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Ned: Mike, you arrived? Great. Does it make a lot of sense to stay in New Jersey if you are attending the conference?

Mike: Ned, it makes absolutely no sense at all. In fact, there is a name for this kind of arrangement–it's called “Sorohan Planning.”

Ned: What' it like working at the Dine-Around Table?

Mike: it's like playing God. Or the Soup Nazi. Sometimes it feels like being Dick Cheney, because I get to strike fear in the hearts of attendees. I tell them, “If you don't sign up now, the Democrats will destroy America.”

Ned: Really?

Mike: No. But the restaurant they want might not be available. Dine-Around is not for the timid. It's cutthroat.

Ned: Did you save the best restaurant for me?

Mike: Of course! Nobody has signed up yet for Mama Leone' on West 48th Street!

Ned: Mike, I Googled Mama Leone's. It's been closed for more than 10 years.

Mike: Well, that would explain why I'm still waiting for the calzone I ordered for delivery in 2003.

Ned: Where do you recommend I go for the Dine-Around?

Mike: Ned, as a de facto employee and representative of IABC I cannot imply an endorsement or recommendation of any one restaurant in New York. I can only offer a list of restaurants available on the sign-up list. If it were up to me, I'd get a bag of Cheez-Its and a Diet Mountain Dew at Duane Reed.

Ned: Erica must be thrilled to be married to you.

Mike: I'm not being cheap. I'm being “frugal.”

Ned: What do people say to you when they encounter you at the Dine-Around table?

Mike: I made a list:

“Who dresses you–Pee Wee Herman?”

“Are you going to amswer my question or are you just going to stare at my chest?”

“Do you know Ned Lundquist?”

“Thanks, but I really don't want to go to McDonalds.”

“Why is there a tip jar?”

“I asked you where the nearest Sephora was and you sent me to the South Bronx!”

“No, I will NOT pull your finger.”