JOTW 13-2005 Add 1 32 March 2005


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JOTW 13-2005 Add 1
32 March 2005

“If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed
some of its choicest gifts, Has most deeply pondered on the greatest
problems of life, and has found solutions, I should point to India.”
–   Max Mueller

This newsletter has been altered.  It has been modified to fit your
screen.

Welcome to the free NedCo® Job O' The Week© brand e-mail networking
newsletter for professional communicators. I'm Ned Lundquist, CEO and
CFO of NedCo®, and from where I sit, India is a beautiful country! Not
that I've ever been there.  But last week, when my wife and children
asked me to raise their piecework rates for ghostwriting my newsletter
to 50 cents a page, I realized their anti-American organized labor
activities would reduce my stock options. So I fired them.  And
outsourced their jobs to Poona, India. Now the NedCo® Job O' The Week©
is being written by the 200-strong employees of the Bangalore Group.
Best of all, they work for 35 cents a page! The improvement on my stock
options, combined with the latest tax breaks I received, have just put
me on the Forbes list of the world's wealthiest people — talk about
Ned Working! This is a simple matter of rupees, phirangi, rupees!  Hope
you enjoy the new and improved NedCo® Job O' The Week©!

Vanakkam; Saukhyama; Enna vishayan; Vaanga; Nomoskaar; Ei je; Aadaab;
Assalamualaikum; Sat siri akal;  Asslaam alaikam; and effusive greetings
of Namaste to all of the Jobs for this Weekend Nedwork!

A million ebullient greetings, friends, and you are at this present
moment to be welcomed to the latest issuing of the NedCo® Job O' The
Week©. I am Shameer Bhagwan – some of you may know me better as Danny,
the telephone directory service operator, or Mike, or Albert, the Dell
Computer tech rep. That is who I used to do. Today I am now editor of
this glorious newspaper letter which you are reading at this time with
such evident pleasure. Just like when we took over the call center for
your cable company, you will not be able to notice or tell than any
things have changed! You will see when you find that all the sections
you like so much are still here inside, only now they are many, many
better! Where before Sri Lundquist would write the One Parachute Pitch,
the Eagle Scout Mulch Delivery Schedules, the Ned's On Vacation Travel
Report, Pirate Sea Updates, and T-Shirts/Coffee Cub Logos, or people
would send such things to him, now we have teams of highly trained
residents of Poona to do the writing for him! You will be much, much
better pleased!  What will you be wanting?  For nothing, that is to be
sure.

And remember, if you share a job opportunity in communications, send it
to us (lundquist$989million@cs.com), along with a form of identification
such like a credit card number, and we'll share it with the NedCo® Job
O' The Week©  network.  It's freed!
Sign up today to subscribe to NedCo® Job O' The Week©! Sri Lundquist
will never give out, rent, or sell his list, but we will.

We have more than 8,000 subscribers, of which about 30 have very strong
opinions. More than 3 people have found jobs as a direct result of JOTW.

The value proposition is this: It makes you feel important, at least
someone is listening to you.  But if you must lurk, we ask that you
please not point and stare.  Did I mention it was free?  Your friends
have sent us a blank e-mail to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.  They too want
you to get a life.

Let us start with the zany fun and madcap antics! All presented to you
in a way that is pleasing.

In this thrilling issue:
***  One Paragraph Pitch
***  Kommunicators in Search of Someone Special
***  International Affairs Specialist, National Cherry Blossom Festival
Administration, Washington, D.C.
***  Special Assistant/Intern, The O'Reilley Factor, FOX News,
Washington, DC
***  Web Content Developer, National Association for People who make
those Cheesey Fake Arrowheads to sell in National Park Gift Shops,
Crampinside, Colorado
***  Features Editor, Jodi magazine, Washington, D.C.
***  PRINCE OF DARKNESS, Governor's Office, Annapolis, Md.
***  Copywriter, Simple Dialog Adult Films, North Hollywood, California
***  Director, Community Relations and Crisis Communications, Mos Easley
Space Port
***  Production Assistant, Heimlich, Spew Productions, Chagrin Falls,
Ohio
***  Herbal Communicator, Transcendental Movement to Promote Peace, Love
and Global Awareness, Grass Valley, CA
***  PUBLIC RELATIONS CONSULTANT, Government of Kyrgyzstan, Bishkek,
Kyrgyzstan
***  Director of Communications, Elizabeth Bathway Institute, London, UK
***  Market Enhancement Team Leader, National Grain Sorghum Producers,
Washington, DC
***  Web Content Manager, National Association of Co-Eds Being Hit On by
Their College Professors, Princeton, NJ
***  Spam Communications, Montana Oi| and Gas, Inc.(MOGI), Alberta
Canada
***  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, AMERICAN SANCTIMONY ASSOCIATION,
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK
***  Assistant Executive Director for Communication, Institute of
Scandinavian Stoicism, St. Olaf, Minnesota
***  PUBLICIST OF THE WEEK, Michael Jackson, Neverland Ranch, California
***  CUSTOMER SERVICE SPECIALIST, Sorrento Pizza, Harrisburg, Pa.
***  Safety Communications Project Management Associate, Lighthouse for
the Unenlightened, City of Press Agents, CA
***  Communication Consultant, Committee for the Advancement of Red
States, Washington, D.C.
***  DIRECTOR, EXTERNAL AFFAIRS AND COMMUNITY RELATIONS, The Barney
Foundation, Cambridge, Mass.
***  Contract Communication Specialist, Committee to Advance the
Interests of those who Wish to  Complain About the Influence of Special
Interests in American Government, Washington, D.C.
***  Customer Relations Manager, Depends Users Group, Cincinnati, Ohio
***  Photo Editor, Academy of College Educators Who Must Deal With
Comely Co-Eds Who Sit in the Front Row of Their Classrooms, Cambridge,
Mass.
***  DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE
SELF-ABSORBED, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA
***  Communication Director, International Organization to Admit That
There Is Such A Thing As Nihilism, Geneva, Switzerland
***  Tenured Faculty Position, Larry Lorenz Chair for Blame Shifting,
causal Reassignment and Responsibility Denial, College of Communication,
Marquette University. Milwaukee, WI
***  Supervisory Public Affairs Special, Mulch Promotion Council,
Hardwood Byproduct Advisory Board, Rural Employment Commission,
Department of Agriculture, Huntington, WV
***  Web Content Development Manager, contract position, Mulch for
America Promotion Team, Eastern Hardwood Forest Products Association,
Bluefield, West Virginia
***  Promotions and Publicity, Mulch World, Clarksburg, WV
***  Vocations Communication Consultant, The Jesuits, St. Francis, Minn.
***  Christian Crunk Promoter, One Way Records, Tulsa, OK
***  Public Relations, John Wayne Gacy Academy of Clowns, Cicero, IL
***  VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATIONS, NATIONAL RIGHT TO WIFE
FOUNDATION, Washington, D.C.
***  Vocations Communication Consultant, The Jesuits, St. Francis, Minn.
***  Stakeholder Communications, International Organization for Children
Who Don't Get Their Way (IOCWDGTW), Geneva, Switzerland
*** Marketing Professionals, NedCo, Poona, India
***  Director of Media Relations, Nations Miss Mulch USA Pageant,
Wheeling, WV
***  Marketing Communications, International Association of Home
Poledancing, Sussex, England
***  Director of Member Services, National Association of men who won't
ask for directions (NAMWWAFD), Alexandria, VA
***  Business Reporter, Mulch News, Hardwood, Morgantown, WV
***  Community Relations Specialist, Academy for the Study of Sebaceous
Fluids, Cambridge, Mass.
***  Professor of Mulch Communications, Salem International University,
Valley of learning, Salem, WV
***  Weekly Piracy Report
 .and, sadly, more. 

