D’Aprix and Jim Lukaszewski, ABC, APR, IASC Fellow, AAGG, FFWH tell you about how they tell you about them. Sign up today, for their sake.

www.iasc.com/conferences/me

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NON-DISCRIMINATION STATEMENT:

It is the policy of JOTW not to discriminate in employment, education, pillow and mattress preference, toilet paper selection, public accommodation, form of public transportation, or public service on the basis of religion, race, color, national origin, age, sex, marital status, sexual orientation, gender identity, height, weight, arrest/discipline/complaint/time out/pissed people off record, veteran status, disability, or other classifications as required or somehow dreamed up by applicable U.S. federal, state, county, water and sanitation district, or local law. Direct inquiries to the Equity/Compliance Officer, JOTW Department of Compliance, Compliance Outsourcing Center, 23 Cricket Court, area near fish prier, Mumbai, India.

Warning: Do not drink alcoholic beverages and operate heavy machinery while reading this newsletter. May cause dizziness, dengue fever, scabies, internal miasma, sore feelings, agitation, temporary insanity, permanent sanity, acid reflux or ingrown hairs if swallowed whole. Do not swallow whole if pregnant. May cause steroid reaction and hairy palms. Do not chew, suck, masticate, or lick. Take with liquor.

JOTW 13-2011 Add 1

March 32, 2011

“These are my wakeup cupcakes, some anti-depressants, and a cell phone book”

– Courtney Love

“您喜欢来到新加坡”

– Guy who works at Golden Dragon

Welcome to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for

professional communicators, dedicated to the positive and unanticipated consequences of “nedworking,” whatever that means.

The concept really isn’t that hard. JOTW is a cooperative service that relies on the cooperation of its members to cooperate with others who also cooperate with the cooperating membership, which cooperates as a collective of cooperators. Got that? Good. Now, start cooperating.

The whole “free” thing throws people for a loop, too. It is. Free. But that doesn’t mean you just sit back and expect somebody else to put everything together every week for your benefit and you don’t have to do or contribute or share ANYTHING. Or does it.

In this FREE issue which you didn’t have to do or pay anything to get:

*** One Paragraph Pitch

1.) Executive Editor, Four-day contract, American Broadcast News Service, New York, NY

2.) Faculty position, Associate Professor of Corporate Communications, Paul Ruebens School of Visual Communication, University of California at Topanga Canyon, Topanga, CA

3.) DIGITAL JOKE WRITER, NEW YORK

4.) Vice President, Six Degrees of Harvey Smilovitz, Arlington, Va.

5.) Director of Community Relations, the Lebron James Institute, Cleveland, Ohio

6.) Senior Corresponent, Modern Dictator, Washington, D.C.

7.) Brand Manager, REDIT Corp., Armonk, N.Y.

8.) Vice President of Public Affairs, Knitting Needles Are Not Weapons of Mass Destruction, Arlington, Va.

9.) SURLY COMMUNICATOR, LTF INC., LOUISVILLE, KY.

10.) MARCOM specialist, George Foreman® 2-in-One Airplane grill, As-Seen-On-TV, Union City, New Jersey

11.) Event Manager and Website Coordinator, Rick Astley Look-a-like Festival, Bullfrog, Nevada

12.) Director of Outreach and Advocacy, Institute of Defensive Eating, Alexandria, VA

13.) Community Relations Specialist, Workout Imposters, Inc., Palo Alto, CA

14.) Marketing Communications, The IRS Store, Spitonia, Mich.

15.) PR Intern, World Russian Toilette Tournament, Sparks, Nevada

16.) Director of Communications, People's Supreme Court, Studio City, CA

17.) Creative Director, Navel Institute Press, Annapolis, Md.

18.) Self-Communicator (Work from Home)

19.) Promotion Specialist, Wii Public Relations—The Game, Seattle, Wash.

