Sage: If you can't join 'em, lick 'em!

SCOUT: How did the “delay” affect the Rockies?

SAGE: Clearly it hurt them, but I have no concept of delay or time for that matter, as I am a dog. When Master leaves the house at 5:30 a.m. and gets back in the evening, it could be 10 minutes or 10 hours as far as I’m concerned. Clearly, the Rockies are not dogs.

SCOUT: How will Clint Hurdle motivate his team to come back for Thursday's game and leave Boston with a split?

SAGE: Well, when Master rubs my nose in it, I find it to be an effective deterrent.

SCOUT: Which team has the best facial hair?

SAGE: I’m a sucker for a beard, as Master has one and I think he’s the best-looking human I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I wish he’d never spayed me…but I digress. I was going to give the Red Sox the edge because Kevin Youkilis looks like he has more hair density on his face than anyone I’ve ever seen in my life, but I have to subtract points for the pathetic attempt by Josh Beckett to grow something. Beckett looks like he picked up the clippings from Youkilis’s beard trimmer and glued them to his face. So I vote for the Rockies. Although I agree with former Cincinnati Reds general manager Dick Wagner, who forbade his players from having facial hair of any type. I think it was because he thought facial hair created wind resistance and slowed you down as you were running the bases.

SCOUT: My Master says the reason the Reds weren’t allowed to have facial hair was because the owner, Marge Schott, was a Nazi.

SAGE: My Master says the great thing about America is that you can’t libel the dead.

SCOUT: Why would Terry Francona put Eric Gagne in the game with just a 12-run lead?

SAGE: I think Francona thought it was important that Gagne regain some of his confidence after his disastrous performances earlier in the playoffs. It was a superb forward-looking move by Francona, because the Red Sox have invested a lot in Gagne and will need him to be effective not only now, but next season. But Master says even Eric Gagne can’t blow a 12-run lead.

SCOUT: What's in Schilling's book?

SAGE: If I could be selfish, I would hope that it’s dog food recipes. I love Pedigree Country Stew. The Chicken and Rice isn’t bad, either. What do you eat, Scout?

SCOUT: I fend for myself. Twice a week Master lets me outside so that I can catch whatever game I can find. Last week I hauled down a Great Blue Heron.

SAGE: What does Great Blue Heron taste like?

SCOUT: Actually, it tastes a lot like Bald Eagle.

SAGE: Hmm…

SCOUT: 12 strikeouts for the Sox pitchers? What does that mean for game 2?

SAGE: It means absolutely nothing. That’s the problem with baseball—it’s all a bunch of predictive hooey. Baseball statisticians come up with the most meaningless data. You know, like “The Boston Red Sox have never lost a home playoff game in October when it rains in the first inning.” As if that’s going to send business to the bookies.

SCOUT: Actually, Master made $25 on that last night.

SAGE: $#%&!

SCOUT: Where did you learn that word.

SAGE: I heard Master say it after Cleveland got eliminated.

SCOUT: Colorado won seven straight playoff games. Why did they lose tonight?

SAGE: They lost a little bit of their soul. The aura of invincibility that they carried into this game. They’d beaten Beckett handily during the regular season. Now, I think they’re feeling a bit vulnerable. They need a hug. They should call their mom. Well, I have to go and lick myself for three hours. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

SCOUT: It already is tomorrow.

SAGE: Remember, I’m a dog. I have no concept of time.

SCOUT: Good point. My master is asleep. I think I’ll go wake him up and give him my “It’s time to play!” look…

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