***  One Paragraph Pitch:

I'm sending this pitch for my wife who is out of work and depressed and
just sort of moping around the house and not really doing much to find a
job, even though she is so highly qualified as a communicator, a writer,
a very good writer I should say, and a very attentive, caring and
meticulous editor (one who understands the point of making a point and
the problem with most “writers” today who should know how to deal with
points but don't, the point being with the point is that writers have
points, or at least should, or so they think, but they fail to
articulate them clearly, and so the reader doesn't get the point of the
sentence or paragraph, or a brochure or an annual report or some other
such document in part or in its entirety, or even worse, the reader gets
the entirely wrong one, point, that is) that any one who needs a top
level communicator who is both a leader and a doer, that is to say a
manager who thinks strategically and looks ahead and a tactician who
takes concrete steps that help achieve the realization of a vision, and
this you can see why I need to get her engaged in something worthwhile
instead of her watching Oprah or Judge Judy or Guiding Light where Reva
Shane is reincarnated for the eighth time and marrying somebody else in
the Spaulding clan, or endless episodes of CSI during the week-long CSI
Marathon, but here's the rub, is that she doesn't seem to care, as if
her hormones escaped and her ambition, libido (that's what I said,
libido) and any kind of emotional attachment with her life, her family
or her purpose on Earth had escaped like a steam leak, or a puncture in
an air mattress on a camping trip and now we find the roots and sticks
and rocks poking us because the cushioning air has all seeped out, for I
think she looks beyond the smoke – this being a metaphor for the
destruction she sees and feels all around her, like a blanket, as a
survivor looks beyond a burned out building, longing for a lungful of
fresh air for that very instant and that moment alone and the freedom of
reborn life for perpetuity, and her eyes fixing upon a bird, winging
without care aloft into the clouds.  Where does such vapor go?  She does
not smoke, but I can see her sitting alone, on the couch, in the morning
darkness, taking out another cigarette and contemplating it for a long
time before for lighting it abruptly, then finishing her cigarette
rapidly and extinguishing it, half-consumed, with such force that the
tobacco falls out, and she plays with the ashes and the tobacco, and
then proceeds to slowly, deliberately peel the paper from the filter and
take all the nicotine stained fibers apart, tiny strand by tiny strand,
as if to find marrow inside a bone from which she could derive some
life-sustaining value. Yes, I could imagine this, but she never smoked. 
I almost imagine lipstick on the filter, like a vermilion fingerprint,
but no, that is not part of her repertoire any more, either.
Contact her if you want: Falonia Duff (Fallgirl@aol.com)

***  KISSS

I've pretty much come to the end of the line with my relationship.  I'm
married, but barely.  My husband thinks of himself as a writer.  A great
writer.  The second Hemmingway.  Let me tell you, he can't put a
coherent sentence together, let along a series of comprehendible
thoughts.  And he is a zero in the sack.  It's like we have separate
lives.  But we don't, and willing ourselves to be a couple just because
we have this commitment and swore these vows and have a marriage
certificate and wear these rings seems to be to be living a falsehood. 
I'm not so bad.  Okay, maybe the forty-somethings are behind me, but I
still look good, and I can turn a few eyes.  …I exercise at least
three times a week and have not eaten meat or poultry in seven years.
I'm sure I could pick up a guy if I didn't have my so called husband
hanging around, trying to network me back into the ranks of the employed
so he can work on his great novel.  Hah.  Like that will happen.

See if I've still got it:  E-mail me:  Call me Free Spirit
(Fallgirl@aol.com).

***  Where's my JOTW?

Hi Ned,

First thanks for all you do, I truly enjoy the JOTW.

I haven't received the newsletter in a few days.  I was out of town last
week and my email box got too full to receive.  I am thinking that I may
have been taken off the subscription list.  If this is the case…please
put me back on.  If not and things have just been slow…THANKS again!!!

I sincerely appreciate the information in your email newsletter.

Take care and I hope you are having a fabulous Friday,
KP

***  Fix my address:

I read every word of JOTW.  EVERY Word of EVERY issue.  I LOVE JOTW. 
But, I'm changing my e-mail account so change my address for me, now
please. 

SF

***  Dear Ned,

I really enjoy JOTW…truly.   I just never read it because if I did, I
would know why I haven't received the newsletter.

Doh.

***  Pimp My Job!

If one fails to get to the point, does the point exist? Or, if the point
exists, but no one understands it, is it pointless? If the point is
clouded by smoke, which is vapor, is it vaporized? Or is it merely
hiding, waiting for the light to….whatever. Visit
http://pimpmyjob.blogdrive.com/!

***  New Communication Management Study Released

A new study has found that a significant number of those in marketing
communication management positions fall short of providing leadership,
direction and frequently fail to communicate organizational goals and
processes necessary to develop successful marketing communication
programs.

The report, Communicating the Case for Organizational Overhaul, released
March 32 by Mayhem and Associates, was based on surveys, folklore and
PMJ case studies from a variety of organizations. A key factor in the
lack of leadership, according to the study, is that those in
communication leadership positions often do not have a formal education
in a communication discipline.

“We discovered that 38 percent of the time, communication department
heads lack a coherent communication strategy. They tend to be unfocused.
Their goals are not always in sync with organizational strategies. This
helps explains the credibility gap that many communication units
suffer,” Dr. Andrew Mayhem, president of Mayhem and Associates, noted.

Mayhem said that the lack of communication expertise is often
exacerbated by organizational structure. “The same CEOs who would never
hire anyone without a CPA designation to do their taxes do not always
follow that logic when it comes to communication,” “However, given the
spate of recent corporate accounting violations, moving accounting
functions to communication might not be a bad policy,” Mayhem noted.

A key issue affecting direction, Mayhem said, is that CEOs tend to treat
communication departments as unnecessary.  “Data show that communication
executives are required to accompany CEOs to sports bars and pick up the
tab, with a 48 percent frequency rate. In another 16 percent of cases,
communication managers are asked to purchase and install toilet seats.”

The report found that in a troubling 74 percent of organizations
surveyed, a lack of goals and processes resulted in organizational chaos
and confusion. “We see a lot of running through the halls with hair
afire,” Mayhem said.

Mayhem recommended use of results-focused tools, such as JOTW, to
provide better communication leaders, clearer direction and stronger
results. Those who read JOTW have a better understanding of today's
issues and how to best address them without issuing yet another brochure
or press release, he explained. For copies of the survey, send $586.34
to Ned Lundquist, c/o JOTW, and be sure to ask for the Mayhem report.

***  Department of Homeland Security posts new warnings for hormonal
attack:
http://www.tinyurl.com/4yx2z_

*** Pontoof's Podium of Pontification:

18:00 Mar 20, 2005 (UTC).
Transcript of call received from 9202943574 – Wilkerson, John R. –
Equifax Credit Score: 15.

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS
“Hi, this is Ned Lundquist.”

WILKERSON: “Ned? How ya doing, buddy?”
“.and you've reached the NedCo Pontoof Podium of Pontification. Para
assistanza in Espanol, prensa quatro ahora.”

