Special March 33rd edition of JOTW

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Networking! Enrichment! Development

It’s NED-Fest 2012. Connect. Cogitate. Communicate.

Today, March 33rd, at the Rubber Duck Café, Fern’s Country Store, Carlisle, Mass.

www.FernsCountryStore.com

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JOTW 13-2012 Add 1 March 33, 2012 www.nedsjotw.com This is JOTW newsletter number 911.5

 

“Words do not cost much. Yet they can be a bit much.” – Blaise Pascal

 

*** Welcome to the JOTW network.

*** Notice: Because 2012 is a leap year, there will be no March 32nd issue of the JOTW newsletter this year. The newsletter will be released on March 33rd, instead.

*** Top Jobs: Pay Ned and move to the top of the heap. Like you would slip a few bills to a bouncer, to get into a cool club, sort of. You can go. Not you. Like that.

*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network. Your friends can sign up by sending a blank e-mail to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.

*** You are among 11,519 subscribers in this community of communicators, as many people are incarcerated in the Massachusetts State Corrections System, according to Prison Count 2012, published by the Pew Center on the States (http://www.pewcenteronthestates.org/uploadedFiles/Prison_Count_2010.pdf?n=8 80).

*** This network is all about connecting communicators and sharing opportunities. Since this newsletter thing started more than ten years ago, Ned has no idea who reads his newsletter or if anyone ever gets an interview, let alone a job. He just keeps putting it out because he has always done it this way and he doesn’t know any better.

*** I can’t change your e-mail address for you. But you can. Send a blank e-mail from your old account to JOTW-unsubscribe@topica.com. Then send a blank e-mail from your new account to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com. Most of you have heard me say it a million times. But does that stop you from sending me these trite little notes: “Ned, I’m changing my email account. Since I am a loyal reader and devour every word of every issue, pleased change my email address and keep sending me your little newsletter.” Read every word? Read THIS!

*** JOTW expects executive search firms to make some financial consideration for using the JOTW network of communication professionals. But do they ever do so? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

In this issue:

(To view these jobs, scroll down to the listings in the content of this newsletter)

*** One Tweet Pitch

1.) Communications Director, Royal Society for the Preservation of the Over-Cooking of Food, Heaving House, Spewing upon Thames, London, UK

2.) TAPAS MASTER, TOPLESS TAPAS OF TENLEYTOWN, Washington, DC

3.) Director of Communication Policy for Budget Matters, Special Counsel for the Assistant Deputy Assistant to the Undersecretary for Obfuscation Regarding the Sequestration of the Federal Budget, Office of the Secretary of Self Defense, Washington, DC

4.) COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, NATIONAL CHAIN LETTER ASSOCIATION, WASHINGTON, DC

5.) EDITORIAL ASSISTANT, SOAP OPERA DIGEST, LOS ANGELES, CA

6.) Publicist, Act of Desperation Reality Show (starring real job seekers), City of Indiscretion, California

7.) Marketing Communication, “Save Derpy” campaign, Young Males Who Play With My Little Pony, Hasbro, Celestia, East Poppedagasket, Rhode Island

8.) Director of Outreach and External Affairs, International Association of Introverts, Inward Passage, Alaska

9.) SCAPEGOAT, Schleiermacher Corp., New York, NY

10.) Director of Electronic Media Outreach, Development and Foundation Relations, Anthony Weiner Institute of Honesty, Integrity and Maturity, Shenanigan Falls, NY

11.) BRAND MANAGER, Terminator Nanny Service, Los Angeles, CA

12.) VIEWER, Oprah Winfrey Network 13.) NIPPLE COVERER, Starbucks, Seattle, WA

14.) BOUNTY HUNTER, New Orleans Saints, New Orleans, La. 15.) EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, PEYTON’S PLACE, Denver, Colo.

16.) CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS/SPIN DOCTOR, John Edwards, Charlotte, N.C.

17.) VAMPIRES/ZOMBIES, Hollywood, Calif., and other locations

18.) WIRETAPPING EXPERT, Sun Newspapers, London, UK

19.) PROOFREADER, National Pubic Accountability Project, Washington, D.C.