20.) FAT GUY AND HOT SLENDER WOMAN, ABC-TV, Los Angeles, CA

21.) FOOD TASTER, Ghadaffi Enterprises, Tripoli, Libya

22.) Creative Website Manager, “Hair Wars with Phil Spector,” Fox Television Studios, NewsCorp, Van Nuys, Calif.

23.) Director of Development and Constituent Communications, Foundation for Productive Procrastination, Frantic, CT

24.) Communication manager, Judge Judy Institute of Conflict Resolution, NY, NY

25.) Publicist, Desperate Housewives of Goochland County, Short Pump, Virginia

26.) Dog abuser, Puppy mill, Dander, Newfoundland

27.) Communications Director, Tareq Salahi Institute for Ethics and Veracity, Washington, DC

28.) Public Relations and Inductions Officer, Michaele Salahi Center for Convenient Substance Abuse and Celebrity Rehabilitation, Polo Grounds, Virginia

29.) Editor, Waterboarding Monthly, The Farm, Loudon County, Virginia

30.) Association of Corporate Donors to Legislative Boondoggles, Washington, DC

31.) Director of Kerplink, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

32.) Director of Kerplank, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

33.) Director of Kerplunk, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

34.) Brand Extension Account Executive, Brittany Spear’s new “Commando” line of lingerie, Tampon Springs, Florida

35.) Publicist and Media Relations Coordinator, Desperate Skanky Trailer Park Trash Housewives of Goochland County, Short Pump, Virginia

36.) Program Outreach and Advocacy, Dental Floss Reutilization Stimulus Fund, Alexandria, Virginia

38.) Production Supervisor, “Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent blinding flashing nuclear tipped laser guided and totally tricked out torpedo of Truth,” Brentwood, Calif.

39.) Certified Professional hacker, Eastern European Hackers Congress, Boogersglav, Hackistan

40.) Sports Information Director, Tournament of Hoses Parade and Hose Bowl football classic, City of Dollar Stores, California

41.) Talent Scout, People of Wal-mart, Bentonville, Arkansas

42.) Media Relations/Sports Information Director/Coffee Fetcher, NCAA Division I Final 136 “March and April Madness”

43.) Special Events Coordinator, Gilbert Gottfried Center for Serious Comedy, Burbank, CA

…and more than you expected!

*** One Haiku Pitch:

(From Bob Verdun, ABC:)

Please consider me.

I am quite reliable;

And make good coffee.

(From Vanessa Lincoln:)

I’m not desperate;

Although to the untrained ear,

I might sound that way.

(From Nigel Turntable:)

Looking for a change.

Actually, I need change;

Must pay Comcast bill.

(From Milton Longfellow:)

I’m a hard worker;

And the restraining order

Expires in two weeks.

(From Bernice, back in the workforce after raising six kids):

Excellent typist;

Twenty-two words a minute;

Awaiting your call!

*** A JOTW “Can’t Wait” Opportunity From—Ooops, too late. Sorry, nevermind…

*** JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz for March 32, 2011:

Q. This seminal band crafted mystical melodies and imaginative lyrics into a series of hits, including “Have A Cigar (Which May Just Be A Cigar);” “Mother” and “Comfortably Mum.”

(Answer below)

*** Carter: I’m a better ex-president than Lincoln

Former President Jimmy Carter told reporters yesterday that he should be remembered as one of the best ex-presidents ever. “If you look at it, I did more after I left office than most presidents. I’ve accomplishment more than Abraham Lincoln did after he left office, for example,” he said.

*** Correction:

The Marketing and Communications Director for the Egg and Chicken Association of America was posted in error and has been reclassified and posted as the Director of Communications and Marketing for the American Chicken and Egg Association.