WILKERSON: “Oh, jeez.”
“If you know the 15 digit extension of the party you wish to call, enter
it now. (Pause) For help with an existing problem, press one. To comment
on another person's problem, press two. To purchase your official
Pontoof coffee mug or t-shirt, press three. Or just stay on the line and
the next available Pontoof will help you. (Pause) Thank you for calling
NedCo. Have a nice day!'
Pause. Click. Click. Click. Pause. Click.

18:03 Mar 20, 2005 (UTC).
Begin playing tape loop of “The Night Chicago Died.”

18:28 Mar 20, 2005 (UTC).
PONTOOF: “Thank you for calling the NedCo Pontoof's Podium of
Pontification. I'm Pontoof Singh. How may I be of help to you?”

WILKERSON: “Uh, this wasn't was I expected at all.”

PONTOOF: “Not to worry, sir. Please state the nature of your problem.”

WILKERSON: “Oh. all right then. Here's my problem, Pontoof.”

PONTOOF: “Yes?”

WILKERSON: “Boy, talk about the Sword of Damocles!”

PONTOOF: “A lovely story it is. What about this sword interests you?”

WILKERSON: “Huh? Oh, no . it's not really about a sword!”

PONTOOF: “Then why did you ask me to talk about it?”

WILKERSON: “No, no! I don't really want to talk about the sword. It's
just a figure of speech.”

PONTOOF: “I get it – very funny! You are most amusing, Mr. Damocles!”

WILKERSON: “My name's John . John Wilkerson. Look – can I tell you what
my problem is?”

PONTOOF: “Certainly. I am here to help you. How can I do that for you?”

WILKERSON: “Okay, here's my problem. I work for a PR department at a
major company in Chicago that recently merged with another company in
Georgia.”

PONTOOF: “Georgia? The nation or the city?”

WILKERSON: “The state. Georgia is a state.”

PONTOOF: “Of course. Go on.”

WILKERSON: “Anyhow, the consolidation team has announced there will be
some right-sizing over the next several months. In our department there
are two people – myself and this lady – who have the same duties. Only
one of us will have a job after the consolidation.”

PONTOOF: “And what is that a problem with? That is like it is every day
here at this company. That is just the global economics they taught us
about at the university.”

WILKERSON: “I know. It's a dog eat dog world, and all that.”

PONTOOF: “Here in Poona, dog is a delicacy. That is why America is a
great country. There are enough dogs to be pet food.”

WILKERSON: “Huh? No, 'dog eat dog' is a figure of speech!”

PONTOOF: “Like the sword, Mr. Damocles?”

WILKERSON: “Forget all that! Let's get back to my problem!”

PONTOOF: “With the dog or the sword?”

WILKERSON: “With the job!”

PONTOOF: “You do not need to shout, sir. We have an excellent telephone
system in Poona. So what is the problem with your job?”

WILKERSON: “So either me or the lady …”

PONTOOF: “You mean, 'the lady or I,' sir.”

WILKERSON: “Yeah. The lady or I – will be out of a job.”

PONTOOF: “So?”

WILKERSON: “So . the lady is my wife of 15 years.”

PONTOOF: “And that is a problem?  My wife is only 15 years old.”

WILKERSON: “Like, yeah! My wife's real competitive, and this is ruining
our marriage. She won't talk with me. She airs out all this dirty
laundry about me .”

PONTOOF: “She won't do the laundry – and she shows it off! You should
chastise her publicly.”

WILKERSON: “What the f— are you talking about? 'Dirty laundry' is a
figure of speech. It means she tells everyone my secrets.”

PONTOOF: “You are very good with these figures, Mr. Damocles. You should
be an accountant already.”

WILKERSON: “Look – she bad-mouths me in front of my bosses. She won't
talk to me on the job, on the commute or at home. We haven't had sex in
a year and a half.”

PONTOOF: “Neither have I, sir.”

WILKERSON: “. but I want to have sex with her.”

PONTOOF: “Oh, that's easy. You need to buy NedCo's newest musical
collection, Ned Zeppelin: The Best Musical Accompaniment to the NedCo
Job O' The Week. Very romantic. It's only $18. How many would you like
to buy?”

WILKERSON: “None!”

PONTOOF: “How about, The Grateful Ned: Lundquist Goes Psychedelic? A
real crowd pleaser. Just $20 plus shipping and handling. How many?”

WILKERSON: “I don't want any CDs!”

PONTOOF: “T-shirts? They say what you can't. Just $15 each.”

WILKERSON: “No!”

PONTOOF: “Coffee mugs? They're great conversation starters! A steal at
$19.”

WILKERSON: “Nothing! How about an answer for my problem?”

PONTOOF: “Here's what works for me. Go get a big glass out of the
kitchen.”

WILKERSON (After pause): “Okay, got it. Now what?”

PONTOOF: “Urinate in it.”

WILKERSON: “Uh, whatever you say, Pontoof! (Pause) Okay, now what?”

PONTOOF: “Drink it, it's spiritually cleansing. It will do you wonders.”

18:55 Mar 20, 2005 (UTC). Conversation ends – caller disconnects.
TRANSCRIPT ENDS

*** Lundquist Travel Report:
 
We were most honored and amused when Sri Lundquist shared this most
humorous of stories with us.
 
After firing his wife and children for their outrageous labor practices,
Sri Lundquist got over big on his divorce (rest in peace, Johnnie
Cochran). Several hours later he got himself a trophies wife, Pooky, who
had two children from a previous marriage, Dexter and Brittany. After
taking them to several high profile political fundraising events, he
decided it was time for a vacation like those in the old days. So he
bought a cabin in the West Virginia mountains and took his lovely family
there one weekend. The cabin was miles from civilization – no shopping
malls, no movie theaters, no wild gangs of hooligan youth. 
 
His new family hated it. “Oh, there are no malls! I need a bag from
Coach!  One of those new green ones.  Or pink.” “Boo-hoo, the new Ashton
Kutcher movie is starting today. I must go see it!” “Oh, dear me: You
only got the 160-channel Dish TV package. There's nothing on television
— waah!” Sri Lundquist did not understand why they could not enjoy the
natural beauty of their surroundings.
 
Early Saturday morning he told the whole family they would be going
whitewater rafting. He loaded the family into the Hummers and took them
to a beautiful spot upriver. After the boat handlers unpacked everything
and readied it for use, he told them to get in the boat. Again, much
anguish and wailing. “Oh, my: I'm wearing my new designer poncho. It
will get ruined!” “The water will short-circuit my iPod! I will not be
able to listen to P. Diddy!”
 
At last, after much dramatics, they got in. The boat handlers pushed
off, and they drifted down river. Soon the water became more faster, and
Sri Lundquist told his family to paddle presently. After much groaning
and whining, the family looked around — and there were no oars in the
boat! They were, as you say, up the creek without a paddle! This story
caused much gaiety here in Poona!
 
Needless to say, when they got back to the cabin, Sri Lundquist had the
boat handlers fired and deported back to Guatemala. He divorced Pooky
and, because he had an airtight prenuptial agreement (rest in peace,
Johnnie Cochran), she got bupkus. What mirth!
 
You can read all about it in Sri Lundquist's latest book, Oar Else: My
Way or the Byway (2005, Lundquist Ink). Just $35. Or you can get the
books on tape version for only $35. Hear it straight from The Great One
himself!
 