20.) PUBLICIST, National 43-Man Squamish League, St. Louis, Mo.

21.) COMMUNICATIONS INTERN, Occupy Wall Street, New York

22.) COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, PURGATORY

23.) GUY IN LAB COAT, Los Angeles, CA

24.) NOSE MODEL, confidential client, New York, NY

25.) PRESIDENT AND CEO, CARROLLTON PUBLIC RELATIONS CORP., Dallas, TX

26.) PROGRAMMER, Classic Rock Station, The Heart of R-O-C-K in the USA

27.) APOLOGIST, Metro, Washington, D.C.

28.) PROMOTIONAL DIRECTOR, SEIZURE WORLD, Sarasota, Fla.

29.) BRAND DEVELOPER, ANGIOPLASTY’S LIST, Bethesda, Md.

30.) PUBLICIST, “THE CAT IN THE HAT STRIKES BACK,” UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, Burbank, Calif.

31.) MARKETING COMMUNICATIONS, Leinenkugel Ultra Ice Lite High-Fiber Autumn Mint Whole Grain Strawberry Harvest Bock, Leinenkugel Brewing Co., Chippewa Falls, Wis.

32.) AD SALES, The Rush Limbaugh Show, Excellence in Broadcasting USA

33.) WEB DESIGNER, AMERICAN CASH REGISTER CORP., Maumee, Ohio

34.) Children’s Gaming and Gambling Education Coordinator, Fox Urine Casino, Mashuntucket Pequot Nation, Fort Grumble, Connecticut

*** Weekly Piracy Report

…and more! Scroll down and see them all!

*** ONE Tweet PITCH: In keeping with trends in social media, JOTW has changed its One-Paragraph Pitch to the One-Tweet Pitch. This enables us to accommodate multiple tweets in the same amount of space:

@robertnickolitis: thinking about hiring an ex-convict? How about starting with me? I’ll be out in three weeks; contact me!

@PartyGirlLisa: Looking for an awesome PR job! If U have one, I can meet U at Tattoo Bar 2nite after 10 p.m. I’ll be wearing beads!

@OldGuy: Looking for one last job before I retire. Tried to find one on The Google but no luck; same with The Yahoo. Now trying The Twitter. Give me a try, I’m a real hep cat.

(Send your One Tweet Pitch submissions to lundquist989@cs.com. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s wicket short and to the point. There is a short waiting list.)

*** A SPECIAL OFFER FROM NED’S YOUR VERY NEXT STEP

So there you are on a plane, heading to your next conference or business meeting, when suddenly the pilot, appearing disheveled and with a strange gleam in his eye, emerges from the cockpit and marches up and down the aisle, babbling about anthrax and prophetic messages about The Apocalypse that appear in the latest Justin Bieber CD. Or the flight attendant, while demonstrating the latest in airline seat belt technology, abruptly begins to advise passengers what to do in case the plane gets pulled into the moon’s orbit.

Don’t you just HATE it when that happens?

Now, you can protect yourself from insane pilots, wacky flight attendants, loony check-in clerks and bug-eyed baggage handlers with DisruptAssure from Ned’s Your Very Next Step, your trusted advisor in travel. With DisruptAssure, you have the satisfaction and security of knowing that you are protected from airline employee rants, raves, flip-outs and meltdowns. All for as little as $59.99 per year.*

DisruptAssure was developed by Ned Lundquist, ABC, a seasoned business traveler who has flown more than 50,000 miles in the past five years and has seen it all, from drunken behavior, narcolepsy, altitude sickness and even delusions of grandeur (and that was just Italy). DisruptAssure protects you in the event of bizarre airline employee behavior, which, as recent news reports have shown, is on the rise. Should such behavior occur while you are at the gate, on the plane or in the air, DisruptAssure will reimburse you for the flight, plus any ancillary expenses that might occur as a result of the disruption (DISCLAIMER: Assuming you survive.)

For more information, visit Ned’s Your Very Next Step at http://www.yourverynextstep.com/. Take your very next step with DisruptAssure, and eliminate the airheads from your air travel!

(*Does not cover factually proven reasons for erratic behavior, such as the prophetic messages that really do appear on the latest Justin Bieber CD. For example, if you play “Boyfriend” backwards, you hear Selena Gomez reciting Revelation 9:6.)

