Silent Communications Conference
June 1-2, 2020 at a location to be announced
JOTW 13-2020 Add 1
March 32, 2020
The Free Job of the Week Newsletter
This is JOTW newsletter number 1,843A
“People used to use leaves, rags, moss, corn cobs, rope, the Sears & Roebuck catalog, the yellow pages, ENRON stock, the Old Farmer’s Almanac, you name it. And now, history repeats itself. But I don’t care. Why? Because I’m a cartoon bear. And my Hiney is clean oh yeah I’m Charmin clean.”
– Charmin Cub
[We are temporarily out of stock on all Charmin Forever Roll items. We understand how frustrating this is, and we want to let you know that we take our responsibility to our consumers very seriously. While we are monitoring this highly dynamic situation closely, we anticipate that we will be back in stock in the coming weeks. Thank you for your patience and support! We look forward to making your hiney clean soon. Charmin, Flushing, NY]
This edition of JOTW comes to you from a vault deep below Springfield, Virginia.
*** Welcome to the JOTW network!
Today is one of those lucky days: 03/32/2020. Might as well bet everything you have on lottery tickets.
This is the award-winning free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators, dedicated to the positive unanticipated consequences of networking, or as we call it, “nedworking.” JOTW is a cooperative service. That means JOTW relies on the contributions of its members, like you. We share job opportunities, news and information about the job market, as well as swapping stories about life’s peculiarities. We connect you with others who are like you, and together we help each other. What a concept. Did I mention it’s free?
*** To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at email@example.com. Provide a link or contact info so people can check out your listing or follow up if interested.
*** Posting a job is free. Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free. Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free
I request that you do not send pdf files that I have to copy and reformat. I prefer you provide your very brief job description in an email rather than an enclosure. Please limit the size of your position descriptions (generally to 500 words or less). “Can’t Wait” blast email priority listings are $300, and “Top Job” placement is $100. Just send to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*** This is a cooperative service. I know most of just blow that off, and expect this enormous free service to just appear in your inbox every morning for free. You should all look into your dark souls and ask yourself what have you done for me lately…or ever.
*** To sign up for JOTW’s new Google Groups list, send an email to Ned at email@example.com and request to join the new listerv. If you receive this as an email from firstname.lastname@example.org, then you are on this list.
*** This week’s Can’t Wait postings:
None this week.
Can’t Wait jobs: These jobs are forwarded to the entire list as soon as they are received, and do not wait for the Monday newsletter, and are posted prominently on the JOTW website. Then they are posted first in the weekly JOTW newsletter. Can’t Wait postings cost $300. Contact Ned at email@example.com.
*** This week’s Top Job:
None this week.
Top Jobs: Stand above the rest. Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter. Top job placement costs $100 per job per week. To be on top, contact Ned at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (email@example.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.
*** Here’s the link for the JOTW newsletter on the website:
*** One Paragraph Pitch:
(Sung to the tune, “Yesterday”)
I’m a dedicated worker bee;
I’ll do anything you ask of me,
Just hire me, please hire me.
After 20 years of loyalty,
Got escorted by Security,
Oh, my last job went suddenly.
Let me go, I don’t know,
They wouldn’t say.
Now I long
For getting paid.
Unemployment doesn’t much suit me,
Now my landlord is evicting me,
Oh, hire me, please hire me.
*** Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point. You can include a photo, too! There is no waiting list. And it’s free! Submit yours today!
*** 3rd annual JOTW communications and PR survey.
The results are in. We’re all out of work.
*** Ned’s upcoming travel, maybe, perhaps:
Mar. 32-Apr. 4: Delta Quadrant
Apr. 15-18: International Boy Band Hall of Fame, Orlando
Apr. 22-29: Maersk Alabama, Somalia
May 2-3: Lawrence Welk Boyhood Home, Strasburg, N.D.
May 11: Tour de Harwich: North Harwich, Mass.; East Harwich, Mass.; South Harwich, Mass., West Harwich, Mass., Central Harwich, Mass.; and Harwich Port, Mass.