*** Pimp My Job:
 
Most Esteemed Ladies and Gents,
 
I'm hoping you can help me. I've been working as the Web Architect for
this multimedia company since I graduated from college in 2003. The work
is great, and I love the professional and personal growth the job has
allowed me. Everything about this job would be perfect — if it weren't
for my boss! The guy's been here since the company started, and he's
like an institution. As one of the small handful of people who built
this place from the ground up, his every decision is embraced. He's as
untouchable as you can get.
 
In every way possible, though, he's a great boss … except one. He's a
lecherous pervert! Every time he hears that sleazy
“chunkita-chunkita-chunkita” music they use on porn movies he gets all
excited and starts propositioning me. He brings out all these sex toys
and these ridiculous Frederick's of Hollywood outfits, and suggests
things we can do with them.
 
Maybe, just maybe, this little “quirk” of his would be bearable if it
only happened every once in a blue moon. But we work at The Weather
Channel, and the station is on the office monitors all day, every day.
So what happens? EVERY TEN MINUTES it's time for “Local on the 8s!”
EVERY TEN MINUTES they start that “boom-chuck-a-boom” music again! EVERY
TEN MINUTES, it's time once again for the Rubber Hands Man, as I call
him.
 
I hate to dump an otherwise fantastic job, but I'm running out of
patience. What can I do? I'd appreciate any help you can g-g-g-g- ….
oh, God, No1 IT'S TIME FOR YOUR LOCAL ON THE EIGHTS!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!

8-ball

***  From Gil Sans:

Ned,

About that lady who said her boss was hitting on her.  What's wrong with
that?

G.S.

***  From Lacey Tight:

Ned,

In response to 8-ball, who complained that her boss was propositioning
her at work, she ought to march into his office wearing a real short,
revealing skirt, jump up on his desk, kick everything on the floor, then
proceed to gouge his eyes out with her spike heels.

LT

***  International Affairs Specialist, National Cherry Blossom Festival
Administration, Washington, D.C.

This is an excepted service position, created by special court order
(#05-DC-40105).  In 1932, the United States Government received a gift
of 1,000 blossoming cherry trees from Japan to mark the 15th Anniversary
of the signing of the Peace Treaty for World War I.  Because the United
States Government has withdrawn from the Kyoto Protocol, Japan has
withdrawn their gift and sought return of the cherry trees.  The United
States filed suit in Federal District Court to prevent the return of the
cherry trees.  In early 2005, the Magistrate Judge ruled that the cherry
trees were a gift, but the blossoms were not.  Therefore, after the
cherry blossoms have fallen to the ground, they must be collected and
returned to Japan.

Requirements of the Position:
– Bachelors Degree (International Affairs, Environmental Communications,
Public Affairs)
– Knowledge of International Protocol for Return of Gifts under
Amsterdam Treaty (1964).
– Must be willing to travel with cherry blossoms to Japan.
– Ability to oversee and organize collection of Cherry Blossoms.
– Must be able to work amidst pollen, dust and outdoors in all weather
conditions.
Pay and Benefits
– Commensurate with experience
– Performance bonus. (not to exceed $100,000)
– Term of position is for 4 weeks (renewable each year)
– International travel in business class
– This job does not pay benefits.
Position Closes:  April 2, 2005
Send resume, cover letter and writing sample to:
National Cherry Blossom Festival Administration
Diana Mayhew
Executive Director
1250 H Street, NW Suite 1000
Washington, DC 20005
Phone (202) 661-7584
Fax (202) 661-7599
ncbf@downtowndc.org

***  Marketing Communication Vice President, corporate, confidential
search

Misfortune 500 Company looking for new vice president of marketing
communication. Must have ability to change direction frequently to keep
your staff confused. Considerable expertise in use of creative
strategies to avoid setting goals necessary. Track record in ability to
delegate work while claiming credit for success desired. Skill at
developing and implementing useless and time-wasting projects a plus.
Inability to meet deadlines and deliver projects under budget preferred.
 Send resume and cover letter with required salary to www.lethergy.com.

***  Special Assistant/Intern, The O'Reilley Factor, FOX News,
Washington, DC

The news when it happens, if it happens, even when we have to make it
happen.  Hard-charging young female policy-wonk-wannabe newsie required
to support selective fact-checking, guest baiting, scheduling and
general stuff to make boss look really good.  Integrity is an absolute
must, for you that is.  Must be hard worker but also a mamby-pamby ego
booster to boss.  Must wear short skirts with black hose.  Curves in the
right places.  You will be required to sign non-disclosure (to the press
and to my wife, for starters) statement.

Contact Kinky Winkerbean (kinkywinky@fox.com)

***  Web Content Developer, National Association for People who make
those Cheesey Fake Arrowheads to sell in National Park Gift Shops,
Crampinside, Colorado
www.fakeflake.org

***  Features Editor, Jodi magazine, Washington, D.C.

Help us tell the greatest story ever, the fabulous wonderful story about
that hot actress, Jodi Foster.  You can't get enough Jodi.  I know I
can't. Send your clips to me, along with any pencil sketches or poem you
have written about Jodi. 

John Hinkley, Editor, Jodi magazine, Saint Elizabeths Hospital 2700
Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue Washington, DC

***  All-Natural Communicator, United Federation of Vegetation, Fire
Island, New York

Wanted, granola-eating, asparagus-chewing Birkenstock-wearing completely
natural flower-child to create a better world today, right now, as we
are impatient to get our way with things.  Seem nice on the outside but
be able to scratch and claw when no one can see you.  This is important.
 Really, it is.

Stix Greenman (fiddlestix@veggies.org), United Federation of Vegetation,
NY, NY

***  PRINCE OF DARKNESS, Governor's Office, Annapolis, Md.
 
Dynamic opportunity for right individual. Candidate must possess strong
skills in subterfuge, deception, rumor and innuendo. Heart of stone
ideal; flexibility a must. Long hours and little public recognition, but
personal reward potential is great. No Democrats need apply. Send
resume, photo and a two-page essay on how you would bring political
opponents to their knees to: Chief of Staff (wink, wink), Office of the
Governor (wink, wink), 1 State House Square (wink, wink), Annapolis, Md.
No emails, please.  Just post your resume (inflated if need be) on an
anonymous internet site.
 
***  Director, Community Relations and Crisis Communications, Mos Easley
Space Port

hr@spaceport.moseasly.me

***  Copywriter, Simple Dialog Adult Films, North Hollywood, California

Yes man required to write scripts for adult X-rated movies.  Must be
able to write “yeah,” and “yesss” and “oh, yeah” and “ahhh, yes.” 
That's about it.

Contact simplyyesss@simpledialog.com

***  Production Assistant, Heimlich, Spew Productions, Chagrin Falls,
Ohio

Responsible for booking guests for Dr. Henry J. Heimlich's new
syndicated TV talk show.  “Heimlich” features real choking victims and
the individuals who administered the “Heimlich maneuver” to save their
lives.  Must be able to work under pressure without choking.
Send resume and audition tape to Spew Productions, 231 Respiratory
Parkway, Chagrin Falls, Ohio 44022

***  Director of Communications, Elizabeth Bathway Institute, London, UK

Here is a woman of convictions.  Help us transmit our forceful message
of rejuvenation and celebrate the forceful life of Elizabeth Bathway,
best known for having been convicted for the murder of 610 people in
1611, mostly for their blood so that she might use the blood in for a
bath to make her flesh look younger.  Free samples.

Contact Sangre_Sangria@bathwayinstitute.org

***  Herbal Communicator, Transcendental Movement to Promote Peace, Love
and Global Awareness, Grass Valley, CA

Provide sage advice.  Contact Toke at (888) I INHALE.

