10th National Summit on Strategic Communications
April 25-26, 2019 in Constitution Hall at American University in Washington, DC
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JOTW 13-2019 Add 1
Special March 32, 2019 edition
The Free Job of the Week Newsletter
This is JOTW newsletter number 1,796
“If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.”
This edition of JOTW comes to you from Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
*** Welcome to the JOTW network!
This is the award-winning free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators, dedicated to the positive unanticipated consequences of networking, or as we call it, “nedworking.” JOTW is a cooperative service. That means JOTW relies on the contributions of its members, like you. But I am not naieve. I know most of you just suck all these jobs in and never take a minute or two to send any to me to share with the rest of the network.
*** To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at email@example.com. Don’t make me figure it all out myself.
*** Posting a job is free. Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free, but you guys owe me.
I request that you do not send pdf files that I have to copy and reformat. I prefer you provide your very brief job description in an email rather than an enclosure. Please limit the size of your position descriptions (generally to 500 words or less). “Can’t Wait” blast email priority listings are $300, and “Top Job” placement is $100. Just send to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*** To sign up for JOTW’s new Google Groups list, send an email to Ned at email@example.com and request to join the new listerv. If you receive this as an email from firstname.lastname@example.org, then you are on this list.
*** This week’s Can’t Wait postings:
None this week.
Can’t Wait jobs: These jobs are forwarded to the entire list as soon as they are received, and do not wait for the Monday newsletter, and are posted prominently on the JOTW website. Then they are posted first in the weekly JOTW newsletter. Can’t Wait postings cost $300. Contact Ned at email@example.com.
*** This week’s Top Job:
None this week.
Top Jobs: Stand above the rest. Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter. Top job placement costs $100 per job per week. To be on top, contact Ned at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (email@example.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.
*** Here’s the link for the JOTW newsletter on the website:
*** One Paragraph Pitch:
Experienced attorney/communicator seeking short-term position before upcoming extended “research assignment” at a federal penitentiary. I am an excellent researcher, a consummate dealmaker and a polished spokesperson who has testified (under subpoena) before Congress. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org
*** Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to email@example.com. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point. You can include a photo, too! There is no waiting list. And it’s free! Submit yours today!
*** Ned’s upcoming travel, maybe, perhaps:
Ned’s Upcoming Travel:
Mar. 32: Wawa, Woodbridge, Va.
Apr. 1: Mike Sorohan’s house
Apr. 3: Einstein Bros. Bagels, Springfield, Va.
Apr. 4-8: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Apr 11-12: Tuktoyaktuk, NWT, Canada
Apr. 21: Mike Sorohan’s house, again
Apr. 25-30: Harry Potter World
May 2-3: Kota Kinatablu, Borneo
May 6: 7-11, Lorton, Va.
May 8: Boy Scout meeting, Rolling Road Community Center
May 11: Mike Sorohan’s house, again
May 15: Kingstowne Regal 16 Movie Theaters
*** Your Very Next Step!
*** Your Very Next Steps newsletter for Mar. 32, 2019
By Ned Lundquist, ABC
Step 1: Put your right foot in.
Step 2: Take your right foot out.
Step 3: Put your right foot in.
Step 4: Shake it all about.
Are you a YVNS subscriber? It’s free. Send Ned an email (to firstname.lastname@example.org) telling him you want to subscribe to the YVNS newsletter. Be sure to be polite and say “please” and “thank you.”
*** Here are your JOTW job opportunities for this week:
1.) PROOFREEDER, PRESIDENT TRUMP’S TWITTER ACCOUNT, Washington, D.C.
The Precedent of the Untied States seeks an experienced Proofreeder to give final look at tweets before hitting the “send” button. This is a high-priority position designed to put our Precedent in the best light possible. Candidate must be open to late night/early morning worktimes and be available on a moment’s notice. Covfefe drinkers welcome. Resume to POTUS, 1600 Penisylvania Avenue, Washington, P.R. 20014.
2.) CERTIFIED PROFESSIONAL
Services firm seeks qualified Professional. Must have bachelor’s degree (master’s preferred, a Ph.D. would be swell!) and be certified in Six Sigma, Lean Six Sigma, Ultra-Lean Six Sigma, Six Sigma Black Belt, Six Sigma Black Belt with Two Crimson Chevrons, Six Sigma Minus Two Upsilon Add the Kappa Hold the Mayo, One-Minute Manager, Zero Defects, CPESC, Oracle CP, Merchant Mariner STCW (or equivalent), CEnvP, HVAC, Seoul Accord, ASQ and/or GED. Resume and qualifications to: Spiegel, Chicago 60609 Illinois.
3.) FUR COAT, Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills
Wrap yourself in luxury with this lovely fur! A beautiful shade of gold to add that touch of class for a special occasion! A classic design of vertical fur with a stylish notched collar! From Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills! And it’s yours–if The Price is Right!