*** Don’t forget to share your adventures, travel tips, gear reviews, vacation suggestions and other adventure/outdoor/travel news and views with Ned at lundquist989@cs.com for inclusion in the April issue of YVNS. Tell us about the time you woke up in the parking lot at Atlantic City, and what really happened under the boardwalk.

Visit www.yourverynextstep.com.

*** IABC 2012 World Conference

Join more than 1,400 communication professionals who can’t wait to hear what Steve Crecenzo has to say this year.

http://wc.iabc.com/register/

*** Hazardous Careers Opportunities Newsletter

RADCON 1, companion newsletter to JOTW, lists dangerous, hazardous, poisonous, and otherwise dead-end career opportunities every week. Sign up for free. Send a blank email to RADCON1-subscribe@topica.com.

*** CORRECTION:

Last Week’s JOTW Rock ‘n Roll Trivia Quiz provided the wrong answer to the question, “How did Mama Cass Elliott die?” Cass Elliott did not, as we reported, die from a burst of anti-aircraft shells fired from the top of the Capitol Records building in Los Angeles; in fact, she choked on a ham sandwich. We regret the error and respectfully request that Mark Sofman, who submitted the incorrect answer, please return the prize (a $25 Border’s gift certificate) we awarded him before we learned the truth. This was brought to our attention by Jim Parsons, who knew the answer because he bought that very sandwich on eBay. At least that’s what they said it was.

*** Let’s get to the jobs:

1.) Communications Director, Royal Society for the Preservation of the Over-Cooking of Food, Heaving House, Spewing upon Thames, London, UK www.commdir.careers.RSPOCF.co.uk

2.) TAPAS MASTER, TOPLESS TAPAS OF TENLEYTOWN, Washington, DC

Top-rated tapas trattoria, the toast of Tenleytown seeks Topless “TaTas” Tapasmaster to take our tapas to the “tratosphere.” Our motto: “Todos los tipos de tapas y las tetas.” Training, tutelage provided. Top wages, tips. Tap us at Tim@ToplessTapas.net.

3.) Director of Communication Policy for Budget Matters, Special Counsel for the Assistant Deputy Assistant to the Undersecretary for Obfuscation Regarding the Sequestration of the Federal Budget, Office of the Secretary of Self Defense, Washington, DC http://www.usajobs.gov/thereisnomoneyavailoableforthisposition

4.) COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, NATIONAL CHAIN LETTER ASSOCIATION, WASHINGTON, DC

Resume and cover letter to P.O. Box 58 Washington, DC 20005. Additionally, send six copies to the people at the bottom of the attached list and place your name at the top of the list. If you do this, your wish will be granted. Failure to do so immediately will result in death, or worse.

5.) EDITORIAL ASSISTANT, SOAP OPERA DIGEST, LOS ANGELES, CA

When we last saw Lisa, her sultry assistant of six months, Chelsea, had quit to take a job with Lisa’s ex-husband, Calgon. Desperate for help, Lisa turned to Kevin, the handsome yet dense mailroom clerk, who satisfied her lustful desires but did little to reduce the pile of paperwork on her desk, including the budget report due next week. Meanwhile, Lisa’s main office rival, Courtney, stepped up her sabotage efforts by starting a whispering campaign about Lisa and Kevin. Stung by the gossip, and still needing a reliable assistant, Lisa placed an ad in Ned’s JOTW for an editorial assistant, with 3-5 years’ experience, who can crunch numbers and write crisp, tight copy. With a sigh, Lisa asked applicants to send their resume to lisa@sod.net, adding that she did not want phone calls. At least, not yet…

6.) Publicist, Act of Desperation Reality Show (starring real job seekers), City of Indiscretion, California www.jobs.publicist.hannabarera.com

7.) Marketing Communication, “Save Derpy” campaign, Young Males Who Play With My Little Pony, Hasbro, Celestia, East Poppedagasket, Rhode Island www.Donotdignifyderpy.deviantart.bronies.com

8.) Director of Outreach and External Affairs, International Association of Introverts, Inward Passage, Alaska https://www.careers.taleo.jobs.introverticusmaximus.jobid1887239?partnerid:8 87sourceJOTW&somfar

9.) SCAPEGOAT, Schleiermacher Corp., New York, NY

Busy marketing/communications department seeks experienced Scapegoat. Ideal candidate will offer flexibility to take/assume blame for a variety of mishaps involving branding; marketing; media relations; strategic planning; budget; and speeches, as well as suffering the various whims and quirks of senior staff. Resume and failure history to: ohnoyoudidnt@schleiermachercorp.org.