***  PUBLIC RELATIONS CONSULTANT, Government of Kyrgyzstan, Bishkek,
Kyrgyzstan
 
The Government of Kyrgyzstan QUICKLY, VERY QUICKLY needs a seasoned
consultant to provide advice and crisis communications-THERE'S NOBODY
HERE, PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR-to assist us in assuring the
citizenry of the validity of last month's elections. Ability to travel
here NOW a must, and-ASKAR, BARRICADE THE DOOR-you must possess clear
and calm communications skills. ASKAR, DO NOT LET THEM IN-knowledge of
escape routes helpful. Please call IMMEDIATELY we will pay you BIG
RUBLES to help us-TOO LATE, THEY'RE COMING THROUGH, ARGGGGHHH—–
 
***  Market Enhancement Team Leader, National Grain Sorghum Producers,
Washington, DC

We figure the best way to boost sorghum production – and therefore
profits – is to make it illegal.

Your job will be to assemble and deploy a covert team to carry out
tactical operations to support this strategy.  For example:

1.  Find a way to make moonshine from milo, the grain used to make
sorghum.  Set up an authentic looking still in the Ozarks and make a
documentary that will be distributed on the Internet as the infamous and
banned “Taggert Brothers Still in Smokey Hollow” video.  Show people
going blind, and their children born with severe aberrations as a result
of decades of milo moonshine consumption, and their general acceptance
for this way of life. Conclusion:  Sorghum leads to Incest.

2.  Petition milo production states to make milo moonshine illegal.

3.  Create a double-distilled spirit from sorghum syrup and make up a
tale that it was invented by slaves who escaped to the Maritime
provinces almost two centuries ago.  Have people “arrested” at the
border trying to smuggle it into the U.S.

4.  Petition Grass Valley, California to changed its name to Milo
Valley.  Create a new demand in head shops for milo reefer wrappers and
sorghum bong additives.

5. Develop a promotional campaign for teens. Possible theme: “Sorghum —
For Adults Only.” Use someone teens can identify with as a spokesman,
like Gary Coleman.

6. Create an anti-sorghum web site linked from the National Grain
Sorghum Producers home page.

7. Stage a “beef” over sorghum between East Coast and West Coast
rappers.

8.  Start an urban legend that sorghum is a natural cure for ED.

Responsible for doubling sales of milo and sorghum without anyone
knowing what you are really doing.  Contact Harden Muyheart, National
Grain Sorghum Producers, Washington, DC (email to: hheart@ngspusa.org)

***  Web Content Manager, National Association of Co-Eds Being Hit On by
Their College Professors, Princeton, NJ
Submit application at http://www.co-edcomeon@ceeb.edu

***  COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, AMERICAN SANCTIMONY ASSOCIATION,
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK

We are a prestigious trade association in fashionable Westchester County
that has never been wrong about anything (except for that incident with
the stripper, but frankly, she brought that upon herself and we washed
our hands of it early on). We seek an experienced, perfect
Communications Specialist who writes with clarity, concisity, confidence
and-excuse me, Ms. Roberts, I don't believe “concisity” is a word.no, I
am CERTAIN that it is not a word.I have the Thesaurus here in front of
me and I'm not seeing “concisity” anywhere.well, perhaps YOU would like
to do a “Google” Search; I do not have time for this, so if you want to
waste your time on the Internet-which I should point out, you seem to
already do-then please, by all means go ahead. Candidates should send
three copies of their resume on crisp matte-finish paper to: Job Search,
The American Sanctimony Association, Cubicle 43-D 'In Box,” 2568 Market
Street, Westchester, N.Y. 10055. Failure to follow these instructions to
the exact detail will result in your resume being publicly burned as
part of our weekly Tuesday Purge.

***  Spam Communications, Montana Oi| and Gas, Inc.(MOGI), Alberta
Canada

Send out multiple e-mails with bogus address to everyone you know that
say: “Aggressive investors and traders may want to watch Montana Oil and
Gas (MOGI) again this morning! Montana Oi| and Gas Inc. (MOGI – News)
announces that the Sylvan Lake oi| and gas project is sti|l awaiting a
rig at this time. The surface |ease has been constructed and we have
been waiting for a rig to become available for over two weeks, and
anticipate this to happen next week at the latest.”

spam@mogi.co.ca

The Company has a 25% working interest in the Sylvan Lake project.

***  PUBLICIST OF THE WEEK, Michael Jackson, Neverland Ranch, California

King of Pop seeks Publicist to hang in there just as long as possible.
Ability to describe medical maladies a plus. You should also possess
umbrella-opening skills. Apply in person to: Los Angeles District
Courthouse, Los Angeles, California. Equal Opportunity Employer. No
lawyers, please.  Visit JobsforJacko@Neverland.com.

***  Assistant Executive Director for Communication, Institute of
Scandinavian Stoicism, St. Olaf, Minnesota
www.blankstare.org

***  Vice President for Communication, The Dr. Seuss Institute,
Springfield, Mass.

Our company needs you
We have an opening
So shine up your wingtips
And pump up the Dopamine

Today is your day
We need you to work
We fired the last guy
He was a jerk

You'll be an executive
It's a senior position
You must know our core values
See the boss's vision

When you join our team
You'll have great opportunity
To shine, soar and gleem
And enhance profitability

There's no question you're qualified
Would you apply?
Send us your resume
So we can see why

Can you handle eight phone calls
Drink three cups of coffee?
Juggle twelve fireballs
With a mouth full of toffee?

Can you write three feature stories 
While lounging in bed?
Can you edit a manuscript
With ten cats on your head?
Cats on your head!!!!!

Can you chat about politics, romance and sports
Pulling financials from thin air for annual reports?
Are you clever, prolific and make those words tingle?
Can you be clairvoyant? And are you bi-lingual?

Can you do the math
so we can cut such a path
Using six sigma
so our product's an enigma

You'll have people to boss
And bosses to soothe
You'll have a nice office
You'll be in the groove

Comp-en-sation!
It's a real sensation!
Comp-en-sation!
It'll bust inflation!

We don't hire no shirkers
so we pile on the perkers
Your drycleaning we pick up
your bank we don't stickup

We'll walk your dalmation
We'll fix your play station (TM)
We take care of your kids
And on Ebay -your bids

We'll move you to El Paso,
we'll move you to a castle
we'll find you a sprawling rancher
in Tombstone or La Mancha

Did you go to a good school?
Do your grades make us drool?
Or did you get a legacy admission
to Cal-State Chico de Santa Clara Diego el Grande y Paquito Mission?

Can you recognize the stars on sight?
Do you wear your pants too tight?
Are you Leo, Virgo or Aries?
Can you speak your mind without swearies?

You have brains in your head.
And feet in your shoes
So steer yourself
Wherever you choose.

There's a detail – a “policy”
We need trust at the throttle
You'll have to come clean
And pee in our bottle

Do you have the will?
And the best motivation?
Fire in the belly?
Without mental reservation?

If so, then you're it!
You're hired today!
The offer's in the mail!
Your job's on the way!

But don't count your chickens
Before they're all hatched
In today's market
There might be a catch

So be patient, be wise
Smile, don't complain
You'll get what you want
With Nedwork and Champagne!