*** Deal me in!

All-day webinar from Dave Van der Walle at Area 51:

Playing Solitaire will increase your productivity by as much a 12 %. Here’s the deal. Stay sharp and focused, because down time is dead time. Keep your fingers moving, and stack those decks. I’ll teach you to truly multitask in just eight weeks. Special rate for JOTW subscribers: Just $349.50

***Can’t argue with this:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

*** A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

*** Let’s get to the jobs (sigh):

1.) Executive Editor, Four-day contract, American Broadcast News Service, New York, NY

This is a long-weekend position to backfill executive editor while he is drunk and hung over. Must be able to find way around messy desk. Ability to read scribbled unintelligible notes on backs of restaurant receipts desirable. Building is non-smoking, but you might be able to get away with it by an open window.

www.americanbroadcastnews..com/editorial/wakeup/comeopndammitwakeup

2.) Faculty position, Associate Professor of Corporate Communications, Paul Ruebens School of Visual Communication, University of California at Topanga Canyon, Topanga, CA

Must have real-world experience. Tell kids the world out there really sucks.

www.UCTC.edu/employment/faculty/PRSVC/peeweechasirofindecentexposure

3.) DIGITAL JOKE WRITER, NEW YORK

Good pay and benefits. Send your best digital jokes to: 1111010101011101 10000010010 1010101010101000 100111111001010, 10101010000111. No phone calls please.

4.) Vice President, Six Degrees of Harvey Smilovitz, Arlington, Va.

Resume to Yes@SeeTheHarveyBeTheHarvey.com.

5.) Director of Community Relations, the Lebron James Institute, Cleveland, Ohio

Candidate will work with local community to promote the Lebron James brand identity within Cleveland and greater Cuyahoga County. You supply the enthusiasm; we supply the training, talking points, bodyguard, body armor and new identity after six months. Resume to LJI, P.O. Box 6, Miami, Fla. 30045.

6.) Senior Corresponent, Modern Dictator, Washington, D.C.

Leading international magazine for today's established and emerging dictators seeks veteran writer for feature pieces, “feel good” stories and insightful interviews. Some travel. Beats include Libya; North Korea; Belarus; Sudan; and Montana. Resume and clips to: Modern Dictator, P.O. box 714, Washington, DC 20036. No phone calls please.

7.) Brand Manager, REDIT Corp., Armonk, N.Y.

REDIT Corp., a wholly owned subsidiary of Tedir Enterprises, parent company of XIF Corp., XIFPRO Corp. and XIF Industries and holding company for REDIT LLC, seeks brand manager for its Happy Wonders Baby Foods product line. Resume to: REDIT Corp., P.O. Box 2340-K, Floor 5, Building C, West Campus, 7500 South Division Road (near the BP Station), Armonk, N.Y. 10504

8.) Vice President of Public Affairs, Knitting Needles Are Not Weapons of Mass Destruction, Arlington, Va.

Across this great land, thousands of women (and roughly three men) are being turned away at airports or detained by authorities while their belongings are subjected to search and seizure. Why? Because all they want to do is bring their knitting needles on planes. Knitting provides relaxation; is calming; and is ultimately productive, providing our Nation’s children, in-laws and friends with mittens, scarves, hats and lingerie. We seek a dynamic, media savvy communicator to develop and lead a campaign to permit these brave American women (and roughly three men) to exercise their freedom in our Nation’s skies. Resume to: Knitting is Not Terrorism, P.O. Box 3-7, Purl City, IL 61062.

9.) SURLY COMMUNICATOR, LTF INC., LOUISVILLE, KY.

Established services firm seeks Surly Communicator to balance department that has one too many Bubbly Personalities. Ideal candidate will arrive to work grouchy, dismiss ideas, whine about meetings and act as an overall pain in the butt. Must be fluent in grunting and sighing; sarcasm a plus. Excellent salary and benefits; promotion to management likely. Reply to grumpy@ltfinc.org.