10.) Director of Electronic Media Outreach, Development and Foundation Relations, Anthony Weiner Institute of Honesty, Integrity and Maturity, Shenanigan Falls, NY

Oversee the Institute’s efforts to provide full transparency of elected officials. Create understanding for Weiner’s many issues. Present the Weiner Exhibit nationwide, and to Twitter account holders everywhere. Must be able to protect the standard, and “defend u to the death on every blog and to everyone…”

Contact Meagan Broussard @BigWeiner#

(p.s. – i know u haven’t been on here since u were hacked but i NEED to talk to u…someone contacted me about u…call me or something.)

11.) BRAND MANAGER, Terminator Nanny Service, Los Angeles, CA

Tired of seeing that newly hired nanny run screaming at the sight of your children, never to be heard from again? That never happens at Terminator Nanny Service; when our experienced nannies tell you “I’ll be back,” they really MEAN it! Resume to YourFutureIsInHisHands@T1000.com.

12.) VIEWER, Oprah Winfrey Network Someone? Anyone? Please? Check local listings for times and locations.

13.) NIPPLE COVERER, Starbucks, Seattle, WA

For our logo; locations nationwide. Experience with tattoo removal helpful. Resume to nipslip@starbucks.org.

14.) BOUNTY HUNTER, New Orleans Saints, New Orleans, La. We pay by the hit! $1,000 per knockdown; $1,500 per carry-off! See Coach Payton. Sorry, this position is no longer available. We apologize for the inconvenience.

15.) EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, PEYTON’S PLACE, Denver, Colo. Resume to PeytonManning24-7@espn.com.

16.) CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS/SPIN DOCTOR, John Edwards, Charlotte, N.C. Ahh, never mind.

17.) VAMPIRES/ZOMBIES, Hollywood, Calif., and other locations

Are you dead? Have a craving for human blood and/or flesh? We need you! Ride the crest of the wave as the movie and TV industries create so many shows about vampires and zombies so as to eventually kill the genre for the next 20 years. But until that happens, show us your fangs, your rotting, diseased flesh and your best “zombie walk” this Wednesday, April 4, at the parking lot outside the K-Mart on Alejandro Boulevard at 10:00 a.m. for zombies and 9:00 p.m. (after sundown) for vampires. No previous experience necessary; we only ask that you be already dead. For more information, call 213/555-2496.

18.) WIRETAPPING EXPERT, Sun Newspapers, London, UK

The Sun, England’s most respected newspaper, seeks a discreet, highly qualified wiretapping expert for various tasks. Ideal candidate will possess excellent wiretapping and other surveillance skills while working hand-in-hand with the finest reporting staff in the world on key assignments. Generous benefits include transportation allowance, bail services and choice of top-notch defense barristers. Hooligans and Irish need not apply. Resume and copy of police record to: J. Murdoch, P.O. Box 355, London EC1A1HA U.K. No phone calls, please.

19.) PROOFREADER, National Pubic Accountability Project, Washington, D.C.

The National Pubic Accountability Project, the premier pubic interest advocacy group in the United States, seeks an experienced Proofreader responsible for overseeing final copy of all written and electronic communications for pubic dissemination. Candidate should possess an excellent command of the English language and an impeccable mastery of grammar and syntax, as well as a working knowledge of key issues of pubic interest. Candidate should have 7-10 years of experience, including some in the pubic sector. Resume and clips to: National Pubic Accountability Project, P.O. Box A4922, Washington, DC 20038.

20.) PUBLICIST, National 43-Man Squamish League, St. Louis, Mo.