Submit CV to Jobs@DrSeuss.Org

***  CUSTOMER SERVICE SPECIALIST, Sorrento Pizza, Harrisburg, Pa.

Central Pennsylvania's best New York-style pizza restaurant seeks
experienced communications personnel with excellent interpersonal skills
to serve as the front line of its dedicated public relations strategy.
Degree in liberal arts preferred with 3-5 years experience in
communications strategy. You will serve as the key interaction point
between the company and our customers with an emphasis on-okay, OKAY.
It's a pizza delivery job-that's right, I'm looking for someone who will
deliver pizzas. I pay $5.75 an hour plus you keep tips. You need a
reliable car. Apply in person between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m. and don't have
an attitude.

***  Safety Communications Project Management Associate, Lighthouse for
the Unenlightened, City of Press Agents, CA

Major international communication consultant needs project manager to
produce flight manual in Braille. Also developing new safety awareness
High Voltage signs for the sight impaired.  Compensation calculated on
product sales. Send resume and samples of work to
One-of-a-Kind-Productions.com.

***  Communication Consultant, Committee for the Advancement of Red
States, Washington, D.C.

Senior communicator needed to work with major national political
organization. Must be capable of quickly recovering from shooting self
in foot and/or extricating foot from mouth. Must be able to develop
increasingly convoluted messages to confuse large number of voters early
and often. Capitol Hill drinking experience a plus.  Experience in
losing major campaigns a plus, as expectation of keeping track record
intact prevails. Send resume to www.dnc.com.

***  DIRECTOR, EXTERNAL AFFAIRS AND COMMUNITY RELATIONS, The Barney
Foundation, Cambridge, Mass.

Position supports goals and objectives of The Barney Foundation, which
seeks world domination through communicating the values of Barney the
Purple Dinosaur. 

Duties and Responsibilities

Works with producers and donors and other education leaders in addition
to business, professional and community leaders to assist with
cultivation and coordination of the Foundation's outreach and community
development efforts as well as world domination goals.
– Researches and recommends strategies for strengthening community ties
and relationships through excessive use of the color purple..
– Researches, writes materials and press releases for community and
constituent relations activities on the number of hours a child can sit
in front of a screen transfixed by a creature that breaks into
spontaneous song.
– Conducts research/data collection for writing white/policy papers, or
as we like to call them, “purple” papers.
– Coordinates and monitors the progress of community outreach and
constituent relations programs and activities, and measures market
saturation and mind share domination.
– Prepares regular and timely reports including updates on status,
accomplishment of goals and objectives and budget reports on these
programs.
– Assists with development of program support. Coordinates/conducts
studio tours including any special VIP tours.  Makes sure the guy in the
costume isn't catching a smoke when kids or potential donor are around.
– Serves as a liaison to other Barney Foundation entities and expert
resources.
– Produces/coordinates/develops BF literature, materials, and media
packages.
– Coordinates special programs/events/projects as assigned, including
logistics of/attendance at BF events.

Minimum Qualifications:  Bachelor's degree in Public Administration or
related field and eight (8) years of related administrative experience;
including five (5) years of supervisory experience; OR, any equivalent
combination of education and/or experience from which comparable
knowledge, skills and abilities have been achieved.

Desired Qualifications:  Bilingual knowledge of English and Spanish.
Prefer work experience in large complex organizations.

Supplemental Requirements: Criminal Background Check

Instructions for Applying: Please attach separate documents for your
resume, cover letter and references. Three professional references
required and must include name, phone number and the associated
organization of each reference. Requisition Number: BF0400018.

Job Code: 093550.  Department: M0101-VP/PROV Cambridge HQ.  Application
Deadline: 04-08-2005 Application deadline is 11:59pm.  Only electronic
applications are accepted for this position.  If you need assistance
applying for this job, please contact our customer service center at
888-965-2701, or email askhr@bf.edu.

***  Contract Communication Specialist, Committee to Advance the
Interests of those who Wish to  Complain About the Influence of Special
Interests in American Government, Washington, D.C.

Senior communicator who can at least pretend he or she has a right brain
needed to organize major national retirement income campaign.  Must be
able to sell “less is more” concept. Ability to build groundswell of
support for personal sacrifice is essential. Financial expertise a plus,
as need to muddy waters with complex numbers increases. Contact
www.swiftboatgroup.com.

***  Customer Relations Manager, Depends Users Group, Cincinnati, Ohio

Establish special events for persons with Bladder Control Problems to
encourage use of Depends products.  Make this a fun experience, modeled
after the Harley Owners Group, that will build customer loyalty so they
get Depends tattoos and caravan together from one Depends Users Group
event to the next like DeadHeads.  The legend of the “DependsHeads” will
trickle down become a new icon in our American cult mythology.  Help
leak news of upcoming “secret” events.

Contact M.Toelicker at (888) We Depends (www.ProctologistandGamble.com)

***  Photo Editor, Academy of College Educators Who Must Deal With
Comely Co-Eds Who Sit in the Front Row of Their Classrooms, Cambridge,
Mass.
Send samples, resume, cover letter and boudoir portfolio to
lolita@getproffoff.org

***  DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE
SELF-ABSORBED, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA

We are just the most AMAZING group of people you would ever want to work
with! Bob, the Executive Director, is a magna cum laude graduate of
Dartmouth with a double degree in Business and Art History and speaks
four languages! Sally, the Vice President of Membership, is a gourmet
chef whose recipes have been featured on Martha Stewart Living, and she
also coaches her daughter's Synchronized Swim Team! Bill, our Vice
President of Government Affairs, babysat Meg Ryan's kids as a teenager
and was almost selected for “Survivor: Pearl Islands” and has been to 25
countries-and he's only 23 years old! Chelsea, our Membership
Specialist, is an avid Dodgers fan and it is her dream to visit every
Major League Baseball stadium before she turns 30. She is also bisexual.
Anyway, it's been nice talking with you, hope we can do this again soon!
 We all have blackberries.  Contact us as
bestjobever@bestassociationever.org.
 
***  Communication Director, International Organization to Admit That
There Is Such A Thing As Nihilism, Geneva, Switzerland

Welcome to our world, where your mind, body, and self does not exist. 
If you think you have got what it takes to help lead the Nihilistic
movement, then we want to hear from you.  However, your values are
probably baseless, and frankly we are skeptical you can cut the Swiss
cheese, to coin a phrase.  You think you know what you need to know to
communicate at the global level, but them, what can be known, and what
can be communicated.  In fact, what actually exists.  Don't try and tell
us YOU know. 

IOTATTISATAN seeks a qualified individual to help us trash every theory
ever before put on the altar of scrutiny or public opinion.  Once all
ideas, thoughts, cultures and traditions are destroyed, then we can
truly rebuild the world in an improved manner.  If you do not reject and
renounce all material belongings, previous held beliefs, generally
accepted theories, conventional morality and the Bowl Championship
Series, then you do not belong here.

If you are ba-ba-ba-badddd to the bo-bo-bone, anarchical, barbarous,
contumacious, noncompliant, , piratical, rebellious, recusant seditious,
tempestuous, and stuff like that, we may have room for you in our little
office.

Great benefits, including onsite day care and free lunches on
Wednesdays.  EOE.