4.) HOW MUCH FOR THIS JOB, eBay
We have an opening for a qualified Communications Professional (mid-level) and are accepting bids to fill this position. Bidding begins on Apr. 1 at 7:00 a.m. ET and continues through Apr. 4 at 8:00 p.m. ET. Minimum bid $27,000. Successful bidder must have Paypal, Venmo or related online account. All bids final. Item #35TYUOI76L9FF57qx. No phone calls, please.
5.) SITE INSPECTOR, The Star Registry
Hi, Rocky Mozell of The Star Registry here–you know, the guy who for $54 will name a star after you and provide you with a Certificate of Authenticity. Look, this is hard work and I need help. We’re getting so many requests that I no longer have time to travel the cosmos verifying that the stars we name after people are real stars or just some twinkly bit of cosmic dust (and our customers DEMAND authenticity). So I need someone who will travel through space, visiting the various quadrants to verify that the stars for whom people are named after are truly stars. We provide the following: uniforms; transportation (company-owned space shuttle), unlimited Tang in company break rooms, and a competitive salary. Minimum 10-year commitment required (non-negotiable). Extensive travel. Must be a self-starter and have good eyesight, analytical skills and great patience. Background in science helpful. Resume and cover letter to: Rocky@Star-Registry.com<mailto:Rocky@Star-Registry.com>.
6.) STAN LEE IMPERSONATOR, Hollywood, Calif.
Sorry, this position is no longer available.
7.) HUMAN PROPS (temporary position), Rep. Mark Meadows, R-N.C.
Member of Congress seeks Human Props to use at upcoming House Intelligence Committee hearings. Intelligence not required. All types needed; must be readily available on call as needed. Resume and photo to: Meadows@house.gov<mailto:Meadows@house.gov>. No white males, please.
8.) REGIONAL VICE PRESIDENT OF SALES & MARKETING, A-1 CD STACK SHELF COMPANY, Wausau, Wis.
The nation’s largest manufacturer of stackable CD shelves seeks motivated, energetic Regional Vice President of Sales and Marketing. Responsibilities include convincing the population of the United States that they still need stackable CD shelves, even though no one has bought one for eight years. We are eager to unload our inventory of more than one million stackable CD shelves that have been sitting in our warehouse since 2010. Salary, bonus and commissions. Please help us. Sales@A1CD.com.
9.) AGING BABY BOOMERS, THE 55-AND-OLDER SENIOR LIVING ASSOCIATION, Delwebb, Ariz.
Are you a Baby Boomer? Have you considered the exciting lifestyle of 55-and-over communities? Do you enjoy long walks along a contoured “nature path?” Are you interested in activities you’ve heard about but never tried before, such as bridge, mah-jongg, bus trips to casinos and visits from podiatrists? Would you like to live in a community that offers all the amenities of a hospice without the pervasive smell of Death? Then perhaps you should consider the advantages of living in an all-inclusive over-55 community. Stop by a nearby over-55 community today! For more information, visit YouAreGettingOld@55Plus.com.
10.) DIRECTOR OF EXCELLENCE, THE SUPERLATIVE INSITUTE, Palo Alto, Calif.
Voted “Best Place to Work in the Triple El Neighborhood of Palo Alto” for five glorious consecutive years, The Superlative Institute, a Five-Star® Employer, seeks a highly qualified Director of Excellence to advance our noble mission. The ideal candidate is a marvelous team player, a motivated self-starter, a superb communicator and a widely respected incubator of dynamic ideas and happy, productive employees. We offer an industry-competitive salary and only the best benefits and a state-of-the-art cubicle. Resume to Jobs@BeBest.org.
11.) OFFICE GOSSIP/OFFICE MANAGER, DANBURG REGIONAL MEDICAL CENTER, Danburg, New Mexico
Danburg’s largest hospital seeks an experienced Office Gossip to replace Bill, who ran the office grapevine for 11 years before abruptly retiring last month because of a “personnel matter.” In addition to your (negligible) duties as Office Manager, you will possess keen observation skills, the epitome of discretion and the ability to network across all social strata, with a knack for dropping “the hammer” at opportune moments. Resume to HR@DRMC.med.
12.) INTERN, AMERICAN WIND POWER ASSOCIATION, Washington, D.C.
American Wind Power Association has summer opening for energetic Intern to write press releases and help plan events. Please note, however, our office is only open when the wind is blowing, because, you know, wind power. Resume to AWPA—oh hell, the wind just stopped blowi—
13.) EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF MANSPREADERS, Washington, D.C.
(Note: This position requires several hours per day sitting in public spaces. Benefits include MetroChek. Apply to WideStance@Manspread.com.