10.) MARCOM specialist, George Foreman® 2-in-One Airplane grill, As-Seen-On-TV, Union City, New Jersey

They hardly don’t feed you anything anymore on those planes, even on the longest cross-country flights. That’s why I’ve invented my new George Foreman® 2-in-One Airplane grill, for grilling chops, seafood, steaks, ribs, and of course those all-American favorites burgers and dogs. Start your grill when your “wheels up” and by the time they come through with the drink cart everybody will want to know what that great smell is. George loves it. As does George. Now be careful about those shiska-bob skewer dealies because they can make the TSA folks a little uncooperative, but as long as you keep your lighter fluid in a small 3 oz. bottle or smaller, you’ll be cookin’! And make sure you get a George Foreman® 2-inOne Airplane grill apron with my picture on it, by George!

As the worldwide leaders in the contact grilling market with over 100 million grills sold worldwide, George Foreman® takes pride in being the first company in the category—and the first to offer in-air airline charcoal full-contact cook grills—and still leading the pack.

http://www.georgeforemancooking.com/?gclid=COTj2f2d-qcCFcTd4AodRjebsg

11.) Event Manager and Website Coordinator, Rick Astley Look-a-like Festival, Bullfrog, Nevada

www.togetherforever.com/employment/nevergonnagiveyouup

12.) Director of Outreach and Advocacy, Institute of Defensive Eating, Alexandria, VA

Solid professional communicator needed for vital position with association and foundation supporting and serving as a proponent of strategic consumption of food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it. Eat to win! WIN! WIN!

www.areyougoingtoeatthat.org/jobs/gobble/jj74ggsd93jjnn?utm/gizard

13.) Community Relations Specialist, Workout Imposters, Inc., Palo Alto, CA

If you like walking around in gym-like clothing to give the effect that you just came from a hard workout with your personal trainer, then this job is for you. Workout Imposters offers a complete line of water bottles, headbands, leggings, sports bras, cross-trainer footwear that make our customers feel great about themselves, even though they haven’t been to a gym in weeks. Discounts for you and your imposter friends.

https://workoutimposters.com/careers/73jddco

14.) Marketing Communications, The IRS Store, Spitonia, Mich.

Help IRS launch its new chain of retail stores in low-rent strip malls and shopping plazas. Everyone will want an IRS baby-doll pullover, gold polo, embroidered leather jacket and other IRS-branded sportswear and novelties such as IRS ovals and “I love my tax bill!” Join the team! Must pass background check and have no outstanding tax liens or liabilities.

www.usajobs.gov.irs.marketingcommunications.633jd887f0k

15.) PR Intern, World Russian Toilette Tournament, Sparks, Nevada

Motivated student sought to support major sports event at exciting Nevada gaming facility. Russian Toilette is not only a gripping spectator sport, but a lucrative pari-mutuel wagering opportunity. How do you play Russian Toilette? Players must take turns on the throne. Player who is stuck without toilet paper (this is a sudden death single-elimination tournament) is wiped out. Both singles and team matches will be featured at the 2011 World Russian Toilette Tournament.

www.wrtt22011.com/jobs/internship/PR

16.) Director of Communications, People's Supreme Court, Studio City, CA

Seeking public-minded servant to manage all public affairs, media relations and external outreach and advocacy for the People's Supreme Court, the highest televised courtroom reality show in the land. This program examines cases from a constitutional basis, and litigant cases will be adjudicated by a panel of judges:

Chief Justice Joseph Wapner (The People's Court) Associate Justice Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy) Associate Justice Marilyn Milian (The People's Court) Associate Justice Greg Mathis (Judge Mathis) Associate Justice Joe Brown (Judge Joe Brown) Associate Justice Mablean Ephriam (Divorce Court) Associate Justice Alex Ferrer (Judge Alex) Associate Justice Mills lane (Judge Mills Lane) Associate Justice David Young (Judge David Young) Associate Justice David “Associate” Justice (New York Mets)

Join us as we take on numerous cases this year, including: Snooki vs. Al's Jersey Shore Bar; 485 leftover “Who's My Baby's Daddy” cases from “Maury;” The $35 Security Deposit Refund; and “He Took My TV–Oh No I Didn't That TV was MINE–Oh Yeah, Then How Come I Have A Credit Card Receipt?” We also need Bailiffs who are built like Kimbo Slice. Resume to: The People's Supreme Court, Room 666, Studio City, Calif. 90028.