Join us for the inaugural season of the National 43-Man Squamish League! This ancient sport features 43 players engaged in mortal battle on the five-sided Flutney. Watch the excitement as Overblats, Underblats, Quarter-Frummerts, Niblings and everyone’s favorite, the Dummy, fight for possession of the Pritz with only the protection of a helmet, gloves and flippers. This new league features 8 teams from the U.S., Canada and Texas playing a 97-game season with a month of playoffs, culminating in the Inaugural Koch-Woodbridge Cup to be played within the A-Ring Courtyard at The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. The N43MSL seeks energetic publicists with extensive knowledge of YouTube and other social media to hype this sport, which we predict will become bigger than the NFL within a few years. Long hours, lousy pay, but the opportunity of a lifetime! Send your resume to SoccerBornEveryMinute@N43MSL.org.

21.) COMMUNICATIONS INTERN, Occupy Wall Street, New York

Have you ever wanted to join the exciting world of Wall Street?(1)* Does trading stocks and bonds on a daily basis get your blood flowing? Does the idea of enormous end-of-year bonuses appeal to you?(2)* We can get you near there!(3)* We’re located just a few blocks from Wall Street. We can help you get inside some of the biggest Wall Street firms(4)*. You can make a difference(5)*! For more information send a note and resume to OccupyWallStreet@OWS.com.

(1)* So did we, but our grades weren’t good enough. (2)* We would sell out in a New York minute for a hot pizza right now. (3)* Unfortunately, we have to keep shifting our location because Zuccotti Park is off-limits now. (4)* For a moment or two anyway, before you get arrested. Resistance to pepper spray would be a helpful attribute. (5)* Until the media loses interest and focuses on the next trend, such as water-skiing squirrels.

22.) COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, PURGATORY

Purgatory seeks a qualified Communications Director to assist with brand identity efforts. Candidate will work directly with souls not sufficiently free from the temporal effects of sin and its consequences to enter the state of heaven immediately but not so sinful as to be destined for hell. Hurry, we don’t have forever. Resume and cover letter to doug@LimboLowerNow.net.

23.) GUY IN LAB COAT, Los Angeles, CA

Major producers of TV ads seek Guy who can wear lab coat for a variety of commercials. Versatility a must; you must be able to play a dentist; a creator of anti-snoring products; a car designer; a mad scientist; a weight loss technician; a perfume creator; a chocolatier; or a surgeon who uses 5-Hour Energy before performing a heart transplant. Must provide own lab coat. Resume and photo to credibility@TVads.com.

24.) NOSE MODEL, confidential client, New York, NY

Has anyone ever told you that you have “a nose that should be in magazines?” We need Nose Models for a variety of products that appear in newspapers, magazines and other media. If you have a cute, well-trimmed, slightly upturned nose, please contact us. We also need large, bulbous nose models for TV sitcoms. Resume and 3-D nose print to schnozz@TheNoseKnows.org.

25.) PRESIDENT AND CEO, CARROLLTON PUBLIC RELATIONS CORP., Dallas, TX Ha-ha! Kidding! We’re just looking for an intern who has exceptional pencil-sharpening and copier skills. jobs@carrollton.org.

26.) PROGRAMMER, Classic Rock Station, The Heart of R-O-C-K in the USA

Have you been listening to classic rock for so long that you can predict the next song we’re going to play? If you said, “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin, you’re correct! Try it again: what are we going to play after that? If you said, “Double Vision” by Foreigner, you win again! One more time…if you said, “Tom Sawyer” by Rush, you are the person we want!

If your idea of a greatness is a Steve Miller song with dreadful lyrics; if you think a “deep cut” is a live version of “Free Bird;” if you know the name of the band Paul McCartney was in before Wings; and if you can count to two (as in “Two-for-Tuesday”), then we encourage you to send your resume and a brief essay on Why Rock and Roll Is The Greatest Music Ever to lame@sameoldcrap.radio.

27.) APOLOGIST, Metro, Washington, D.C.