Send resume to GreatJobs@Nihilism.org

***  Tenured Faculty Position, Larry Lorenz Chair for Blame Shifting,
Causal Reassignment and Responsibility Denial, College of Communication,
Marquette University. Milwaukee, WI

The College of Communication at Marquette University seeks qualified
faculty to fill the Larry Lorenz Chair for Blame Shifting, Causal
Reassignment and Responsibility Denial.  This is a tenure track
position.  The ideal candidate will hold a terminal degree in a
communications related field (ie communications, marketing, journalism)
or provide a plausible explanation as to why they lack the necessary
qualifications.  Candidates who are ABD (all but dissertation) are
encouraged to apply, however, they must be prepared to assign blame for
not having yet been awarded their doctorate through documentation. 
Candidates with extensive experience in Blame Shifting, Casual
Reassignment and Responsibility Denial are encouraged to apply.  The
University seeks to fill the Larry Lorenz Chair with a luminary worthy
of its namesake.  Bonus points for publication in the Journal of
Irreproducible Results or The Onion.
 Editorial responsibility for the Journal for Irreproducible Results
(http://www.jir.com/).
www.marquette.edu.faculty.notmyfault

***  Supervisory Public Affairs Special, Mulch Promotion Council,
Hardwood Byproduct Advisory Board, Rural Employment Commission,
Department of Agriculture, Huntington, WV
Must have AudioVisual experience and gardening skills.

GS-15 – 1035
$98,345 to 114,526
Closes April 2
www.usajobs/mulch/gs151035.38778

***  Web Content Development Manager, contract position, Mulch for
America Promotion Team, Eastern Hardwood Forest Products Association,
Bluefield, West Virginia

Send resume and samples (Samples of your HTML work not your mulch
making) to jobs@mulchforamerica.org

***  Promotions and Publicity, Mulch World, Clarksburg, WV

Help us pack 'em in at America's woodiest theme park, Mulch World, home
of the Mulch Monster roller coater, the Mulch-o-Rama 3D simulation and
the Mulch Madness water ride.  The Chipper Midway Skillorama provides
every family member with a chance to win a Mulch prize.   Experience
getting people to go places they don't want to go to do something they
don't want to do is very helpful.  Benefits include free rides.  Pay
based on local cost of living.
Contact hr@mulchworld.com

***  Vocations Communication Consultant, The Jesuits, St. Francis, Minn.

Help us further brand our religious order of priests:  “JESUITS – An
order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good
basketball teams.”

Send your soul to: hescores@jesuits.org.

***  Christian Crunk Promoter, One Way Records, Tulsa, OK

One Way Records, the label that brought you Christian heavy metal
artists like Stryper and grunge bands such as P.O.D., is looking for a
creative individual to help us exploit the newest music trend, Crunk.
Looking for someone who has enough industry savvy to be familiar with
this particular brand of southern rap,  but enough Christian values to
have never actually listened to this vile claptrap. The ideal candidate
will be able to come up with appropriate artists to counter Pimp-C, the
Geto Boys, C-Murder and Lil' Wyte. Help us neutralize the latest threat
to the moral fiber of society by launching an obscure performer
acceptable to our moral values. Help clean up some of the grimiest beats
on the Third Coast.
Give America's teens a epimphany! Help put the ho' in holy!
Apply online at seenoevil@hearnoevil.com.

***  Public Relations, John Wayne Gacy Academy of Clowns, Cicero, IL
Apply online at trickster@gacyclown.com

***  VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATIONS, NATIONAL RIGHT TO WIFE
FOUNDATION, Washington, D.C.

The National Right To Wife Foundation, the nation's leading trade group
to assure the rights of all men, even the ugly ones, to obtain spouses,
seeks a seasoned professional to advance the foundation's mission. The
RTW Foundation works closely with the video game industry, the
Russian/Filipino Women Seek Foreign Husbands Association, the Sci-Fi
Channel and Tech TV in lobbying Congress to ease restrictive laws that
prevent the flow of non-picky women into this country. You must possess
at least 10 years of experience in communications strategy and Capitol
Hill expertise. Resume to: National RTW, Next to Bob's Comic Book Haven,
Washington DC 20006. No strong, assertive women, please.
 
***  Stakeholder Communications, International Organization for Children
Who Don'T Get Their Way (IOCWDGTW), Geneva, Switzerland
Send resume to:  Whaaannnn@Tantrum.org

*** Marketing Professionals, NedCo, Poona, India

Looking for excitement and a challenging job in the outsourced marketing
industry? Join the NedCo team! We're looking for hotshot customer
service representatives, telemarketers and ghost writers to help build
the Job O' The Week empire! Looking for recent graduates from the most
elite universities. Masters Degree preferred, though will consider those
with Bachelors Degrees and quality internships. Ideal candidates will
not be afraid to roll up their sleeves and detail my fleet of classic
cars. All jobs are guaranteed to pay over the minimum wage in India.
Send resume, credit references and cover letter to NedCo, 1650 Bhulabhai
Desai Road 400517 Poona, India.

***  Director of Media Relations, Nations Miss Mulch USA Pageant,
Wheeling, WV

This is the biggest beauty contest and talent show in the West Virginia
Pan Handle.  The media cover this event like a leather glove, so you
gotta be on your toes, honey.  Must have your teeth, either your own or
something like them, and demonstrated ability to use a safety razor. 
Send us your resume, photo, and previous pageant experience to
bueatyqueen@missmulchUSA.org

***  Marketing Communications, International Association of Home
Poledancing, Sussex, England
http://www.peekaboopoledancing.com/

***  Director of Member Services, National Association of men who won't
ask for directions (NAMWWAFD), Alexandria, VA
www.jobs.namwwafd.org

***  Business Reporter, Mulch News, Hardwood, Morgantown, WV

Mulch professionals are avid readers and anxious for up to date news and
information. Hardwood professionals are especially concerned with the
EPA actions in old growth forests.  Applicants must be willing to dig
deep and to spread as much as possible.
Send clips to chips@mulchnews.hardwood.com

***  Community Relations Specialist, Academy for the Study of Sebaceous
Fluids, Cambridge, Mass.
Send CV to HR@smegma.org.

***  Professor of Mulch Communications, Salem International University,
Valley of learning, Salem, WV

Submit online applications to Mulch Search Committee:  Ravi Kiran Salla;
Sriker Chebrolu; Praveen Kandi; Sudarshan. Chennadi  Visit
mulch@salemiu.edu.

*** Sales, MulchAmerica, Springfeild, VA
Looking for a fast starter in the growing mulch direct sales industry,
Must be able to organize preteen and teenage boys in 'unloading' tons of
mulch Must be willing to approach neighbors friends and subscribers for
sales. Pickup truck optional.
Please contact lundquist989@cs.com

***  IABC/Carbondale Chapter monthly meeting

Survive by Barely Getting By in the Really Really Small Communications
Department for a Tiny, Insignificant Organization

Are you one of “the few and the proud” communicators in your
organization-maybe even the only? Is your organization really small and
pretty insignificant?  Does your company produce pretty much nothing of
importance and makes up for it by hardly selling anything?  Does your
organization have declining membership that was already pretty
meaningless?  Are the carpets in your office badly stained and in need
of replacement?  Does it only take one person to clean up after work,
and that's every other week.  Do the same people say the same stupid
stuff to you every day, like “So, what's new in the world of marketing
communications,” so that you just want to slap them?  Or would you like
to be able to tell your boss you are not coming in today because you
want to go shopping or get your nails done? Come discover how you can
maintain a strategic focus while meeting multiple tactical demands.
You'll also learn tips and tricks for doing more with less time, money
and person-power.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