May 20-26: HMS Bounty, Pitcairn Island
June 3-8: Lindt Master Chocolatier School, Zurich, Switzerland
Do you suffer from Black Magic Woman? ABRAXAS(r) can help. Taking ABRAXAS(r) daily can help you manage blindness, being made a devil, messing with tricks and having spells placed on you.
(Side effects of ABRAXAS(r) include having your heart turned into stone; and needing someone so bad you just can’t leave them alone).
“I’ve got a black magic woman; got me so blind I can’t see. But thanks to ABRAXAS(r), I’m ‘smooth!'” -Carlos S.
Ask your doctor if ABRAXAS(r) is right for you!
*** Here are your JOTW job opportunities for this week:
1.) Campaign Communications, Mike “I spent a half billion and got twice as many delegates in American Samoa as Tulsi Gabbard” Bloomberg, Hells Kitchen, NY
2.) NOW HIRING, YOUR MOTHER
YOUR MOTHER is hiring! YOUR MOTHER needs people for all positions! YOUR MOTHER is available morning, noon and night! YOUR MOTHER offers competitive wages and excellent benefits! Join us and see why everyone is talking about YOUR MOTHER! When it comes to good food, great service and good times, no one can compete with YOUR MOTHER. Come in to YOUR MOTHER and apply in person-but if you do, please enter YOUR MOTHER from the rear. Jobs@YOURMOTHER.com<mailto:Jobs@YOURMOTHER.com .
3.) PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR, Not Too Tart Association, Armonk, N.Y.
After 150 years, the Not Too Tart/Not Too Sweet Association has decided to split into two different trade groups, citing “irreconcilable differences” (one was too tart, the other, well, you know). NTTA intends to use the same strategy model employed in 2017 when the National Arbitrary Association split from the American Capricious Association. We seek a “seasoned” professional to help us get off the ground. Resume to HR@NTTA.org<mailto:HR@NTTA.org>.
4.) Marketing Consultant, Puberty Mutual Insurance, Boston, Massachusetts
5.) PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR, International Boy Band Hall of Fame, Orlando, Fla.
Responsibilities include overseeing selection of the annual Justin Timberlake Lifetime Achievement Award; taking daily phone calls from Joey Fatone; and management of the K-Pop Annex. Resume to 98Degrees@OTown.com.
6.) SHOW RUNNER/PRODUCER, “Property Brothers: Illegal House,” HGTV, Las Vegas The newest entry in the wildly popular Property Brothers franchise has Drew and Jonathan Scott making dreams come true for their clients without permits, inspections or approved materials! Your job: get ’em in; and get ’em out. Knowledge of Nevada legal system helpful. Resume to ProBros@hgtv.com.
7.) PINCH HITTER, Houston Astros, Houston, Texas The 2017 World Champion Houston Astros are recruiting a Pinch Hitter to “take one for the team” for the 2020 season. No previous baseball experience necessary-all you need to do is stand at the plate and not flinch when opposing pitchers throw 96 mile-per-hour fastballs at your head (we’ll explain why later). We provide uniforms, headgear and bats; you are responsible for shoes, glove and metal jockstrap. Apply at beanball@Astros.com.
8.) Executive Producer, Great British COVID 19 Testing Show, BBC Television, Dorksford-upon-Thames, UK
9.) REGIONAL SALES DIRECTOR, Ringer’s Lactate Corp., Los Angeles, California Guaranteed income; established route. Client list includes Squad 51 and Rampart General Hospital. Bonuses for exceeding sales goals. Previous D5W/saline drip experience preferred; must have own transportation. Resume to 10-4KMG365@RLC.med.
10.) CORONAVIRUS COORDINATOR, Carnival Cruise Lines, Miami Previous experience herding cats helpful. Mail to COVID@Carnival.com/
11.) SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR, International Earworm Society, New York
Do you feel “Happy?” Is “Tonight Gonna Be a Good Night?” Are you a “joker, a smoker, a midnight toker?” “Hey-Yaa” do we have a job for you! Record labels will pay you to insert earworms into social media posts! Your efforts on Facebook, Tik-Tok, Instagram and other social media sites can give new life to songs such as “Seasons in the Sun,” “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” My Sharona,” The Macarena,” “The Night Chicago Died,” “Don’t Stop Believin,'” “Havin’ My Baby,” “Papa Don’t Preach,” “Hotel California” and “Mozart’s String Quartet No. 19 in C Major (Dissonance) with Double-Bassoon, Contrabass Clarinet, Euphonium and Gong.” We will pay you up to $.01 per mention. Call 1-888-317-9676 between 8:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m.; if the line is busy, keep trying and in the meantime, please listen to our “hold” music, “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”
12.) VARIOUS COMMUNICATIONS JOBS, TLC, Silver Spring, Md.