The Washington Area Metropolitan Transit Authority seeks a sincere, remorseful, genuinely sorry person to serve on the staff of its Public Affairs department. The ideal candidate can shift quickly from offering public apologies for the single-tracking that occurred on the Red Line during the morning rush hour; to explaining why the buses on 16th Street NW all come at once and then don’t show up again for 90 minutes; to humbly acknowledging that a dozen staff people took a junket to Tokyo to inspect a brake factory. Ability to grovel before members of Congress and the media a plus. On the plus side, you get to tell the very positive story about how Metro provides meaningful long-term employment for escalator repair workers who will never run out of work Contact: jobs@metroWeAreSorry.org.

28.) PROMOTIONAL DIRECTOR, SEIZURE WORLD, Sarasota, Fla.

The nation’s largest chain of epilepsy management centers seeks consummate communications professional. Resume and cover letter to: P.O. Box 5066, Grand Mal Island, FL 30356

29.) BRAND DEVELOPER, ANGIOPLASTY’S LIST, Bethesda, Md. Help us help heart disease patients make the best choice. Resume to balloonboy@artery.med.

30.) PUBLICIST, “THE CAT IN THE HAT STRIKES BACK,” UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, Burbank, Calif.

“Chuck Norris came home And found a big mess. And no, he did not like it, So he began to kick ass.”

So begins the long-awaited sequel to the movie, The Cat in the Hat, based on the venerable children’s book by Dr. Seuss. Lovingly updated by our crack team of writers (the same team responsible for John Carter, Ishtar and Gigli, this action flick features Chuck Norris as a no-nonsense nanny brought in to prevent The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2 and the cast of Jersey Shore from trashing Sally and The Unnamed Boy/Narrator’s house again. Watch as Chuck Norris uses Snooki as a human bowling ball! Delight as Chuck Norris turns the Cat’s Hat into a lethal Frisbee of Death! Laugh as Thing 1 and Thing 2 get turned into pink slime!

We’re seeking energetic publicists with experience in social media to help us create “buzz” for this movie, slated for release on Christmas Day 2013. Help us create new Chuck “Norrisims,” such as “When Chuck Norris is done playing, the toys put themselves back;” or “When Chuck Norris surfs the Internet, he always finds the biggest wave.” Resume/clips to ChucktheCat@universal.com.

31.) MARKETING COMMUNICATIONS, Leinenkugel Ultra Ice Lite High-Fiber Autumn Mint Whole Grain Strawberry Harvest Bock, Leinenkugel Brewing Co., Chippewa Falls, Wis.

Help us get this bold cold gold mold sold before it gets old and we have to fold. Help us sell Leinie before we lose our heinie. Sam@WhatAlesYou.net.

32.) AD SALES, The Rush Limbaugh Show, Excellence in Broadcasting USA

Due to an unexpected surplus of unsold ad time, the Rush Limbaugh Show—the most-listened to radio show in America—seeks an aggressive sales representative to generate revenue pronto. Did we say pronto? You betcha! We’ve got a real hole in our revenue stream that needs to be filled PRONTO. The ideal candidate is a high-pressure, no-nonsense sales pro who knows how to deal with people, including women. This would be really helpful, quite frankly, as our track record with women hasn’t been all that good as of late. (Who knew that “slut” was a no-no?) Resume to EIB, P.O. Box 3409, New York, NY 10032. NO FEMINAZIS NEED APPLY.

33.) WEB DESIGNER, AMERICAN CASH REGISTER CORP., Maumee, Ohio

The American Cash Register Corporation, the nation’s once-leading manufacturer of quality cash registers, is officially entering the 21st century now that our 114-year-old patriarch and CEO, Mr. Eldon McLassitter, passed away in February. Mr. McLassitter was a very frugal man, which was a hallmark of his success as both a businessman and benefactor. Now we seek to honor his legacy by making the next technological “leap” to computers, and we need the help of an experienced, qualified World Wide Web designer to create our presence on the Internets. The ideal candidate will be a well-grounded, sensible, God-fearing individual who knows his (or her!) way around WordStar, DOS, PageMaker and other applications. Mastery of Commodore 64 helpful. Please mail resume, cover letter to: ACRC, 5589 W. Michigan Avenue, Maumee, OH 43537. www.kachung.com

*** JOTW Weekly alternative selections:

34.) Children’s Gaming and Gambling Education Coordinator, Play Texas Hook-em. Fox Urine Casino, Mashuntucket Pequot Nation, Fort Grumble, Connecticut http://bit.ly/housewins