17.) Creative Director, Navel Institute Press, Annapolis, Md.

Think tank seeks introspective, contemplative extrovert. With creative flair. Is that asking for too much? We hope not. Resume to shrimpahoy@nip.net.

18.) Self-Communicator (Work from Home)

Blog seeks self-communicator. Must be self-starter. What else do you want us to say? Itsallaboutme@Me.com.

19.) Promotion Specialist, Wii Public Relations—The Game, Seattle, Wash.

Help us promote the most exciting new game from Wii, Wii Public Relations—The Game. You start as an intern at a trade association and work your way up to Senior Vice President while jumping up and down in front of your TV. Just like real life! Resume and cover letter to Wii, P.O. Box 349, Seattle, WA 99833.

20.) FAT GUY AND HOT SLENDER WOMAN, ABC-TV, Los Angeles, CA

Major TV studio seeks Fat Guy to be paired up with Attractive, Slender Woman to be married couple for sitcom. No agents. Auditions will take place at ABC Studios, Burbank, Calif., on Saturday, April 2 at 9:30 a.m.

21.) FOOD TASTER, Ghadaffi Enterprises, Tripoli, Libya

Short-term position, excellent survivor benefits. Immediate opening. Mm_mm_good@LibyaBurning.com

22.) Creative Website Manager, “Hair Wars with Phil Spector,” Fox Television Studios, NewsCorp, Van Nuys, Calif.

https://newscorp.taleo.net/careersection/fox_external_career_section/jobdetail.ftl?lang=en&job=39449/#/hotNewJobs/Canyouhairmenow?

23.) Director of Development and Constituent Communications, Foundation for Productive Procrastination, Frantic, CT

Send resume by April 1, or whenever.

www.putitoff.org/jobs

24.) Communication manager, Judge Judy Institute of Conflict Resolution, NY, NY

www.shutupyouloose.com/employment/communicationmanager

25.) Publicist, Desperate Housewives of Goochland County, Short Pump, Virginia

http://abc.go.com/shows/desperate-housewives/employment/goochlandcounty/shestrailertrashandyouknowit

26.) Dog abuser, Puppy mill, Dander, Newfoundland

www.woof.ca

27.) Communications Director, Tareq Salahi Institute for Ethics and Veracity, Washington, DC

www.bogusbeatrodbimbo.com/jobs/whatever

28.) Public Relations and Inductions Officer, Michaele Salahi Center for Convenient Substance Abuse and Celebrity Rehabilitation, Polo Grounds, Virginia

www.isthisagoatropeorwhat.com/jobs

29.) Editor, Waterboarding Monthly, The Farm, Loudon County, Virginia

Must have a TS/SCT -TK clearance, a strong stomach, and a sense of humor.

http://jobview.usajobs.gov/GetJob.aspx?JobID=97933960&JobTitle=editor+or+something+like+that%2c+GS-1035-14+(Open+to+All+U.S.+Citizens+but+not+to+anyone+with+a+real+funny+name)+TRO&q=public+affairs&editorial&serviceswhere=Icantellyoubutiwouldhavetokillyou&brd=3876&vw=b&FedEmp=N&FedPub=Y&x=0&y=0&AVSDM=2011-03-22+00%3a03%3a00&brd=3876&vw=b&FedEmp=N&FedPub=Y&x=0&y=0&AVSDM=2011-03-21+09%3a39%3a0