TLC (Motto: “We Stoop Lower So You Don’t Have To”) has openings for publicists/gofers/assistants for the following programs in development for the fall 2020 season:
–“I Can’t Believe I Ate That-TWICE!”
–“My 500-Pound Tumor’s Twitter Page Has More ‘Likes’ Than Me!”
–“The Duggars (Except Josh) Repopulate Rural Missouri”
–“Kate Plus 8 vs. Honey Boo-Boo vs. Bigfoot: Deathmatch”
–“The Civil War Doctor Amputation Challenge”
–“My 14,000 Cousins”
–“That’s Disgusting! Let’s Show it on TV!”
–“Death Row Santa Claus”
These positions require 50-80 hour weeks. Apply to UnpaidJobs@TLC.com.
Hello! My name is Bert the Hypnotizer, available for parties, bar mitzvahs, weddings and IABC chapter meetings. I want you to concentrate on the sound of my voice. Focus only on my voice. You are getting sleepy, very *COUGH-COUGH*–excuse me-you are getting *COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-HACK-COUGH-Sorry about that, where were we? Oh yes, you are falling into a dee–*COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-HACK-HACK-COUGH-COUGH*–You know what, we’ll have to continue this later *COUGH-COUGH* Ned, do I still have to pay for this?
(Back to the jobs!)
13.) LOGISTICS DIRECTOR, Mensa, Arlington, Texas American Mensa seeks someone who knows how to unlock doors, make coffee, create signs, operate the copier machine and help us turn on our computers. Someone please help us-we’ve been stuck in this building for two months and we don’t know where the exits are. The only way most of us found the bathroom is because Charlie left a trail of toilet paper on the floor. email@example.com.
14.) COMPETITORS, Ultimate Yahtzee, ESPN
With our live sports programming shot to hell, we are desperately seeking skilled Yahtzee player (290 average and above) to compete in a winner-take-all tournament shown on live television this April, hosted by Kenny Mayne. Yes, it sucks; yes, we’d rather show you The Masters or March Madness or Sunday Night Baseball, but, you know. Send a short video to Yahtzee@espn.com.
15.) ONE-SYLLABLE SPEECH WRITER, White House, Washington, D.C.
The White House seeks an experienced speech writer with the unique ability to write speeches in which all the words have one syllable (or less) for our client. This skill is desperately needed. Short-term position through January 2020; four-year extension possible. Resume to firstname.lastname@example.org.
16.) INTERN, National Mansplainers Association, Washington, D.C.
The National Mansplainers Association, which is a dues-paying trade group of men who effectively describe situations of all types to eager, appreciative listeners-and when I say “effectively describe,” I mean they bring their wealth of knowledge about literally everything to the table-seeks an Intern to serve on our Menstrual/Childbirth Task Force. Send your resume (8-1/2 x 11″, white paper, no more than 12 pages) to: The National Mansplainers Association, 1919 M Street NW, 5th Floor, 3rd Mailbox in 6th Column, Slot B-9, Washington, D.C. 20036.
17.) EDITOR, American Em-Dash Association, Richmond, Va.
We are the largest-and leading-association promoting use of em-dashes in everyday communication-from personal missives to the C-Suite-and we seek an experienced Editor to demonstrate-through words and actions-the value of this important bastion of punctuation. Resume-including salary requirements-to AuntieEmDash@AEDA.org<mailto:AuntieEmDash@AEDA.org>.
Legitimate illegal Russian bot just wants your Social Security number. No fuss, no muss. Send to boris@RuinYourCredit.com<mailto:boris@RuinYourCredit.com>.
18.) MEDIA GOODWILL AMBASSADOR, “BE BEST” FOUNDATION, The White House, Washington, D.C.
