Scout: This is Scout. Do you care to talk about the seventh game of the ALCS with my kitten, Kali, and me?
Sage: This is Sage The Dog. Sorry, I would have responded sooner, but I was busy licking myself. For 10 hours. Even though I’m a Labrador, which technically makes me from the Canadian part of New England, I am a Cleveland fan through and through. If it’s good enough for Master, it’s good enough for me.
You know who my favorite Cleveland Indian is? Len Barker.
Scout: I get it.
Kali: Hey, Sage. What's the deal with those white flags the Indians fans wave?
Sage: Master is wearing tighty-whities. I hope that isn’t too much information.
Kali: Does he take them off in the litter box?
Sage: That IS too much information. (Yes, he does.)
Sage: Have you noticed that I’m getting all the punch lines, just like Master?
Would Kurt Schilling be nicer if he were neutered? I know I am.
Kali: What's the scoop with Westbrook and HGH?
Sage: Did you say “scoop?” Because when Master says “scoop,” it means he's
about to feed me. What do you like to eat? I like Pedigree Country Stew.
It looks just like the food that Master eats, or the food he feeds his
Scout: Sage, do you think that the Rockies long wait for the winner of the ALCS will help them or hurt them?
Sage: Well, as someone who sleeps 19 hours a day, I say the more rest, the better.
Scout: We have a question from JAH. What's up with the weird grass design on the infield at Fenway?? Around the pitcher's mound….
Sage: It’s shaped like the Red Sox logo. Only it’s green. Me, I don’t care what color the grass is, as long as Master lets me pee on it when I have to go.
Scout: Sage, has anyone ever hit grand slams in back to back games?
Sage: Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same spot.
Kali: Sage, do you think Westbrook is having a good outing?
Sage: Well, I look at it this way: He’s outside, he’s in a park and he’s playing with others. For me, that’s paradise. Master, however, just went into the bathroom and ate three more of those chalky pink Pepto-Bismol tablets. That makes about 10 in the past hour.
Kali: If the Taco Bell doggie walked by, would you bark, bite or belch?
Sage: When another dog walks past my house, it is my duty to alert Master and the entire neighborhood. I bark fiercely to let Taco Bell Doggie know that this is MY territory, and I will defend my Master to the death or until Taco Bell Doggie lets me smell his crotch.
I love Taco Bell. Master brought Taco Bell home one day several years ago and then he went upstairs for a moment and left it on the counter. I thought it was strange that he wouldn’t put it in my bowl, so I had to stand on my hind legs to eat it before he came back downstairs. Master was very mad.
Sage: Scout, why does Matsuzaka rock back and forth just before he pitches? It seems a bit suggestive. Good think I’ve been neutered. It makes me want to hump Master’s leg. Not that he lets me…
Scout: Sage, I think it's a cultural thing. He's bowing to the umpire.
Sage: It looks like he’s doing the Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.