30.) Association of Corporate Donors to Legislative Boondoggles, Washington, DC

www.greenbriarresort.com/jobs/marcom/boondoggle

31.) Director of Kerplink, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

http://umaine.edu/blueberries/jobs/kerplink

32.) Director of Kerplank, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

http://umaine.edu/blueberries/jobs/kerplank

33.) Director of Kerplunk, Maine Wild Blueberry Commission, Orono, Maine

http://umaine.edu/blueberries/jobs/kerplunk

34.) Brand Extension Account Executive, Brittany Spear’s new “Commando” line of lingerie, Tampon Springs, Florida

www.verylimitedbrands.com/jobs/commando/brandAE

35.) Publicist and Media Relations Coordinator, Desperate Skanky Trailer Park Trash Housewives of Goochland County, Short Pump, Virginia

www.metzertrailerpark.com/goochlandcountycable/publicist2011April/9089jk4k.ijhi&fcsb?skanky

36.) Program Outreach and Advocacy, Dental Floss Reutilization Stimulus Fund, Alexandria, Virginia

www.americanflosscouncil.org/reutilization/outreach

37.) Press Secretary, International Congress of Ousted and Exiled Dictators, Pyongyang, Peoples Democratic Republic of Korea

축출하고 독재자 추방 국제 대회

www.icoed.org/careers/presssecretary.7893hh0djnchdteg28hskkhjsoiew7293

38.) Production Supervisor, “Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent blinding flashing nuclear tipped laser guided and totally tricked out torpedo of Truth,” Brentwood, Calif.

www.iamawinner.com/topedooftruth

39.) Certified Professional hacker, Eastern European Hackers Congress, Boogersglav, Hackistan

Job description and application only available encrypted behind firewall. First candidate to hack and submit will be selected. Open until closed.

www.eehc.com.ha/

40.) Sports Information Director, Tournament of Hoses Parade and Hose Bowl football classic, City of Dollar Stores, California

www.hosejobs.com/sports/76hhs94cd80mmsk266djs7j778

41.) Talent Scout, People of Wal-mart, Bentonville, Arkansas

This Little Piggy Went To Walmart

42.) Media Relations/Sports Information Director/Coffee Fetcher, NCAA Division I Final 136 “March and April Madness”

136-seed Kathryn Gibbs Finishing School takes on number 1 seed Duke in the opening round.

www.ncaa.org/studentatheletesmyass/final136/jobopps/SID

43.) Special Events Coordinator, Gilbert Gottfried Center for Serious Comedy, Burbank, CA

www.nobutseriouslyfolks.com/events/thearistocrats

*** Weekly Piracy Report:

There was nothing taken from anybody anywhere this week.

*** JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz for March 32, 2011:

Q. This seminal band crafted mystical melodies and imaginative lyrics into a series of hits, including “Have A Cigar (Which May Just Be A Cigar);” “Mother” and “Comfortably Mum.”

A. Pink Freud

*** Ball cap of the week: I (heart) my phlebotomist

*** Coffee Mug of the Day: What’s in this mug anyway?

*** T-Shirt of the day: Duh, WINNING!

*** Today's featured musical accompaniment: Snoosh

*** The new, recommended, optional, suggested JOTW policy that asks people who submit listings on behalf of their employer consider maybe possibly sending a company stock, options, or large sums of cash to JOTW, maybe, perhaps.

How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network when I get around to it. It's that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Most everyone just assumes I don’t want any money for it, so they don’t send any. But if every person who wanted me to post their stupid job sent me $300 I could get my 1988 Volvo reupholstered. d I mention it was free?

Your cooperation is requested. Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com.

Feel free to share this newsletter. Feel free to forward opportunities. Do not copy words that I wrote and use them as your own. I throw these words in here just to see if someone is stupid enough to copy these words entirely from my newsletter without changing them.

To subscribe, or to add a new e-mail address for your subscription, send

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To change your address, do both. I can't do it for you.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You would do it anyway whether you were welcome or not.

http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or www.nedsjotw.com.

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC

+1 703 455-7661

lundquist989@cs.com

www.nedsjotw.com

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© Copyright 2010 The Job of the Week Network, LLC

“I may not understand what you say,

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