*** Weekly Piracy Report:

WEEKLY PIRACY REPORT, Presented by Starbucks®, the Official Coffee Vendor of Ned’s JOTW:

03.32.2012: 1530 UTC: Posn: 18:44N – 061:32E, Around 180nm SE of Masirah Island, Oman (Off Somalia) C/O onboard a container ship underway noticed two boats in the vicinity; he informed the Master and started tracking the boats. Both boats pulled up along port side and inquired if crew was interested in refreshing Starbucks® coffee products. Master allowed crew of both boats to board; for the next hour, ship’s crew took a well-deserved break from the daily routines of life at sea, enjoying fresh-brewed hot Starbucks® coffee, ice-cold Frappacinos® and a selection of scones and other pastries. The boats’ crews, having improved morale and generated international goodwill, left before sunset on their way to the Straits of Hormuz to attend to Iranian fishing vessels.

03.32.2012: 0730 UTC: Posn: 112:39.8E, Gresik Port Inner Anchorage, Indonesia Vendors boarded an anchored cargo ship and asked Master if he wished to have the crew served coffee. When Master asked if vendors served genuine Starbucks® coffee products, vendors gave evasive answers. Master immediately ordered ship to raise anchor; crew drove off vendors by sounding general alarm and firing water cannons. Master promised crew that he would treat them to Starbucks® coffee once they reached Malaysia.

03.32.2012: 1135LT: Posn: 12:44N – 043:19E, Bab El Mandeb, Red Sea. A skiff with six to seven people chased a general cargo ship underway and approached starboard side with intent to board. The ship’s Master used a bullhorn to demand the skiff’s intentions. The skiffmaster replied that he was merely informing the ship’s Master that he had forgotten to take his change after purchasing a Starbucks® Iced Caramel Macchiato Espresso® in port. The Master gratefully accepted the change and tipped the skiffmaster a shilling.

*** A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him whispers, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair …. given that you are blind…. that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman who doesn’t need a baseball bat.. 3. I’m a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to you on the other side also is blonde and she’s a professional weight lifter. 5. And the woman standing right behind you is a blonde — and a professional wrestler. “Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

*** Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy then Men? Because men are in charge of the economy!

*** Ball cap of the week: USS Connie Eckard

*** Coffee mug of the week: CBR – Coagulated Blood Recipes

*** T-shirt of the week: Salt Lake City Winter Baby Olympics

*** Musical guest artist of the week: Weimeranner

*** Here’s what you need to do to change your JOTW email address. I cannot do this for you. Pay attention. Send a blank email from your OLD account to JOTW-unsubscribe@topica.com. Then, send a blank email from your NEW account to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com. Does that sound difficult? Then why are you all such an epic fail everytime??

*** This is your Job of the Week e-mail newsletter, a free service for unappreciative professional communicators who take advantage of a good thing and give nothing in return. The JOTW serves 11,519 professional communicators, the same number as 11519 Fetterly Road W, Minnetonka, Minnesota.

Your cooperation is requested. Please. Kindly send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com. Please??? Oh forget it.

*** To subscribe, or to add a new e-mail address for your subscription, send a blank e-mail to:

JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.

To unsubscribe: JOTW-unsubscribe@topica.com.

To change your address, do both. I can’t do it for you.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit: http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or www.nedsjotw.com. This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC 7813 Richfield Road Springfield, VA 22153 U.S.A. +1 703 455-7661 (home office) +1 703 472-8629 (cell) lundquist989@cs.com www.nedsjotw.com

“The sea has deepness, and cold, and is wet, and gray, and has these waves, so that when one can leave one shore, and escape the sauce on the tablecloth, all of life and human relations become so incomprehensibly simple that the moon is shining upon both doctors and lawyers, with happiness that is not idleness, and only what is useless becomes pleasurable.” – Anton Chekhov

The JOTW Network – A world in communication For your hospitality, thank you! © Copyright 2012 The Job of the Week Network, LLC

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Can you say: “Can you afford fries with that?”

We’ll teach you the real skills you need to get a job in today’s employment market.

http://area224.com

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