The Be Best Foundation seeks an experienced media relations professional to serve as a goodwill liaison between the Foundation and the failing New York Times, the totally biased Washington Post, the unfair CNN, the lying PBS, the extremely unprofessional MSNBC, the unpatriotic NBC News and all the other fake news media that sow divisiveness and hatefulness. Ability to snarl and spit at a moment’s notice helpful. Apply to media@BeBest.gov. Short-term position.
If you want it, here it is, come and get it. Make your mind up fast. If you want it, any time, I can give it, but you’d better hurry ’cause it may not last. Did I hear you say that there must be a catch? Will you walk away from a fool and his money? If you want it, here it is, come and get it. But you’d better hurry ’cause it’s goin’ fast. Apply at TooLate@Job.job.
20.) EXTRAS, ‘Far from the Madding Crowd,’ New York
Producers of the remake of “Far from the Madding Crowd” are filming in New York on March 32 and we need at least 1,000 extras to not show up because of coronavirus restrictions. No experience necessary. Candidates should not show up at Times Square this Wednesday, March 32 at 7:00 a.m. We will not provide masks, meals, shelter or bathroom facilities. We look forward to not seeing you. For more information, visit www.FFMCmovie.com.
*** Weekly Piracy Report:
018-19 03.32.2020: 1840 UTC: Posn: 38:52.50N – 118:42.60E, Caofeidian Anchorage, China.
Duty officer onboard an anchored bulk carrier noticed strange noises coming from ship’s stores. Upon inspection duty officer found several skulking pirates, who jumped overboard without further incident. Duty officer alerted authorities, who demanded the ship’s stores as a bribe to conduct investigation.
014-19 03.32.2020: 1630 UTC: Posn: 23:02.02N – 070:13.39E, The Hjallstead Farm, Swenson, North Dakota.
Farmer’s wife walked into kitchen and found three blind mice attempting to steal farm’s stores. Farmer’s wife raised alarm and chased the mice, who began to run (see how they run at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrBHyC1xbCk). Farmer’s wife succeeded in cutting off their tails with a carving knife and alerted authorities. “I’ve never seen such a sight in my life,” authorities said.
017-19 03.32.2020 1550 UTC: Posn: 36:44.05S – 122:23.25W, Port of Los Angeles, California
Captain Stubing (Gavin McLeod) of the S.S. Pacific Princess observes two passengers (Georgia Engel, Pat Harrington Jr.) having marital problems and suggests they enter the ship’s shuffleboard tournament, where they learn the value of teamwork and rediscover their passion for each other. Meanwhile Isaac the Bartender (Ted Lange) is tempted to break the ship’s strict fraternization policy when a single woman (Moms Mabley) catches his eye. And a brooding Yeoman Purser (Fred Grandy) contemplates a run for Congress.
026-20 25.02.2020: 0207 UTC: Posn: 18:34.0N – 072:23.2W, Waco, Texas.
Swift 454 was doing seven-seven on I-35 northbound when a southbounder suggested he back off the hammer and not feed the bears, as there was a Kojak with a Kodak up ahead. Swift 454 took evasive actions, slowed to double-nickels and avoided a Christmas Card. Before he could resume normal ops, he spotted a Beaver Bear in a brown paper package. Swift 454 attempted to issue a woop-woop but apparently everyone was walking the dog and there were Tennessee Valley Igloos messing with reception. Just then a pregnant roller skate full of vitamins dusted his britches and caught the attention of Brown Beaver. Before putting the foot on the floor and letting the motor toter, Swift 454 decided to get some Go-Juice, Mud and Muff at the next exit, promising to keep the shiny side up and the black stack smoking.
*** Ball cap of the week: Lake Chaubunagungamaug, Massachusetts
*** Coffee mug of the week: 100% Civet Poop
*** T-Shirt of the week: Old Frothingslosh
*** Musical guest artist of the week: Nervous Norvas
*** To subscribe: Contact Ned at email@example.com.
Your cooperation is requested. Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to firstname.lastname@example.org.
You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit www.nedsjotw.com.
This newsletter is published by:
Edward H. Lundquist, ABC, IABC Fellow
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
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*** Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka’puana
(And So The Story Is Told)