14.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATIONS, THE INTERNET OF THINGS ASSOCIATION, Seattle
TITA seeks experienced, self-aware, in-tune Vice President of Communications who gets how things work and can explain it to others—and to us, because we’re not exactly sure ourselves. We thought “the internet of things” was just a cute little throwaway phrase used by people who didn’t get how the Internet worked, and then we realized that the “internet of things” was actually a real thing. So we created this trade group to make money off of it, but now we need someone who can actually explain it so that we know what we’re talking about. If this makes sense to you, send us your resume—by email, fax, mail or however you’d like. We’re eager to hear from you, one way or another.
15.) FLORIDA MAN, Freelance, Multiple Locations, Florida
“Florida Man” needed for following upcoming situations:
- Falling asleep in air duct of 7-11 you are trying to rob.
- Getting naughty bits stuck in a vacuum cleaner.
- Using nephew as alligator bait.
- Engaging police in a slow-speed chase with a riding lawn mower.
- Attempting to steal a 15-foot boa constrictor by stuffing it in your pants.
- Presenting at an emergency room with a snakebite on your naughty bits.
- Stealing a booby-trapped box of dog droppings in a “porch pirate” incident gone horribly awry.
8 Stealing another booby-trapped box of dog droppings in another “porch pirate” incident gone horribly awry.
- Getting a tattoo in Chinese characters that you think means “serenity” but actually means “Dorkface.”
- Faking getting robbed of marijuana to get out of going to work.
- Passing out drunk in a McDonald’s drive-through.
- Legally changing name to “Hold My Beer.”
- Attempting to marry a manatee.
- Attempting to juggle three machetes.
- Getting arrested at hospital for illegally owning three machetes.
- Attempting to siphon gasoline from an RV, not realizing it’s the sewer line.
- Getting appointed Secretary of Commerce in the Trump Administration.
- Flunking 10th grade for the 14th consecutive year.
- Counterfeiting $1,000 bills.
- Assaulting “unresponsive” female store mannequin.
Applicants need not apply. Don’t worry—we’ll find you.
*** This week’s alternative job selection
None this week.:
*** Weekly Piracy Report:
018-19 03.32.2019: 1840 UTC: Posn: 38:52.50N – 118:42.60E, Caofeidian Anchorage, China.
Duty officer onboard an anchored bulk carrier noticed a small skiff approaching on starboard side. Several persons aboard skiff began to say hurtful, untrue things about duty officer’s ancestral family. Duty officer attempted to retaliate in kind but everyone agreed it was a half-hearted effort and not well thought out.
017-19 03.32.2019: 0340 UTC: Posn: 06:21.1N – 010:47.8W, 1732 West Carmel Ave., Indianapolis, Indiana.
John Kiernan checked his Ring device online and noted Billy Petronia, a neighborhood miscreant, was standing on his porch eyeing a small package that a UPS driver had dropped off a few minutes earlier. Kiernan activated his audio and told Billy to go away. Billy left, but not before urinating on Kiernan’s lawn.
016-19 03.32.2019:2325 UTC: Posn: 06:17.8N – 003:19.3E, Lagos Security Anchorage Area, Nigeria.
Two Nigerian princes offered Duty Officer $10 million in unmarked U.S. currency from a secret government bank account. Duty officer provided princes with his name, account information and a routing number, accepted the cash and deposited the money into his own bank account, enabling him to retire in comfort.
015-19 03.32.2019: 2205 UTC: Posn : 03:55.4N – 098:40E, Belawan Anchorage, Indonesia.
Duty crew on routine rounds noticed a robber escaping via the hawse pipe and raised the alarm. Crew mustered but became confused about what a “hawse pipe” was and began arguing, with some insisting that the “hawse pipe” was actually a “boat bow chock.” Discussion became heated and was left largely unresolved. Robber escaped.
014-19 03.02.2019: 1630 UTC: Posn: 23:02.02N – 070:13.39E, Oil Jetty No.4, Kandla Port, India.
The chief officer on routine rounds noticed a boat under the forecastle and notified the other deck crew. Duty Officer began broadcasting a Donald Trump speech over loudspeaker. Boat immediately pulled away and sank itself.
*** Ball cap of the week: Alcatraz Swim Club
*** Coffee mug of the week: Alcatraz Swim Club
*** T-Shirt of the week: Alcatraz Swim Club
*** Musical guest artist of the week: Alcatraz Swim Club Boys’ Choir
*** To subscribe: Contact Ned at email@example.com.
Your cooperation is requested. Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to firstname.lastname@example.org.
You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit www.nedsjotw.com.
This newsletter is published by:
Edward H. Lundquist, ABC, IABC Fellow
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
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The JOTW Network – A world in communication
For your hospitality, thank you!
© Copyright 2019 The Job of the Week Network, LLC
All the good stuff is credited to Mike Sorohan!
*** Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka’puana
(And So The Story Is Told)
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