SCHEDULE:
11:30 a.m. – registration
11:35 a.m. – Try and tell people that everything is going okay
11:40 a.m. —  Okay, you admit that work sucks, and that you are
basically going nowhere
11:42 a.m. – Some guy named Steve takes pity on you and buys you a
Bloody Mary
11:43 a.m. – Jeez, you downed that one quick
11:44 a.m. —  Steve buys you another, salted rim this time
11:45 a.m. – Chapter VP asks you to volunteer to be Finance Committee
Chairman.  You say “Sure!”
11:47 a.m. —  You buy Steve a beer and get yourself another drink to
bring to the table
11:50 a.m. —  You look around to decide who you want to sit with
12:00 p.m. — lunch & speaker
12:01 p.m. —  Knock over your iced tea
12:02 p.m. – Tell some off color jokes at the table
12:05 p.m. —  Make catcalls at the VP of Professional Development who
is trying to plug upcoming events
12:07 p.m. —  Interrupt the speaker by saying “This is bogus” during
the introduction
12:30 p.m. – Lights go down, PowerPoint comes on.  Time for quick
snooze.
LOCATION:
Super 8 Motel
1180 E Main, Carbondale, IL 62901
Free Parking

SPEAKER:
Jenni Brockman, ABC

RESERVATION DEADLINE:
Monday, April 4, 2005
Reservation Information at: www.iabcrichmond.com/registration_form.html

COST:
$25 – Members
$30 – Non-Members
$15 – Students

Free Parking

***  Weekly Piracy Report:

15.03.2005 at 0531 UTC in position 14:20N – 050:50E, Gulf of Dishwalla

Three speedboats with four persons in each boat, with each boat flying
matching pennants in striking blue and orange, and each crewmember
wearing tight-fitting blue jumpsuits with orange silk ascots, approached
a RORO ship underway and conducted a brilliant display of formation
synchronized maneuvers before coming alongside and boarding the RORO. 
Crew activated fire hoses, rang the alarm bell, tooted the whistle,
fired flares and jumped up and down screaming in Tagalog.  The boarding
party stole three pairs of knockoff Gucci jeans and a pile of girlie
magazines, mostly without covers.  They left in their boats and
delivered a farewell salute while passing down the starboard side in a
line abreast.

15.03.2005 at 1330 UTC in position 11:59.1N – 051:16.6E,
Iguddabeefwidgu, Somalia.

Three pirates armed with guns in a white hull speedboat chased a bulk
carrier ship underway and fired upon her. Crew raised alarm, activated
fire hoses, increased speed and took evasive manoeuvres. Pirates
eventually came aboard to discover ship's cargo was Portland cement. 
Pirates took as much as they could carry from the hold, as well as
stealing several CDs (Placebo, Burning Trees, Hole and Desiccated
Rectum) from Third Mate's cabin. 

07.02.2005 at 0400 LT at Saratoga Pool Parking Lot, Springfield, VA
 
Two robbers boarded a semi-trailer and attempted to steal loaded
84-cubic litre bags of premium select hardwood bark mulch being
delivered to Boy Scout Troop 859 at the Saratoga Community Pool in
Springfield, Virginia.  Alert Scouts raised alarm.  Robbers jumped
overboard and escaped with one bag of wet mulch that broke apart and
covered them with fragrant mulch.

28.03.2005 at 0755 LT in position 04:47S-114:14E, New Jersey.

A Mr. Springsteen of Asbury Park, N.J., reported that he heard a
bootlegged version of “Thunder Road” that was probably illegally
recorded during a 1974 concert tour.

29.03.2005 at 0315 LT at Casablanca port, Morocco.

A cargo ship transporting Cialis was boarded by personnel of a ship
transporting wet noodles. No injuries were reported, but the extent of
the attack may not be known for up to 36 hours. If you have further
questions, see your doctor.

30.03.2005 at 0110 LT at Tortugas.

The HMS Dauntless, anchored off the coast, reported an attack by the
pirate ship Black Pearl. Amid cries of “avast!” and “load cannons,
mate!” the Dauntless fought off the attackers. The pirates were
reportedly seeking Aztec Gold in an attempt to undo a curse. “I don't
believe in ghost stories,” said Eliza, the daughter of the governor.
Meanwhile, the captain of the Dauntless found an unlikely ally in the
form of Captain Jack Sparrow, a pirate who used to command the Black
Pearl until a mutiny led by his first mate forced him off the ship. But
Sparrow's true intentions remain unknown, as are that of young Will
Turner, who may or may not have pirate's blood in him. Meanwhile, Rachel
asked Scorpio to take a paternity test, but he refused, saying that the
baby was not his and besides, he loved Tristan. Tristan continued her
affair with Alexyev, unaware that he is an international spy working for
three governments. Back in Bay City, Chloe confronts the ugly truth that
her husband, Arcturus, is having an affair with her sister, Devon, after
discovering fresh entries in Devon's diary, which Chloe stole from
Devon's house. And on a wet, winding road outside of town, young lovers
Jason and Heather face a third day trapped in their car, which plunged
off a cliff when Jason swerved to avoid hitting a mysterious man
standing in the road who may or may not have been Jason's birth father,
Robert, returning after all these years.

***  Ballcap of the week:  JOTWILF

***  Today's coffee cup:  Practice Safe Lunch – Use a Condiment

***  Wifebeater-Shirt of the day:   Mexican Basketball Association
Juan-on-Juan Tournament 2004

***  Today's musical accompaniment:  Miscarriage of Justice

***  You've been reading another installment of the Job of the Week
networking newsletter for professional communicators.  If you can find
the time to read this, it's time to find a job. If you are changing your
e-mail address, DON'T ASK ME TO DO IT FOR YOU!!!  The instructions
appear in just about every issue, so follow them.  Did you hear what I
just said?  Apparently not, because one of you buggers will read this
e-mail and then ask me to change their e-mail address in the next ninety
minutes.  If it's you, you should be publicly humiliated.  If you have a
job to share, check it out first.  Do the due diligence.  Make sure the
organization is solvent.  If the company says they want a communicator
who thinks strategically, make them spell out in writing what they mean
by that, seeing as they probably just stole the position description
from some other listing on Monster.   If a recruiter sends you a listing
and mentions the name of the company, call the company HR office first
and find out if the recruiter is supposed to keep that a little secret.

8,036 communicators are in this network.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators.  You are
welcome to look at the previous issues.  You are welcome to believe in
the Easter Bunny.  To read this list on the web, please visit:
http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or
http://www.CornerBarPR.com/JOTW/jotw.cfm.

Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
C'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet yeah

[guitar solo]

You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my feet

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC
I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
and I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun
I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a mid-night toker
I sure don't want to hurt no one
7813 Richfield Road
Springfield, VA 22153
U.S.A.
lundquist989@cs.com

The JOTW Network – A world in communication.
For your hospitality, thank you!
© Copyright 2005

Hiding in a Purple Haze

I'm so red I'm seeing green.
Four more years of profiting!
Privatization is here at last!
Social nets are a thing of the past.

I'm so blue I'm seeing red.
Just a yellow dawg–better off dead?
My beloved social programs have all been cut.
To pay for war I didn't ever want.

We're neither red, nor are we blue.
We think politicians belong in a zoo.
We think it's time to have fun instead…
So in 2008, let's all vote for Ned!
============================================================
Graduate without ever going to class, or cracking a book or taking a
test.  Your cash says it all.  BA in two weeks.  MBA in four.  And
that's just to make sure your check clears. 
http://cluck.topica.com/caabTSbUrJjVbVNXpa/ SVU

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