The JOTW Horoscope for January 2007
Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21 – April 19) (5:00-7:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m.): Another sweeps month approaches–time to finish that “Food and the 5-Second Rule–Is It Safe?” story. Keep a close eye on your interns this month–the rent is due and they are looking for free food opportunities. Later this month, your anchorman will have a hair crisis.
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Gratis the Community Relations Manager (April 20-May 20): You notice a
change in peoples' attitudes toward you when you tell them you work for
a non-profit. Before, they used to ask, “How can you live on a salary
like that?” Now, they say, “What, they couldn't find an illegal
immigrant to do that work?”
Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21): When Bob from accounting
points out (again) that he found a mistake in a document that you
already proofed and makes a joke about “missing your period,” you
explode. Later, as you come to in a jail cell, you realize that you
should have been a doctor, like your mother wanted you to be. But it's
a little late for that now, isn't it?
Barnum the Publicist (June 21-July 22). Good news and bad news this
month. The good news: you get word of a potential new high-profile
client. The bad news: His initials start with “O.J.”
Journalisticus the Editor (July 23-Aug. 22): You have a four-hour,
knock-down drag-out fight with one of your reporters over “proactive”
and whether “impact” is a verb. Mid-month, you discover that your
long-time bartender has been watering down your gin and tonics for the
past five years. Later in the month you suffer a brain hemorrhage and
Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22): You have a dream about going out for lunch at Chinese. You want to hedge your bets, so leaving nothing to chance you consult your tarot card reader to tell you in advance what the fortune in your fortune cookie will be.
Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23): You become the self-anointed PowerPoint bitch in your office, until you find your boss is changing your trebuchet fonts to a different font on each slide, moving graphic elements into your functional white space, and adding a different wipe and dissolve for every slide, complete with sound effects. This makes it more professional, he says dismissively.
Porous the Civil Servant Office Manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): THREE
PERCENT? A THREE PERCENT RAISE? You have got to be KIDDING! How the hell
am I supposed to keep up with the cost-of-living and inflation with a
THREE PERCENT RAISE? I swear to God, if I wasn't retiring in 15 years
I'd jump to the private sector in a heartbeat. Oh well, time for coffee
Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your potential new client sets up a “test scenario” and wants to know how you'd handle it. You submit a 120-page plan of action, then never hear from him again. Three months later, you discover that your non-client has implemented your plan and is taking all the credit. You begin renting film noirs from NetFlix at an alarming rate.
Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your first draft of the corporate annual report copy goes through 15 people, all who think they're a better writer than you. They proceed to show you why they think that way. Six showers will not make you feel any cleaner.
Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18): You have a couple of drinks at an office luncheon to welcome your new boss. Two or so. Okay, too many. He’s kind of cute. He offers to get you a cab home and decides he better go with you to make sure you get home alright. You throw up in his lap. The next day, you work hard to correct the situation by apologizing, and tell everyone how embarrassed YOU are. Not “Gee, I'm sorry he had my barf all over his Dockers.” Or “I'm sorry; he had to explain to his wife what my lunch was doing on his lap.”
Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20): You will face a
dilemma later this month when one of your colleagues shows up for
work–and isn't wearing all black. A client will question your grammar
savvy when he nitpicks over the use of personal pronouns. Your creative
juices will flow by months' end–find someone who will appreciate it!